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#63641 - 12/06/02 04:00 PM Re: my son
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Crackerjack
hi - i'm new to your group - i am the mother of a 13 yo boy and i am concerned that he may have been sexually abused

Those words made me so sad but also tears of joy came over me. You son is so lucky to have a mom like you, one who cares and wants to help. You have come to the best place possible to get knowledge as you help your son heal.
I do agree with most everthing that the others have said. You are doing the right things. It is super important that you find out the truth now. Your son is going through major changes as he grows to be a young man. This is the best time for your son to begin his healing.
I do disagree with one thing, I think that your son would end his silence with you if given the right opertunity. We never told our parents because they never gave us a chance to do that. Who does your son trust more than you.
Find the time to spend a few hours alone and reach out to him. Tell him that you want to help him improve his life, to help him get over what is holding him down, you just want the best for him. Talk to him about his T and if he feels good with this person .Don't talk about the SA just make him know you are there for him. If he was abused it will flow out because he feels safe with you.
Thinken of you, Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#63642 - 12/06/02 10:44 PM Re: my son
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Crackerjack:

You've gotten lots of good advice & encouragement here. You seem to be handling an awful situation very well, with courage & compassion.

When I was 13, I was being put into a children's home by my mother who had abused me & let others abuse me thruout my childhood. She was getting rid of me before she got found out & so she could be "free."

Your son is very fortunate at his age to have a mother like you, with all he's going thru.

If you think the therapist is a good one, give it time. It took me 35 years from the time of my last SA trauma (at age 10) before I remembered any of my SA--this was just last year.

If you can handle it, going after the man who physically abused your son, whether thru prosecution or his work or whatever, may help uncover any SA he may have committed against your boy.

I feel for him & for you. I hope he'll be able to open up & get help. I know how hard it is to do that. Your love & support helps beyond measure.

Take care

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#63643 - 12/19/02 10:29 AM Re: my son
crackerjack Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 5
Loc: massachusetts
please, somebody, tell me that this whole thing gets worse before it gets better. My son is home again from school(yesterday, too) - says he feels sick - but nothing that I can positively say "oh, yeah, a cold....the bug thats going around, etc."- complaints he has: sore throat, dizziness, upset stomach/nausea, says he's hot but doesn't feel it to the touch, headache, not sleeping well - up and down several times during the night - he came out into the living room last night, which is right next to my bedroom. He has already missed 15 or so days of school, and I will be bringing him to the doctors' as some of this can be related to all of his ear problems....but I also just had a meeting with his teachers, as they were concerned with his lack of responsibility, outright lies to them and me regarding homework....actually, if he is graded on all but his homework, he is an A/B student - homework kills his grades, and this has been an ongoing issue.......????? maybe he is getting worse - physically and school wise because he is getting closer to actually dealing with this issue? Please give me your input. CJ


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#63644 - 12/19/02 02:11 PM Re: my son
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
maybe he is getting worse - physically and school wise because he is getting closer to actually dealing with this issue?
Probably. That's why a lot of people try not to deal with it. But they have to; it comes out some way or another. I know that's what happened to me. Tho it sure doesn't look like it right now, it's really probably a good thing your son, and you, seem to be trying to deal with this now--the right way!

But--is your son going to therapy? If not, this could be a great help. If so, maybe he needs to go more often? Or get another one?

Just some thots to consider...

Quote:
actually, if he is graded on all but his homework, he is an A/B student - homework kills his grades, and this has been an ongoing issue.......?????
What is it with homework? I had that same problem in school--now I know why! And I still think most kids get way too much homework!

Take care CJ, and son

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#63645 - 12/19/02 02:16 PM Re: my son
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Crackerjack
I know my behaviour and marks at school changed drastically for the worse from the age of 11, when my abuse started.

I think it was a lot to do with being unable to concentrate, I was becoming obsessed by sex and thought of very little else.

I also developed a personality that made me believe I was different, some of which I believe was a belief that because I had this secret life that was becoming so important to me ( why wouldn't it, the only praise and encouragement I got was for my sexual prowess ) I started to believe I was 'above ordinary things'

But SA isn't the only option, bullying ( not just physical - verbal as well ) and just plain feeling inferior ( lack of a 'family' etc ) can be just as damaging.

I know schools here have some very good services to offer, my wife works in a college for 16 / 17 yo students that provides free counselling.

But I suppose it's like most things - funding might make it patchy.

Don't give up and make sure he knows how much you love him, encourage him to trust you. Make it safe for him to share his problems.

Good luck
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63646 - 12/19/02 02:54 PM Re: my son
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Quote:
please, somebody, tell me that this whole thing gets worse before it gets better.
It gets worse before it gets better. It really does. Confronting these issues brings them to the surface, and that makes things, temporarily worse.

I wish and hope that what I have said gives you some comfort. Sadly, it doeasn't give me much comfort to say them. I think that is because it triggers my own feelings of what it was like to be that age. It was very tough for me.

But your son is in counselling, right? and dealing with this issue specifically? That is so important. I would like to illustrate with my son's story.

My son (age 10) was diagnaosed with Type one Diabetes two years ago. He was in a coma for a couple of days in the hospital. Five months later, I was attacked, stabbed several times and spent almost a week in intensive care. I nearly died. Five months later, his mother's (my wife) sister died unexpectedly and horribly at the aage of 28. My son went to therapy to deal with what was described as severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was hell for a year, but then, almost miraculously, this boy reemerged. The therapist told us, that the younger you are, the more easily one can process the therapeutic benefit.

My wife and I now joke that we still suffer from the PTSD (we were all diagnosed with it) while our son is fine. He processes better than we do.

I hope this helps a little. It is terrible that your son should have to get through this at all, but I am so happy for him that he has a supportive mother and therapist to guide him.

Peace

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#63647 - 12/20/02 04:38 AM Re: my son
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Hi Crackerjack:
hope things get better for you and your son. At times it becomes super hard for us to do things we don,t think are important. Think you son does know whats going on in his classes but just don,t think the homework is important in his life.
If the SA is # 1 on his mind then there is no room for much alse in his world. Hope you and his T can work this out before he get to far behind in his school work. Best of luck Muldoon.
PS Maybe you and you son can spend some time together after Christmas but before he returns to school. Realy think that he will open up to you if you give him the oppertunity. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#63648 - 12/21/02 02:45 AM Re: my son
Lil Red Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/29/02
Posts: 14
Loc: Oregon
Crackerjack Ė
Quote:
complaints he has: sore throat, dizziness, upset stomach/nausea, says he's hot but doesn't feel it to the touch, headache, not sleeping well - up and down several times during the night - he came out into the living room last night, which is right next to my bedroom.
I read this and started to cry. I had the same symptoms at his age, as well as a nosedive in school performance, lying, withdrawal. If I recall your earlier postings, your son was physically abused and you suspect there may have been SA, too. Whatever he has been through, he is obviously suffering. I donít know if any of this applies to you and your son, but Iíll share it.

It can be very difficult for a child/adolescent to put things in a linear or causal order. Said a little more plainly, I knew I was screwing up, but I didnít know it had anything to do with being abused. No amount of my folks asking ĎWhatís wrong?í was really helpful, because I couldnít figure it out. I donít know how you determine if the T your son is seeing is the right one for him, but hopefully the therapy will help him sort this out.

13/14 is a really tough time to be going through this. (Not that thereís a good time.) Just at the time a kid needs to be taking steps away from dependence on his parents. Even as a girl, it was bewildering to need my mother so desperately and at the same time want to be grown up. It can only be more confusing for a boy. I hope you are not too familiar yet with the adolescent shrug and rolling eyes. Hang in there. Iím sure your love and support will be a foundation for him forever even if he doesnít seem to respond now.

E


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#63649 - 12/29/02 10:14 AM Re: my son
crackerjack Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 5
Loc: massachusetts
Thank You All for your input, it has helped me a lot. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy with all of this stuff....sometimes I wonder if I'm looking too hard at all of this, and seeing more than there is....if I listen to one of my sisters, then yes, I am. But I look at her children, and how they've become from her ignoring stuff that was there, and I feel like I'm on the right track. Thank you all for making me feel that way, too. All I want is for all of my kids to grow up healthy, happy, and to know they are loved and worthwhile, and that I am there for them. Thanks,(can't say it enough, can I?)


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#63650 - 12/29/02 01:30 PM Re: my son
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Thanks for listening to your son. You are a good mother. I wish my mother took the approach you are taking either now or 24 years ago.


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