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#63923 - 01/15/03 01:02 PM Hey Lloydy
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I sure wish I could talk with your wifey !! I have been feeling so alone in this. It is true for me tho' the more info hubby shares the easier it is for me. At least it gives me real tangible stuff to be feeling "about", rather than the wild imagination stuff.
I wonder where all the other significant others are? I dont see many postings from others ... and today or at least this morning I was beginning to wonder if maybe I was an albatross or just being ignored -- i went thru some anger that maybe because I am female I was being ignored?? that somehow I could not be trusted by others and there fore my own crap is minimized. My brain on overload --- I realize this board is mainly for men, but being a survivor myself I identify with so much -- surely there are other folks here on the board who have wives or significant others who are survivors also?
I wonder how the SO's get thru the anger and betrayal stuff --- I wonder who they speak to besides maybe their therapist if they have them. Or do they just go on with their lives as if nothing matters?
This past weekend a long time friend of ours shared that she caught her hubby masturbating again -- yet their sex life together is pretty much nil. God it was so sad to see her cry and know how she was feeling. The abandonment and feeling like a failure as a spouse. Hearing her talk about how he blamed her for his behavior angered me. Hubby2 was incredible by talking with her and sharing his portion of what he was going thru and what it took to get him into seeking help aggressively. She had said that she thought maybe leaving him would "wake him up" as to how serious this really was -- hubby2 said "Sadly that is what it took for me to deal with my shit." Hubby2 encouraged her to take care of herself and shared some info as to how to access a support group, but also told her "remember he is the only one who can decide if it is a problem for him and if he will get help"... She is a survivor of abuse herself. I heard myself as she blamed herself for his behavior.
I feel so fucking ostracized with this shit -- I am more than willing to talk about it, hell I want someone to be ballsy enough to challenge me in my thinking also.
I know I am on the pity pot right now, but damn it I geuss I need some validation from SOMEWHERE ANYWHWERE that I am not ALONE in this!
Maybe I just have too much time on my brain and hands to think about this stuff? -- I know this last round in the hospital has scared the shit out of me that we may never work things out for me to move back home...
My T asked me what I wanted the last session we had -- I told him "Damn it I want the White Picket fence!"... I cant help but be so angry and feel like I have more than paid my dues to have that before I die -- and yes I want it NOW!
So now what do I do?
Am I just being too needy?


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#63924 - 01/15/03 01:21 PM Re: Hey Lloydy
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Wifey
My wife sometimes looks at something I show her, but her view is this is 'my healing area' and she has no part of it.
And I can see her point, for her to use the same site she would also see what I post here, and it might read - or even be - different to what I tell her.

I share things here in a way that might be different to sharing with her, I don't have secrets, or feed her lies and BS, it might just be different.
Here I sometimes joke about how I acted out, or at least talk about it in a lighthearted way. And that might not go down well with her.
It's a different kind of safety.

It's more apparent on the Family & Friends forum, I often used to wonder why the men of the wives / partners who posted there never appeared on the site ( maybe some have, but they are unknown to me ) but it's the same thing, we need somewhere to bounce new ideas around before we give them to our partners - and this is where we do it I guess.

But if anyone does know of a site where our partners could meet then let us know.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63925 - 01/21/03 01:37 PM Re: Hey Lloydy
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Hey Wifey1..

no you're not being too needy with this shit.. this shit is heavy and hard to handle. And your frustration at this time is something I can definitely identify with.

One word of advice - dont let ANYONE, including yourself, let you second guess your feelings. your feelings are your own and they are ALWAYS real - no matter if someone doesnt' like them. What is key with feelings is how one DEALS with them, but the fact that you feel a certain way is your business and nobody else's.

One thing that i noted in your post - was the anger that was triggered by talking about the problems in someone else's marriage -problems that are similar to the ones you went through. I tend to do that too .. I used to do that more than I do now. Although it may seem cowardly I tend to avoid situations (when I can) that may trigger the anger that is always boiling below the surface (I am not a SA survivor but a verbal and emotional abuse survivor and PTSD sufferer). Its not up to you to save everyone else that's in a similar situation to yourself. And its certainly NOT selfish to not enter into situations that are difficult for yourself. Its up to you to decide what you can and can't handle and there's nothing wrong with choosing NOT to get closely involved (it is possible to be involved at a distance) with things that will be hard for you.

I recently realized that so much about being a SO is out of our control - the survivor has to set the pace with healing, with discovery of his behavioural "issues", etc. We realy dont have much control over the whole process, which is the extra ultra scary part about the whole thing. And the fact that there really isn't much "support" for those who are SO's of SA's - the only place I have been able to really confide is with my T and also with a very very trusted, very selected few confidantes (I try to protect my SO's secrets as best I can, however I need my own support network as well.)

HOpe this helps.


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#63926 - 01/21/03 02:46 PM Re: Hey Lloydy
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
PAS,
Thanks so much for responding --- just seeing a response to my posting eliminated some of the alienation I have been feeling.
that and the light of day ---
those words you said about the anger always boiling just below the surface ---
OH JEEEEEZZZZE!!! can I identify with that!
Seems as if everything pisses me off except my girls & even they can do it a bit at times.
Anger oh how I love it, seems to be the only real feeling I can feel. As a feeling it is so powerful and strong, something I am not feeling at the time I am being angry.
Ya know, I get so irked at him becuz it's not like I dont know what it feels like to be so fucking mind fucked and violated... What I cant seem to get my brain around is WHY he cant get so angry at those who harm him rather than menial bullshit. Reality tells me we BOTH are so passive aggressive personality he just deals differently at different times. Hmm just realized I want him to be just as pissed off and angry WITH ME at the exact same time! Maybe I will suggest a time for both of us to go to the salvation army buy some cheap dishes and go smash them together in the garage. that's one I like to do -- seems to be the sound of breaking glass is somehow really cleansing for me tho' we have never done it together....
Sometimes I swear I know & can feel that there is physically emotionally or what ever that I have two people inside of me screaming and fighting over shit -- the rational side tells me the reality but the emotional side never matches up or can convince the rational side its okay to be feeling irrational over all the shit going on in my life.
About my friend -- yea, we support thru distance with each other. We live about an hour drive distance and get lots of down time between visits so that is good & bad sometimes too. But mostly good.
This past saturday I was going to go to my first support group, but being a narcoleptic from hell I am lucky if I can raise my head out of bed before noon most of the time, ... what the hell good does an 8 AM meeting do me? Physically I have learned to force myself NOT to feel guilty about not functioning on the "norm times". I was excited tho about being able to meet other SO's, tho I think I would have been the only SO who is also a survivor in that particular group. I will try again this coming saturday for meeting with them.

Lloydy, this part of your response really struck me... I share things here in a way that might be different to sharing with her, I don't have secrets, or feed her lies and BS, it might just be different.
Here I sometimes joke about how I acted out, or at least talk about it in a lighthearted way. And that might not go down well with her.
It's a different kind of safety.

Ya know for hubby2 & I and even the girls well we have always had this really "sick humor" as we call it. I am not so sure its healthy according to the psycho professionals -- but it is definetly a coping tool for us as a family. I asked my girls one time if they thought it was bad the way we sometimes tear and rip on grandma & grandpa's (both sides) fearing we had not allowed them to be open to love their grandparents -- the girls said hell no mom, all anyone has to do is look at them and see we arent stretching the truth here.... and we arent they the girls were right, easier to laugh than cry all the time. Hubby2 & I share that sick humor with each other about our abuse stuff too -- someone posted tho in another post about saying "Sorry" all the time rather than just a 'move your arse girl' -- I can soooo Identify with that! For me I'd rather get the move my arse than the sorry any day -- makes me feel like I am not broken glass, or damaged goods when I get a nice smart ass retort. A bent sense of respect for my strengths and all that I have survived.
The sorries wore themselves out a long damn time ago -- I know why because they had not been backed up by hubby2 taking steps to heal -- the only real amends he could ever make for the pain he has inadvertantly put me through.
So in the light of today I do feel better, am glad I didnt pinch his hose off last night... and glad I have yet another place to come and vent and have an extra set of ear eyes supporting this trial in our lives...
Peace fill us all ~ Wifey1


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#63927 - 01/21/03 03:16 PM Re: Hey Lloydy
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
PAS -- oops this is kind of a ps here about protecting your SO's stuff --
I think someone else posted about having shared with some one they were in a relationship with then ended the relationships shortly afterward -- they said something very powerful in that post i will go find it and post on it later --
but here is the wifey1 part in mine and hubby2's relationship
When I was freaking going nuts a yr or so ago and blazed on them (just before he got slapped with the sex abuse charges) when I came back and he told me what had happened , the first of many versions -- I made a solemn promise that not another damn thing would I keep my mouth shut about....
Once I had broken the secret of my own abuse years ago I swore I would never keep another damn secret, EXCEPT HUBBY2'S ABUSE. I SWORE TO HIM I WOULD NEVER DISCLOSE HIS STUFF UNLESS HE GAVE ME PERMISSION TO DO SO. I KEPT THAT PROMISE!
I kept that promise until I found out that he had been slapped with the sex abuse charges. He was in facing the judge for those charges and some court officer came out to talk to me and verify some info on him -- I told that guy then that he was in therapy (had just restarted) for his own sexual abuse....
I felt so fucking betrayed by him that I got in his face (hubby2's) before I left to get my own safe space -- I told him that if ANYONE EVER FUCKING ASKS ME WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED BETWEEN US I AM GOING TO TELL THEM THE FUCKING TRUTH AS I KNOW IT!
I do that -- why? Because his damn secrets had damaged ME in the worst of ways. My political career and volunteer career was shot to fucking hell FOREVER because of his actions. HIS DAMN SECRET .... NOT MINE! HIS SECRET had changed MY LIFE forever as I knew it and had effected the girls as well.
I want you to understand tho, no one gets the gory details -- they get straight facts and truth about being a sex abuse survivor, and if questions arise about his abuse & addictions I simply say to them, he has to share that you'll have to ask him -- I can only answer questions about abuses & addictions based on MY OWN EXPERIENCE. I share MY SHIT not his.
I have found that only a rare few ever have the balls to ask many questions, and rarer still are those who have had the balls to ask him any questions --- those who have , earned not just my respect but his respect also.
the next door neighbors were the gossip fucks from hell and of course with my work in the community it always got back to me -- hubby2 & I shared that info back and forth sometimes even laughing heartily at the stories... but one day that old bastard next door caught him outside and said he hadnt seen him in some time how was he and where had he been --- hubby2 turned and calmly responded with "Been sittin my ass in jail, how about you?" -- the gossip stopped to a small degree -- i actually think it was the first time i saw him stand just a little taller and the hunch in his back became smaller. I know he told me he felt better after just being straight beside the fact that it put the bastard on the spot for even being a nosey gossipy fuck to begin with.
I have blabbed on enuff -- but like you I too am concious (sp) about who I tell what to. All my docs know, they were superior in supporting me and writing letters to the judge on his behalf so that he could still keep his job and come care for my needs.... they didnt have to do that but it was something i did for ME because I needed from him still.
Peace again ~ Wifey1


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#63928 - 01/21/03 08:50 PM Re: Hey Lloydy
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Wifey
erm......sorry...I hate to mention this ....but ...it was me that said this.
Quote:
someone posted tho in another post about saying "Sorry" all the time rather than just a 'move your arse girl' -- I can soooo Identify with that! For me I'd rather get the move my arse than the sorry any day -- makes me feel like I am not broken glass, or damaged goods when I get a nice smart ass retort. A bent sense of respect for my strengths and all that I have survived.
and I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO IT !!

it really pisses both us off, both of us.
I guess it lies with me thinking I have to be perfect or something, I must have a fear of offending her. I'll offend other people without mercy if they deserve it.
And I think you're right that there is a "bent sense of respect" in feeling comfortable with being smart ass with each other.
I do it every day at work, I'm a smart ass and give as good as I get.
But I can't do it with my wife, ok - that might be respect, but the constant apologising ? no, that's something in my past making me grovel still. But she's not part of 'that' past.
I'll sort it eventually.......

The black humour is something I share with you as well, although it has gotten me into some trouble at times. But it helps ME to tear apart my past.
You know quickly the sick joke appear after any major event or scandal ? well, I share them.
I give PC a sidestep and join in.

The trouble is I forget them !
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63929 - 01/21/03 10:59 PM Re: Hey Lloydy
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
*** contains triggers***

Lloydy,
I sure know why I always apologised -- from the time I got placed in foster care & then onto my adoptive family, I was made to feel as if I owed them something... owed them for a roof, food, clothing, money -- cant tell ya how many times I got told they saved my life... this was shit told me by my adoptive parents -- folks in the community made sure to tell me that I was one lucky little girl to have such good parents, uh huh so lucky to have a dick crammed down my throat til I puked then slapped for puking --- sorry didnt cover for puking & gagging that was MY FAULT...
the first physical beating I got from my adoptive dad was for saying "I'm sorry" ... got my ass beat so bad I pissed my 9 yr old pants... why did I say I was sorry?... My sister and I had gotten a case of the giggles that many kids normally get at that age, everything was funny to us -- we got told to stop laughing... by then it was the worst kind of laffter --- that suppressed church laffing, besides I laffed out of pure nervousness of never knowing what was coming next...
I know when I went to bed crying myself to sleep and praying to die (god that is so sad for a 9 yr old to pray that)... I know I told myself that if I ever had kids I would always let them laugh as much as they wanted, and if they said they were sorry for something I would make sure to accept that apology...
I am very concious about WHAT I am apologizing for now... thru lots of hard work, like breaking a bad habit of saying "ya know" in rapid conversation. Had to stop myself more than once mid sentence out loud to complete strangers sometimes... but I survived the embarrassment...
I know so many times I responded with a "I'm sorry, cuz what I was actually thinking and feeling was --- I am sorry I survived, and am alive, I am sorry I am a burden, I am sorry I am not perfect"... boy do hubby2 & I get pissed at the sorry's also... its another one of those times we stop and ask exactly "What are we feeling sorry for?" --
the hard part tho for me was breaking the cycle of NOT beating the shit out of myself for even saying it in the first place.
OH THE DARK SARCASTIC HUMOR -- has more than once gotten my ass and hubby2's in trouble also...
once after one of my heart attacks we were sitting on the deck drinkin a couple of brewskis and talking smack --- a neighbor asked hubby2 "were you scared she was gonna die?" well hubby2 snapped off a "hell I was hopin'!" -- well I burst into laffin my ass off, and the neighbor burst into a tirade about how "cruel" he was... well WE thought it was funny and that is all that matters right?! RIGHT! MY GOD, we had and have been thru hell and back with my health problems and have talked extensively about how I want to die and want them to live after I am gone... the neighbor chooses to deny I will die just cuz I am still young...
We are allowed of all to make fun of some ugly shit... its our crap ..... some day I may take the time to post about my experience in the crayola wing and our "group" of survivors humor making the music therapist run from the room crying...
Kinda like my mom says .... unless you are the EMT (she is one) ya dont really know how much on a cold winter night when you get called to an accident you hope they are bleeding cuz the blood is warm and it will at least warm your hands ---
Absurdity at its finest if I do say so myself....
Peace fill us All ~ Wifey1
ps hubby2 & i are in a conversation about respect of the spouse .... and hmmm will post more on this later...


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#63930 - 01/22/03 12:44 PM Re: Hey Lloydy
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Wifey
thanks for that, what you have to say about "sorry" hit me like a ton of bricks. It was wonderful, and it's given me something to think about for sure.

I'll get back to you on this subject.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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