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#63872 - 01/02/03 08:51 PM I need help
gfriend Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/03
Posts: 1
Loc: Texas
Hi I am a looking for advise because I have recently been told by my boyfriend that he was sexually molested when he was 5 years old. I am a survivor and know what effects come from this some of which he has experienced (depression, Isolation, excessive eating). He is a wonderful man and we love each other tremendously. My dilema is mostly because we have already discussed marriage and children plus I have a 2 year old son of my own. I am concerned that his abuse (because it was not treated) may become a pattern and I am afraid (not of him but the effect this may have had on him). I have never been an abuser and I know it is possible to have been abused and not have the pattern repeated, but how can I be sure? I love my son and do not want him to go through what we went through. We have discussed our feelings about the abuse we encountered and we agree that any type of abuse on children is not only wrong but something we would fight against for our children sake. Why do I still feel this doubt? He has not done anything around my son that is not appropriate yet I do not want to leave them alone at all. I thought it strange when he first told me he was a virgin (at 27) since I was totally the oppisite because of my abuse. Now I don't know what to think. I mean I know he wants to be intimate with me(I am wanting to wait) so that makes me think he does want to move forward I am just confused and scared. I don't want to hurt him either because I feel it would be a set back for him and that is the last thing I want (I love him too much to hurt him). He is a wonderful person and I am lucky to have met him. Please help! I want to know how to talk to him without making him regret he confided in me and also see if he can seek some sort of help without making it obvious that I have thought he may or may not one day abuse my son (or our children).


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#63873 - 01/02/03 09:24 PM Re: I need help
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Others will be able to give better numbers to back it up, but I know that one of the misconceptions of abuse is that the abused become abusers. Statistically, they do not.

Talking in the open about this will help him. But you both need to be in therapy. Therapy has been the best thing for me, I know it will be for the two of you as well.

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#63874 - 01/02/03 09:28 PM Re: I need help
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
hi gfriend!

I am sorry that either one of you have the awful experience of sexual abuse. There is a good deal of reasonable fear in you just now.

I take it that you are a young couple. Could you talk about how you believe you booth need to deal with the issues that arise from having been abused. Not to make either of you safer for the children, but because you both deserve to be free of the awful scars abuse leaves on a person.

Only one in five abused boys become an abuser. 80% of us are super protective of children. You do have some experience of how he loves and cares for your precious son. He seems to be protective.

I can only talk for myself, but if I loved you and wanted to marry you and you told me that you did not want to leave your son with me alone, I would be beyond devastated. So I urge you not to say that to him.

He needs to get help. None of us have been able to get well on our own. This site is meant to be an adjunct to therapy, not a replacement for it.

I am a romantic. I think that if you both have the love for each other that you talk about--you will be able to but a high priority on being the best for each other and for your children that you can be.

Good luck!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#63875 - 01/03/03 12:32 PM Re: I need help
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Gfriend

Becoming an abuser is a statistically small risk, Bob's figure sounds about right.
And if he's open enough to have shared the fact that he is a victim then I would think he's going to be ok. I would guess most victims who go on to be perp's keep everything a secret.

James and Bob mention therapy, and it's essential really, many of us thought we were smart enough to deal with it ourselves or could 'get over it'
I struggled on for 31 years, and was in a hell of a mess before I finally said to my wife " I was abused as a kid, I need some help"

If your fella has said even the first part already he's taken a huge step forward, but you already how big a step that is.

The fear of becoming a perp is enormous to us as well, it's the reason that my wife and I have no kids after 29 years of marriage - I was too scared that my abuse meant that I had to continue the cycle.

That's absolute rubbish, but it took so long for me to find that out.

Maybe you have to put your foot down a bit and get him to talk more, although forcing someone to do something rarely works, but a bit of subtle persuasion might get him to open up, and consider therapy.

If he's committed to himself then he'll be committed to caring for kids.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63876 - 01/06/03 03:46 AM Re: I need help
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
gfriend If there was any EVIL in your boy friend I am sure he wouldn,t tell you about his SA. I don,t think you have to worry about him abusing anyone. He told you about the SA because he know that he needs help. The age of 5 is very young to have to deal with the trauma of sexual abuse and it will take lots of work to overcome. He needs you to trust him and do help him find a good T. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#63877 - 01/06/03 12:21 PM Re: I need help
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Hi Gfriend,

I read in Betrayed by boys that a very large percentage of abusers are women. I don't remember the statistic offhand, but I think it was about 36 percent or something. So my point is that as a survivor yourself, it would seem that your boyfriend is only very marginally more likely to become an abuser as you are. And you know that you are not an abuser. I'm just trying to give you perspective for building trust. I was a virgin till I was 24, and I think part of the reason was that maybe subconsciously I thought I had to play one of two roles I was familiar with.

I think the same is true with relationships. It seems to me like most of us had at least one abusive parent. (Which may be why we were targeted by our abusers, because of our lack of boundaries, just a theory of mine.) Anyway, I used to think to myself "do I want to be the dad?, Do I want to come home and yell at everyone for three hours every night?" or "do I want to be the Mom, the one that gets yelled at for hours and complains behind the spouses back and makes excuses?" In the end I ended up in my Mom's old spot, which I didn't want either. I didn't realize that I could have ended up in a normal relationship. It seems like most of the married guys on this website ended up in the same circumstances as me in regards to relationships. Maybe your boyfriend waited for a normal relationship to come along rather than settle for one that he was used to.

Another reason for the advanced age of virginity for me was that I used to get horrible anxiety attacks when I was sexually aroused if any other people were near by. I know this is because of the abuse that accompanied sexual stimulation in my past. So sometimes I would just get up and leave, or be frozen with anxiety. The only reason I'm telling you this is in case you assumed your boyfriends advanced age of virginity is the result of sexual preference issues. I had the same desires as my peers, it just seemed like there was a forcefield between me and girls I liked sometimes.

Thats my $0.02 on the situation. I hope it helped.

Mo_Healing (Les_Angry)


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