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#63598 - 12/25/04 08:35 PM mental disorders?
reesersgrl Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
I was just wondering if anyones significant other, friend, family member has been diagnosed as a borderline, bipolar etc. because of the abuse they suffered. Mine has. He had been putting on a pretty good front until all of this resurfaced, then he went over the edge. He left me last week again--won't answer my calls yada, yada. He dissasociates, withdrawls and sees absolutely EVERYTHING in black and white.HIS version of reality is not the true reality. Medication that he's on just seems to be making things worse. I have tried so hard to be there for him, but over the last year, he seems to be migrating more towards his "friends" and former co-patients (unhealthy relationships), and disregarding me. Treating me as if I were the enemy. It's heartbreaking.


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#63599 - 12/27/04 01:24 AM Re: mental disorders?
niagara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 10
I understand exactly...when you say you have become his enemy. I too experience the constant pain of being pulled close to my boyfriend, only to have him run away quicker each time. As the floodgates open with his ability to have someone to "tell", the relationship is becoming less & less. I am deeply saddened listening to the life he lived as a small boy then into his teens,but distancing myself from this I clearly can see it explains his behaviour in our relationship. His lack of trust, inability to have an intimate relationship ( having SEX isn't a problem, it is the "intimacy part...I love you, hugging, kissing etc.) How would I expect a survivor of numerous family members sexually abusing him, allow that man to develope into a man who could have a one on one relationship with me ? I would never expect that person to be able to enter a relationship and have the outcome I desire...sadly 5 years into this relationship, my boyfriend talks about the abuse everytime during sex, describing whatever, acting out, roleplaying, regressing to child talk, even calling me his Mom. I have been patient with the BiPolar,Moods,Black&White,I don't want you...don't leave me, for 5 years, knowing he will never get help for any of that...knowing he will never seek Professional help for his abuse, is my signal that it will never get better. I always thought I could try harder, lover more, be a better friend to him, and he would be able to stop his up & downs...knowing about the incest gives me zero hope for improvement.

You are not alone in feeling like his enemy.


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#63600 - 12/27/04 03:19 AM Re: mental disorders?
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Your stories break my heart. I have a relative in the same situation.
And then there is Ranata, what that woman has put up with me, she deserves medals, honest to God, medals.
I've been trying to get a handle on what happened to me since I was 19...well, it was before that, too. I have never been diagnosed with anything in particular besides the trauma and abused that I went through until I left home for the Army.
My Mother and sister were both Manic-depressives, and if merry-go-round means anything to you, that's what it was like growing up in my house.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that help is now available and unless your friend can come up with a treatment program, I don't see much of chance for success.
You sound like you given years of your lives to these guys...you've got killer decisions to make.
Contact Ken Singer for any possible referral for therapists. Good luck to you and thank you for sharing with us.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#63601 - 12/27/04 03:56 PM Re: mental disorders?
reesersgrl Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Yes, yes, that's exactly how it is. The more free he is to tell others (and I don't begrudge him that)the more distance he puts between us. I know this sounds selfish, but in the beginning, I had thoughts about this same situation happening. I wanted him to get better, but I also wanted him to need just me. I feel so absolutely alone. I have spent the last two and 1/2 years talking him thru panics attacks on the phone, holding him and comforting him, bandaging his wounds of self infliction, late night, im so tired i could drop, back rubs to pull him out of a terrible place, doctor visit after doctor visit, rage after rage--still loving him, still wanted to help him, only to be tossed aside and forgotten. I am the one who encouraged him to go to the police. I am the one who talked him into therapy. I am the one who said YES!! try the medication, Baby. I am the one who said, DONT GIVE UP! And in the end, he gave up on me......


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#63602 - 12/27/04 04:01 PM Re: mental disorders?
reesersgrl Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Niagara, also the s/a has become EVERY conversation. He speaks of revenge and hatred on a constant basis. It has taken over our lives. I find myself constantly wondering what we used to talk about before his memories resurfaced. Most of the time, during our sexual realtionship, I wondered if he was even there with me at all...


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#63603 - 12/27/04 09:15 PM Re: mental disorders?
niagara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 10
Thanks REESERSGRL, for touching on the ability for the Survivor to make us feel uneeded & forgotten, I think of it as becoming a disposable person.
Has anyone that is a Partner of a Survivor felt once the Survivor begins to disclose...they see us, as a "witness" to the actions taken against them...varying between them being embarassed & ashamed,with regressing into the age they were during the abuse.
It is obvious now,while I am making love to him, it is not me he is with...he is a lifetime away. As mentioned on an earlier post, now that the abuse is out, the abuse consumes our sexual time, interestingly it is never discussed outside of that enviroment.
The increased distance & coldness directed at me is so unfair, as I care deeply & would support him through this & any crisis. He has been there for me at rough times in my life, but the difference is I am not opposed to getting help from the proper sources.

I have never seen him as an "emotional punching bag" which is what I have beome to him.

Regards,


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#63604 - 12/27/04 10:43 PM Re: mental disorders?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
I'm not sure what this means:
Quote:
Has anyone that is a Partner of a Survivor felt once the Survivor begins to disclose...they see us, as a "witness" to the actions taken against them...varying between them being embarassed & ashamed,with regressing into the age they were during the abuse.
I have witnessed some of what this describes. I have seen my boyfriend's posture and vocabulary change when we were discussing his abuse, in a way that could be a regression to the age he was when he was abused. It was nothing dramatic but I know him so I noticed a difference. Of course I have seen him ashamed, guilty, afraid, etc.

I don't know exactly how he feels about that, from what he's told me I'd imagine that he has positive feelings about his ability to share with me and the strength of the bond and trust between us. When I was scared that he would recover and then leave me, I brought it to him and he laughed and asked what would make me think that he would leave the only person he trusted enough to tell.

But I think the question is asking if his disclosure to me makes me a witness to the abuse, or associates me with the act of abuse in his mind. I have no idea. I doubt it.

However, I believe that it is very important for me to keep out of his healing until I am invited, while still asking for accountability from him in matters concerning the both of us. I want to keep our relationship healthy, and that takes work and communciation, but I also want to keep it as free from abuse talk as possible, a safe place. It's a tricky balance, but it doesn't leave a lot of room for these damaging associations.

In terms of the rest of the thread, I do think that partners should set expectations high when it comes to how they will be treated. Certainly it is within your rights NOT to be an emotional punching bag, NOT to do anything with him sexually that makes you uncomfortable.

Not being honest about what you need from a partner to be happy in the relationship, allowing your boundaries to be ignored, putting up with abuse, lack of trust, disrespect, focusing on abuse issues to the detriment of the rest of the relationship-- these things are not caring, they are not healthy, and when one of the parties in that relationship gets healthy, he or she will naturally move away from this sort of unhealthiness.

At that point both parties will have to sort out what is left of the relationship, if the whole thing has been neglected and rebuilt around these abuse issues, then maybe there will be little to salvage. \:\(


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#63605 - 12/28/04 10:42 AM Re: mental disorders?
Mezzo Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/22/04
Posts: 2
Loc: Oregon
I am very interested in the possibility that sexual abuse may cause a child to become manic depressive/bipolar. I understand there is some research to indicate that abused children develop Attention Deficit Syndrome. This really makes sense to me. I see some indication of this with my partner.

I really identified with the pain you described about being treated like "the enemy" after years of giving love, care and understanding while other "new abused friends" were showered by my partner with sensitive care and intimate conversation. It was the ultimate in "crazy making". I thought I was losing my mind, to say nothing of losing my best friend.

I don't have any answers but I have been thankful for the support of friends and the healing that therapists have given both of us. I am thankful for the peace that we have now most of the time and for just being able to feel kind of "normal". I'm not assuming that the storms are gone forever but just thankful we're not experiencing them right now. Makes me want to tell you to have hope. Things can get better, particularly when therapy is involved. Peace to you.


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#63606 - 12/28/04 01:01 PM Re: mental disorders?
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa



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#63608 - 12/28/04 02:09 PM Re: mental disorders?
reesersgrl Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Well, Niagara, you and I seem to be on the same page here. I have very much felt that (and he's even told me in his own way) that I know too much about him, i.e. what happened to him, the acting out situations etc. He trusted me enough to let all this stuff come out(with my persuasion) but it bit me in the behind in the end. Sometimes I'm sorry that I pushed him to disclose. It may be helping him, but it ruined us. Emotional punching bag, lol, I believe those are the exact words I used in another post.
I'm very confused, hurt and angry. Yesterday I saw him for the first time in about a week, and he made me talk to him thru a crack in the car window. (okay, okay, I had choices, but I was filled with desperation!!)Then he took off. Wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't give me answers to any of my questions. It's so insane. It's hard enough to leave a normal, just uncompatible relationship. When someone leaves you after a mentally exhausting situation such as this, it leaves so many unanswered questions in your mind. I decided then, that I have to let him go. As much as it hurts me, he is no longer the person I fell in love with. I too, had thoughts of him leaving me once his life started to come together. He assured me that this would not happen. Now my whole world, hopes for healing and growing together-gone. Flip flopped on me right b4 my eyes.
I hope that he is able to heal his mind, his heart and his soul. I doubt this will happen as long as he keeps lying to his therapist and to himself. As long as he continues to self medicate and put himself in negative environments.
I'm starting back with my therapist this morning. Im dreading going, because I just don'[t want to cry anymore.Wish me luck....Thanks, Vicky


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#63609 - 12/28/04 07:12 PM Re: mental disorders?
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Hi Reesesgrl,
this is my first post after about 10 hrs of reading in the last 2 days! will keep this one short but was struck by having used those same sort of terms in my thoughts and feelings at difficult times- "disposable, throw-away-able, used" , etc. I noticed in the guys boards they often recommend Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer"- that book SAVED MY SPIRIT in relating with my bf and I wanted to share that with you. Gets me through the "shut-outs" healthily, really helps me depersonalize the hurt and get a bigger understanding than my immediate reactions. The newer edition (with the cover of the guy standing on the rocks at the ocean ) has a chapter devoted entirely to freinds of the CAS - it was wonderful but the whole book was wonderful for me. took away the confusion and thus a lot of the hurt. was great for personal understandings as well of course. I'm sure I'll post more in the future and am reluctant to say too much more today. need to get up and away after so many hours here, but i must say I'm very thankful for these board's and everyone's sharing. I was lucky enough to find the book in stock at the local big bookstore but online's great too. I'm about to buy Mike's second book. and just an FYI - although I've lent the bf my book, haven't given it to him- he knows where to buy it when he's ready for his own copy. take care and hope you give yourself that gift!


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#63610 - 12/28/04 08:00 PM Re: mental disorders?
reesersgrl Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
An, thanks so much for your input. I have been doing nothing but filling my head with information pertaining to this situation. I do have a much better understanding of what is happening here, but it comes a little to late, I'm afraid. I used to take his outbursts and outrageous behavior very personally. I mean, how can you not, when it's directed at you and you live with it on a daily basis. I wish I could have, would have, reacted differently in the past. I can't beat myself up over it anymore. It's tearing me apart. I DO know that the support I have given, far exceeds the times where I "lost it" out of frustration and hurt feelings.
The people here, whether they know it or not, have held me together. I only wish that Bobby could discover this sight. I have told him about it, and refuses to even attempt to look. He seems to be reveling in all the attention he is getting and honestly, I don't think he wants to be well, not at this time anyhow. Telling the truth, admitting it to himself, working towards healing, would mean putting all this in the past. I don't believe he's ready for that. I cannot and will not let him drag me down any further into the black hole he is in. I would have stood by him thru anything. He and the 15 year old boy inside him, chose to run.


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#63611 - 12/28/04 10:24 PM Re: mental disorders?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
This whole post has me in tears, what did they do to us!

I think that every Survivor I know will plead guilty to some or all of the charges laid down here.
The SA fucks us up, it makes us angry - as I am now because what I read I recognise.
It's NO way to live a relationship.

I've never been abusive, physically or verbally, to my wife. Other than regular 'domestics' :rolleyes:
But I still can't be intimate to the degree we'd both like. Sex is like described above, I'm 'somewhere else'.
And the other stuff too, my life revolves about 'my abuse'- or at least to a greater degree that I want it to. ( my involvement here I do keep seperate somehow )

Love somehow seems to overcome so much, and I for one am truly grateful for that.
We're not easy people to live with.

Quote:
When I was scared that he would recover and then leave me, I brought it to him and he laughed and asked what would make me think that he would leave the only person he trusted enough to tell.
SAR, that's the truth! My wife had exactly the same fears.
But now she says that the fear was actually greater before I disclosed because she didn't know why I was the way I was.
"really fucked up !"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63612 - 12/28/04 10:40 PM Re: mental disorders?
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Yup.

But let us all remember - if all goes well, the healing process will move along with all its twists & turns.

But no one can know that at the very beginning. Even if we profess to have faith, should we (Survivors & Partners) try to entangle ourselves with each other at the very beginning of the healing, we are bound for a much rougher time of it.

Some of us simply will not be able to endure the demands & some won't be able to live with the expectations.

I'd LOVE to believe that LOVE would be enough, but sometimes Love needs a very very tough skin, too.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#63613 - 12/28/04 10:53 PM Re: mental disorders?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Dave
Quote:
My wife had exactly the same fears.
But now she says that the fear was actually greater before I disclosed because she didn't know why I was the way I was.
It is so hard, there are two fears happening at once, the first is "What if he never gets any better" and the second is "What the HELL will happen if he gets better?" Both I think are pretty universal.

So much of our role as partner to a fucked-up person revolves around the fucked-up-ness of each other and the relationship, what happens to the relationship when that goes away? The idea that my boyfriend was really going to begin a healing journey, at the end of which he'd be a "different person" from the one who first fell in love with me, was terrifying. It made me look hard at myself and at the foundations of our relationship. Were we just two kids acting out our pasts with no real healthy love to build on? Even if we could be healthy people, had the years of poor communication and hurt damaged our ability to be healthy people with each other?

It would have been nearly as easy for me to hold him back from recovering as it would have been to push him too hard to recover.


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#63614 - 12/29/04 01:07 AM Re: mental disorders?
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Deleted cause I thought it best to right now~



Edited by An (04/24/10 10:46 PM)
Edit Reason: Time & learning

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#63615 - 12/29/04 01:23 AM Re: mental disorders?
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Quote:
the healthiest thing to do for him is keep myself healthy.
This needs to the moto for the F&F's form. If you read over the post of new F&F's you will see a very common thread. Which is just what you said. If you lose yourself in trying to help us deal with our healing, then where does that leave you?

Take care of yourself first and for most!!!!!!!

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#63616 - 12/29/04 01:25 AM Re: mental disorders?
niagara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 10
I'll start off by thanking...REESERSGRL for starting this conversation, there is comfort in knowing other partners understand my confusion.

I am glad that my bf,disclosed,it made his behaviour in the past now understandable.Times we became closer,suddenly he distanced himself. He would prefer root canal over saying " I Love You ", but his actions proof without a doubt he loves me. Never have I received a Birthday or Christmas present...this man is not cheap or without the reasources,otherwise he treats me like a queen. We go out, have great times, enjoy each others company...but there are some MAJOR issues, that I have accepted & figured must have been from his past, most likely childhood.
The "shut outs" previously described by AN, I am all too familiar with. The knowledge of the SA, doesn't make his behaviour more acceptable...now I can identify & group his "stupidity" as not directed at me rather a way for him to vent . Instead of feeling injured to his confusing actions, I "emotionally" distance myself from his present outburst, so I will have the strentgh & desire to continue my friendship with my Best Friend.
Regards, Niagara


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#63617 - 12/29/04 01:39 AM Re: mental disorders?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
An,

Welcome to MS.

Feel free to start a thread of your own if there's not one that asks the questions that are on your mind, also you can read back quite a long way and also search the forums if you're looking for a specific topic. (the "search" function is on top, by the link to your profile)

Personally I think it would be better just to give your boyfriend a link to the site and allow him to make his own decisions about it than to buy him a membership before he's even seen what it's all about. There's nothing to keep you from joining yourself, though, and if you stick to the Members' F&F forum, your posts will be private, that might make him feel more comfortable about making his own posts here.

SAR


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#63618 - 12/29/04 01:56 AM Re: mental disorders?
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
SAR-
thanks for the response- I agree- didn't realize too that there was separate access membership wise(for F& F separate from the other areas) but I think that is wonderful. I was even a little hesitant to post his situation here, always don't want to be violating his confidentiality and that's been a problem issue within myself because of my own needs for support- wish again is why i'm so glad I came across this site.
i did do a search on several things earlier but still didn't find some of the specifics I was looking for- maybe will when i become a member. I can't think of anything more worth it. Just waiting for the new tax year...


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#63619 - 12/29/04 02:09 AM Re: mental disorders?
niagara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 10
AN, you describe BF as being overwelhmed with "relationship". We, more myself have joked,for 5 years that we are "committed to a non committed relationship, non relationship" As unbelievable as that sounds...it appears to soothe panic in him. Just as recent as Dec.26.04, after a nice Christmas Day, I was talking on the phone to him, said the "r" word, he when on red alert, said I wasn't his best friend, we are only good friends, he wants to see me live a more independent life, and hung up on me.
He at times describes "it" (closeness or whatever it is,he is fearing/wanting ) as a feeling of suffocating, like an octopuss has a hold on him, like he will drown.
The SA history is fresh to me,within the last month. Within the last week, he admitted it was mother-son incest.
I was lucky to find this supportive site, in my search for info.
Regards
Niagara \:\)


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#63620 - 12/29/04 05:12 AM Re: mental disorders?
reesersgrl Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
It is so hard, there are two fears happening at once, the first is "What if he never gets any better" and the second is "What the HELL will happen if he gets better?" Both I think are pretty universal.

--------------------------------------------------
WOW, WOW, and WOW!! Are you in my head or what??? So many similarities. Almost word for word.
This just all sucks. I need a vacation.
p.s. My counselor called in sick today.


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#63621 - 12/29/04 06:17 AM Re: mental disorders?
niagara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 10
Perhaps as PARTNERS of SURVIVORS...we should re-focus our energy towards today.
Easier said than done, I agree. Between the Survivors fear about the past, our understandable fear about the future,neither is living for today,which is the only area we can attempt to have any control or influence over.
I offer this as advise, that I too could benefit,& should be following.

The SA we have no control over changing, it happened,we have become part of the aftermath,because of the Man we Love. If all our energy is scared & terrified (I am NOT saying I am not shaky at times, I am) about what if we are his strength, than he walks out,what more is there I don't know ?, how much more is he going to regress ?, how much more, can I listen to before I snap ! ! !,we are letting fear dictate our day.
Control appears to be a major need for the Survivor, well I want it to. I want to control the outcome not of next year, but the next day. I want to replace the fear the Survivors lived with everyday, that I am now "saddled" with, thoughts & actions towards empowerment. He deserves me to be strong for him, I deserve to be strong for myself. Prior to a month ago,this was not my life, well it isn't going to eat the life out of me. People who were supposed to be his support growing up, scarred him for life. With him brave enough to share his pain, I am more equipped,or perhaps more tolerable to handle his behaviour/hot&cold etc.
Get through every day at a time...

Cheers Niagara \:\)


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#63622 - 12/29/04 12:10 PM Re: mental disorders?
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa



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#63623 - 12/29/04 09:45 PM Re: mental disorders?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Quote:
Through this site, i just discovered 2 books dealing specifically with mother-son incest- a minor miracle.
*snip*
I noticed in the guys boards they often recommend Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer"- that book SAVED MY SPIRIT in relating with my bf and I wanted to share that with you.
Just wanted to remind any of you who are book shopping that it helps MaleSurvivor if you go through the site.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/Bookstore/index.htm
\:\)


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#63624 - 12/29/04 09:53 PM Re: mental disorders?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Niagra,

I am going to start a new thread and respond there to your last post.


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#63625 - 01/03/05 10:46 PM Re: mental disorders?
FastForward Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/04
Posts: 188
Loc: US
This is a good topic. Boundries in these situations are so critical. I did put up with a ton if c---- and then came two things that crossed the line: lying and cheating. The contact is gone, the friendship is gone, the pain is getting less with every passing day.

I feel for all of you who have felt so diminished, or were labeled as such. No amout of abuse excuses dehumanizing another human being. I continue to ask myself how any person deased in a way that CSA does, can turn around and do that to another person? For the behavior you describe is abuse.

Peace and caring to all here. Happy New Year!

_________________________
FastForward

L&P - always.

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#63626 - 01/04/05 03:49 AM Re: mental disorders?
Val Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/05
Posts: 8
Loc: nc
I just read up on all the posts and am so amazed I feel the same as everyone else. The above post sums up what my husband just did to me-dehumanize. We have been seperated (his choice)for a few weeks and he decided to send out an email to friends and family (my parents and aunt/uncles) on his perception of what a horrid person I was and how I had everyone fooled into believing I was a good person. I won't go into detail but he gushed for three typed pages about my low character, examples of past behavior which were his version. etc... Two days later he actually told my best friend he did it to bring me down to his level and make us even, now we could start to rebuild! I truly believe my husband is bipolar. He is suicidal at times and very depressed then other times he is raging and almost in a constant frenzy. He refuses help. I have begged for him to go with or without me. I have had to force myself into believing this has nothing to do with me. Even though in his mind I am the perp. I still love him and want our marriage to work but it will never work until he can live with himself. We had to go to court today. The judge ordered a protective order for me. He has not done anything physical but his behavior is so irratic it basically keeps him from making threats or harassing. He called this pm to find out about our kids. He was so depressed and sad. My heart breaks for him. I want to slap him and tell him to live for today and be grateful for what he has a wife and children that love him no matter what. But how do convince someone the sky is blue when he swears it's black?


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#63627 - 01/23/05 06:16 PM Re: mental disorders?
allioop5 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/23/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Houston
My boyfriend is ADHD. He has not been diagnosed as bipolar, however, he has symptoms very much like it.

Over these Christmas holidays we flew to New Jersey to visit his family and while there he became a completely different person. He suddenly decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said I ruined him and that he could never be in another relationship again. If I gave him a compliment he would get furious and say that I was lying to him.
It was a year ago that he disclosed to me that he was sexually abused. I really tried to encourage him to go to counseling and offered to go through it with him. He did not want to go because he said he was afraid if would bring out more stuff and make him more "fucked up" than he already was.
I cannot help but feel so hurt. After almost 5 years he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore and seemed to blame everything on me. I am so confused because I have always made it apparent that I would be there for him no matter what and I have done my best to put up with his so called mood swings. I actually had to fly home by myself early this christmas because he was so mean--it was if he had no emotions whatsoever.
I don't know what to do now because I love him so much and I am so worried about him but he does not want to go to counseling. And I can't help but feel angry that I "wasted" 5 years of my life and now I get thrown to the side.


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#63628 - 02/08/05 12:04 AM Re: mental disorders?
justensmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/07/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Texas
My question is does this continue for ever?

The episodes of depression then mania?
The pulling you in and then pushing you away all over again?
Being confused on whether to hate the man who did this to him or love him still because its his father?
As his mother I am tourmented by these things that my baby goes through and has gone through. How do we truly help?

I am remarried now and my husband and son are so close, he calls him daddy, but he still battles with the biological father. It rips out our hearts everytime he speaks of hm knowing what he did to him. I have to stay home full time with him now because he nas so many emotional problems and plus he is a brittle type 1 diabetic, I love him so much, but this is so draining. I just wonder will it get better? Will he ever find inner peace?

_________________________
"The truth will set us free"

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#63629 - 02/10/05 03:04 PM Re: mental disorders?
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
I suppose we are allowed to write here, so I will. If not, I'm sorry. I identify with what you are saying from the "other side". I was diagnosed as bi-polar about six months after my memories started to re-surface. I was 55. I thought it was strange that no one had picked up on it before that, but then figured that, since it's bi-polar II, that that might be the reason. Also, since there are others in my family who are bi-polar, I figured that it probably had been there all along. Also I have often wondered if I was diagnosed incorrectly because I was so depressed over the CA. I've been depressed all my life, but having discovered the CA could account for that. Anyway, I'm on every BP medicine under the sun and that seems to be helping.

I will try to express how I feel. I have done nothing else since I started writing here. I seem to understand better how I feel when I see it actually written down.

I like several others who have written feel very badly about how I relate to my wife concerning my CA. We grew up together and have been married for 37 years. She knows all of the people involved in my CA and has had close relationships with all of them. It would seem to be the perfect relationship for sharing.

Still there is a part of this that drives me inside. She asks questions and I try to give honest answers. I want her to know how I feel and what is going on inside. I want to relate to her openly and honestly. But there is a part of this that is so deeply personal.... The damage and the recovery are inside. The perpetrator did something to me from the outside, but he caused me to retreat/flee inside for survival. I am injured and hiding. To come out, I have to descend inside to find myself and try to pull that part of me out into the sun and back into life.

That's no excuse for the way I treat you. You are there, and you are anxious to help and I make you feel as though you were an outsider looking in. I also make you very fearful that the things I am thinking will eventually exclude you to the point that we will no longer be together, so you fight to stay a part of what is going on.

I make you walk a mental tightrope. I need you to be close. I need to know you are there for me. Yet I push you away at those moments when I most need someone to comfort me. I don't know why I do that. I don't want to do that. It's just that, when I am having my most difficult times and need to be held the most, those are the times when I simply cannot tolerate being held. Arms around me cause me to pull away. I don't understand that. I am not rejecting you. I am simply reacting on a level that I cannot explain to you.

Do not confuse my reactions with my love. They are not the same. When I am reacting to my CA, I am in a different place. I still love you. I still respect you. I don't resent you. I always appreciate you. I never want you to go away. I never want to hurt you. I never want to be selfish and only think of me. But I am injured. If I was cut or bruised and you could see my wound, you would understand that, if you touched it, I would pull away because of the pain. This may be the same thing....I don't know. Perhaps when you touch my wound out of love and caring, it hurts so badly that I must pull away from you in pain. I never mean to hurt you...ever.

I would understand completely if you left. I almost expect you to. I almost want you to to protect yourself from this thing that consumes me. It is an approach avoidance thing. To suffer alone is almost more than I can stand, but to watch you suffer because of who I am is just as, if not more painful. I hurt myself and you at the same time and right now I can stop neither.

I can make no promises. I don't know who I am right now. Discovering my CA has destroyed my concept of who I was, and I have no idea who I will be when I have dealt with all of this and have been "healed". I have no guarantees. I can only tell you that I love you and that, if I hurt you, I will hurt myself as well.

I may or may not be gay. I can't tell. I was straight. Then I was gay. Now I don't know. In addition to destroying everything else, he destroyed my concept of my sexuality.

I have been talking to my wife to try to help you perhaps understand where I'm coming from. I know that we are all very different and that your boyfriend, husband, etc., is probably very different from me. We are all individuals. We didn't start out as the same person and we have been affected by this thing in different ways. We do have similarities, however. In fact the similarities are sometimes shocking to me.

All I am trying to say I think is. I appreciate her so very much. I love her so very much. I can't possibly understand what she must be going through. I can make no guarantees. What I would wish is that, when this thing gets better, we are still side by side. I know I will always love her. But I hope beyond all else that she takes care of herself and that, if things get too difficult to stay with me, she will not sacrifice herself, but will do what is necessary for her own well being. The last thing I want is for two lives to be completely destroyed by this thing, although it may be too late.

Finally, it's not my place to thank anyone else but my wife for riding out this thing with me, but I do feel that I want to tell all of you who are going through this how much what you are doing is appreciated by all of us. Sometimes, when we want to tell you that the most, we just can't say it out loud. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#63630 - 02/10/05 11:25 PM Re: mental disorders?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi Bobby,

Thanks for that great post. Feel free to put down your feelings here anytime.
Quote:
We grew up together and have been married for 37 years. She knows all of the people involved in my CA and has had close relationships with all of them. It would seem to be the perfect relationship for sharing.
The same is true for my relationship--well not the 37 years part, but we grew up in the same town and know all the same people-- it has made sharing easier and harder. We have a strong foundation due to our shared past, similar experiences. There is much that he doesn't have to explain to me, because I know it. I've seen it. I've met them. I think that makes it easier at times. But it is hard sometimes not to cycle through all those years in my head-- not to blame myself for what I didn't see, what I didn't say. Funny how I tell him that there's no reason for him to be eaten up with guilt over things he did before he even hit puberty, but I have a hard time extending that forgiveness to myself when it comes to our childhood friendship.


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