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#63631 - 11/14/02 12:44 PM my son
crackerjack Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 5
Loc: massachusetts
hi - i'm new to your group - i am the mother of a 13 yo boy and i am concerned that he may have been sexually abused. i know that he was physically abused in 1999 by my ex - not his father - but the only reason i bacame aware of it was because the man lost it in front of my 14 yo daughter an d 4 of their friends - hit him so hard in the head that he fell off of a jungle gym - landed on his head. he subsequently developed problems with his ears - his ent said were consistent with a blow to the head. i have had(and still have) him in counselling, have a restraining order against the man, and have tried talking to him myself. he did so poorly in the school year following this that i kept him back a year, but i continue to see problems. he said he was threatened by the man if he told about the physical abuse and that i wouldn't believe him anyway, but when i have questioned him about sexual abuse, he says he doesn't know, he's not sure, he doesn't remember, etc. he continues to do poorly in school, is very forgetful, has many complaints of vague ailments and real ailments - such as constipation, headaches, stomach upset. he has outbursts on occaision of rage and violence. Question - are these signs and symptoms of sexual abuse and or physical abuse? where do i go from here? his counselling is through MSPCC, but he has not discussed any part of the abuse with the counsellor - is this something that will come with time or should i be seeking another counsellor? he seems to like and respond to him. Help!


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#63632 - 11/14/02 02:34 PM Re: my son
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Hi - it certainly sounds like your son is exhibiting symptoms of some kind of abuse. You also said that your son may have sustained some kind of head injury too which could also result in personality changes (has your son had a CT scan or a psychiatric/neurological exam? If not, I would insist on it - dont just rely on your family doctor).

Rage/anger, etc can be the result of any kind of abuse, not just sexual. Although I'm on here because my BF is a SA survivor but I too am a survivor of emotional/physical/mental abuse and I too have had (and continue to have) issues with rage/anger/trust, etc. There are some behaviours that are usually linked to sexual abuse however, such as compulsive sexual activity (i.e. if you find your son touching himself frequently when he never used to do that before) that would be a major red flag.

I am not sure the nature of your son's therapists' approach for your son's treatment - I would talk to him/her and find out if he/she plans on investigating sexual abuse and if he/she is not following up on it within a reasonable amount of time (a few months) after talking to him/her, then I would try another therapist. I am sure that some therapists are better at dealing with SA than others. Remember, just because someone is certified, does not mean they are effective for every patient.

Try not to take it personally if your son does not want to talk about the SA with you directly - with my BF's case he has NEVER told his parents about being molested (for a variety of reasons), even now almost two decades after the abuse happened.

Soccer


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#63633 - 11/14/02 09:23 PM Re: my son
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Your young son has had a tough life so far. I am sorry to hear of all that has happened to him.

Have you talked to his counselor and tod the counselor of the physical abuse? If not, I would think the counselor would want to know that.

It would just be my gut feeling, but if his response to your question about being sexually abused was he doesn't know and doesn't remember, I would very much suspect it. Even a flat, firm "no" could be evasive, but I "I can't remember" seems suspicious to me.

Thanks for being a good and caring Mom. Your loving him and letting him know that you are saddened by the bad things that have happened to him will be helpful to him.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#63634 - 11/14/02 09:53 PM Re: my son
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Hi Crackerjack:
If your son has a good rapport with his present counsellor, it might not make sense to switch him to someone new. Some of the symptoms you note COULD be indicative of sexual abuse. I agree with Bob that his evasiveness is telling. (I've been working with adolescent and adult male victims/survivors for nearly 25 years and adolescent boys are often reluctant to disclose sexual victimization, even when it is fairly obvious).

I would share your concerns and observations with the therapist. If s/he is not very experienced with male victimization issues, s/he should get some help or consultation with someone more experienced. It could be a toss-up in terms of staying with someone familiar and comfortable vs. going to someone new with more experience. A consult could bring the best of both worlds to the relationship.

To avoid a sense of betrayal or putting the counsellor in a difficult position, you might consider letting your son know that you want to tell the counsellor about the abuse and some of the other problems. If he doesn't want you to, I'd take the position that you are doing it for his own good, similar to having him get a shot at the doctor, or getting a cavity filled. It's for his own good, even if he doesn't want it at this time... parent's call for the best. By your telling the therapist, he may be mad at you temporarily, but it can be worked out in counselling.

Ken Singer, LCSW


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#63635 - 11/15/02 10:52 AM Re: my son
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Crackerjack,

Fisrt let me say it is good that you are taking an active role with your son. Most of the guys here did not have a concerned parent to help. (Many had parents for abusers).
I have not told my parents about my abuse. It happened 28 years ago when I was 12. It is not an easy thing to discuss.
Your son's answers indicate that there is more to be learned. "I don't know, I don't remember", are answers many of us have used. Abuse left us confused.
I repressed the memory of my abuse. If someone had asked me soon after it happened I may have answered like your son. I eventually repressed it to the point that I could say "no, I was never abused".
I think that you should discuss your concerns with your son's counselor.

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#63636 - 11/15/02 02:31 PM Re: my son
crackerjack Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 5
Loc: massachusetts
thank you all for your help and information - i did tell my sons' counsellor about the assault - at the start of therapy in (?) march 2001 - it was the reason we started - and we have discussed it since then. i also brought up that i did not know how many other times he had been assaulted or if there had been sexual assault, too. I also dicussed the assault with his ENT - after follow-up for his first operation - i asked the ENT if the hearing loss could have been caused by the blow to the head - the DR confirmed that the type of hearing loss was consistent with blunt force to the head - that is when i got the restraining order against him and still have one - his primary care physician is also aware - (he dropped the man who was responsible for it from his patient group) and after examination felt that he did not require further testing but i will bring it up again as he does have c/o's neck pain also on occaission.....he's been going to this therapist for 1 1/2 years - the last time we discussed his treatment plan he felt he was making progress - just very slowly - stated that in his experience with troubled teens it takes a lot longer to establish trust as there have been very few adults in their lives that they can trust - most of the adults that they have known have hurt them in one way or another.....i'm not surprised that he doesn't talk to me about it - i am his mom after all!....one of the reasons it is so hard for me to not know is the fact that this abuser is an RN! while he has the restraining order on him, he gets fired from every job he gets as a nurse once the CORY check goes through, but it really bugs me that he has any contactwith people who are at risk to be taken advantage of - adult and child alike. i have decided to gather all the information i have available about this man and lodge a formal complaint with the board of nursing - he needs to lose his license - the sooner the better! i'll keep you up to date, and thanks again! Binti-jua (daughter of sunshine in swahili)


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#63637 - 11/15/02 07:28 PM Re: my son
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Crackerjack
How many of here here waited until we were men to disclose our abuse ? an awful lot of us - I was 46.

It's so hard for 'men' to admit we have had some kind of sexual contact with other men, and at 13 he's a young man. And he probably believes the contact ( if it's taken place ) is just that, or worse, in his mind - his fault if that's what he's been told by an abuser. He hasn't had the chance yet to figure out that it was unwanted - it was abuse.

Abusers tell the strongest lie in the world "this is our secret, it will always be our secret" and on pain of being branded "queer - faggot" or any derogatory term like that, we accept the secret.

It wont surface until he's ready to let it out, although the trust of a good counsellor will help that process immensly, and don't forget yourself.
A good counsellor will help you to think clearly and cope with this stressful time, you can't help him if you're suffering yourself.

I agree with the other guys who have said that his evasion makes it likely that SA has taken place, if it hadn't I believe he'd be very defensive and offended by the suggestion that it had.
But, he can't be forced into an admission of what might have happened.
Only when the time is right for him will he say what really happened.

He's a lucky boy, his mother loves him.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63638 - 11/16/02 04:56 PM Re: my son
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
crackerjack, I really praise you for being such a caring mother. I think you have done all you can. Your son will tell whatever he needs to tell when hye is ready. I sure hope that he does not have to suffer anymore. I hope that if there is damage to his neck, that he can get help while he is young and the bones and catrilege are more supple.

Good idea to have a support group you can rely on.
Your son is in my prayers and you too.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#63639 - 11/25/02 07:22 PM Re: my son
Pete Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/25/02
Posts: 7
Loc: New Jersey
You sound like a good Mom. I hope the counselor helps him. I was a victim of severe abuse and understand what he is going through. He needs to understand what happened. I hope that helps. Peter

_________________________
I pray for all my buddies on this site. If you want to talk. please email anytime.

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#63640 - 11/27/02 06:28 PM Re: my son
Pete Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/25/02
Posts: 7
Loc: New Jersey
Please do something as fast as you can. Contact any hospital and get him help. Don't wait. get help from friends neighbors etc. he is prescious and must be helped now. Please do it. Pete

_________________________
I pray for all my buddies on this site. If you want to talk. please email anytime.

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