Lil Red and all:

This may not be the forum for me to reply to all that has been written.

Lil Red Lil Red PAS E, if I could add any thing to all the powerful replies here, or add support or encourgement for you I would. Thank you for having the courage to post your truths and questions. "Crazy, confusing stuff and Christ this stuff is difficult". Yeah, it sure is!

I gotta share how these posts have impacted me.

I'm still in denial at times of the abuse I endured from cur-bio-sperm-donor and mutually(?) abusive behavior with older sis. Can I say dysfunction family dynamics? Add neglect from birth, of some kind that has no words from mom-creature-she-tried, and I wonder why I'm fucked up. At least I don't deny I have many addictions any more.

The scope of my minimization, even now, is out of this world. I suppose both the denial and minimization have enabled me to survive all this years. 18 years of one form or another before I got away from living from with family. Years of SA. And I say, 'oh it wasn't that bad'. It's hitting home now, I've heard it many times, even once can be a life altering/shattering event... Again from PAS - "It sometimes blows my mind how powerfully damaging abuse has been." And Lloydy - "It 'blew' our minds....." Yup, ok, I'm getting the point now.

Been coming here a short time and have shared a bit about myself on the forums and in chat (all wonderful people in both places). But only about the cur-thing abuse. Oh boy, I can't believe how I buried the stuff with my sister during this time.

I'm in T now, first one that even knows what he's doing and isn't dumping his shit on me. Among so many thigs he's helping me with is healthy boundaries by example. He knows about all I've said here. We're working on it... strange, the neglect is the most damaging and grief-painful of it all. Been diagnosed with depression since age 20, alcoholic last 10 or years . Clean n sober 16 months now, can't hide anymore (one down, a couple more addictions to conquer). I'm finally getting to the core issues.

PTSD, disociation, messed up relationships, social isolation in the extreme, acting out in one self-hurtful way or another. Me.

I've lost the rest of what I wanted to write. This is enuf for now. My life hasn't been all bad. I have some good memories from childhood. I may even turn out ok. Seems I'm a good man/teen/boy after all.

-jer

Jer, you write:

Congratulations.

Thanks, Jer, for saying that. I don’t feel courageous; I feel like I blathered on about me, me, and more me. My brother’s life and mine are all tangled up together, which is I guess part of what it means to be family. I’ve realized in the past couple of days that when I finally put all these pieces together it was like he was a mirror in front of me. Yes, the image is reversed, but I could easily recognize that person in me. And this was pretty freaky for me. So at the risk of more about me and this being the wrong place to say it, I have to tell you how these responses impacted me, too.

Jer
Mike
I’m wavering, still. I could describe to you in detail everything that happened, from that first incident with my brother when I was 7 to being raped at 14, without shedding a tear. This from the woman who bawled her eyes out watching ‘Nicky, Wonder Dog of the North.”! I have always remembered everything - I just can’t attach any emotion to it. And, supposedly, as a woman, I’m ‘allowed’. It makes it hard to connect the abuse with what happened in my life afterward.

Sometimes knowing the horrific things that other people suffered makes it easier to feel that 'Oh, it wasn't that bad', too - that I’m being weak, looking for excuses to abdicate responsibility for my own mistakes. No one in my immediate family ever abused me, my parents didn’t even believe in spanking, we were only dysfunctional in the garden variety way that many non-abusive families are. Lots of people have endured far worse than I have. Of course, I know it isn’t a contest, but it sometimes hard to keep that in mind.

I’ve been able to deny or at least minimize my addictions for years. They have been more socially acceptable or hidden – work, cigarettes, food, and a secret fantasy life that has insulated me from ever having to risk any honest emotional connection with a lover. I feel lucky that I haven’t struggled with substance/alcohol addiction. (Unless you count nicotine.) But my refuges are perhaps easier to disappear into.

I can’t tell you anything about recovery. I’ve just recently realized that I have anything to recover from and I am struggling with it. And I can’t tell you anything about what it means to you as men to be survivors. All I can say is “Yeah, I know what you mean.” And, for whatever reason, I really need to say it.

Jer, Mike, I know what you mean.

This has been a remarkable week or so. I didn't expect that I would find here what I did find. I really don't know how to adequately express my thanks to everyone for your support and your intended or unintended counsel.

E

your openness is inspiring.

our struggle is somewhat easier when shared. nevertheless, it is a struggle. I am in such a difficult place right now that I cannot feel anything outside my own experience. but i see the joy of discovery in your posts...i wish you all the best.

I don’t know if joy is exactly the word I’d use, but I do feel like I’ve been hit over the head with an “Oh, duh!!” stick, and that’s a good thing. Now I need to figure out what to do about my life and I’m working on it – reading up, talking with friends, looking into therapy. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to say or do something. Lots of us got a rotten deal and I really hate it. ‘Nuff said.

Thanks for your good wishes. Take care.

E