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#63619 - 12/29/04 02:09 AM Re: mental disorders?
niagara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 10
AN, you describe BF as being overwelhmed with "relationship". We, more myself have joked,for 5 years that we are "committed to a non committed relationship, non relationship" As unbelievable as that sounds...it appears to soothe panic in him. Just as recent as Dec.26.04, after a nice Christmas Day, I was talking on the phone to him, said the "r" word, he when on red alert, said I wasn't his best friend, we are only good friends, he wants to see me live a more independent life, and hung up on me.
He at times describes "it" (closeness or whatever it is,he is fearing/wanting ) as a feeling of suffocating, like an octopuss has a hold on him, like he will drown.
The SA history is fresh to me,within the last month. Within the last week, he admitted it was mother-son incest.
I was lucky to find this supportive site, in my search for info.
Regards
Niagara \:\)


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#63620 - 12/29/04 05:12 AM Re: mental disorders?
reesersgrl Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
It is so hard, there are two fears happening at once, the first is "What if he never gets any better" and the second is "What the HELL will happen if he gets better?" Both I think are pretty universal.

--------------------------------------------------
WOW, WOW, and WOW!! Are you in my head or what??? So many similarities. Almost word for word.
This just all sucks. I need a vacation.
p.s. My counselor called in sick today.


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#63621 - 12/29/04 06:17 AM Re: mental disorders?
niagara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 10
Perhaps as PARTNERS of SURVIVORS...we should re-focus our energy towards today.
Easier said than done, I agree. Between the Survivors fear about the past, our understandable fear about the future,neither is living for today,which is the only area we can attempt to have any control or influence over.
I offer this as advise, that I too could benefit,& should be following.

The SA we have no control over changing, it happened,we have become part of the aftermath,because of the Man we Love. If all our energy is scared & terrified (I am NOT saying I am not shaky at times, I am) about what if we are his strength, than he walks out,what more is there I don't know ?, how much more is he going to regress ?, how much more, can I listen to before I snap ! ! !,we are letting fear dictate our day.
Control appears to be a major need for the Survivor, well I want it to. I want to control the outcome not of next year, but the next day. I want to replace the fear the Survivors lived with everyday, that I am now "saddled" with, thoughts & actions towards empowerment. He deserves me to be strong for him, I deserve to be strong for myself. Prior to a month ago,this was not my life, well it isn't going to eat the life out of me. People who were supposed to be his support growing up, scarred him for life. With him brave enough to share his pain, I am more equipped,or perhaps more tolerable to handle his behaviour/hot&cold etc.
Get through every day at a time...

Cheers Niagara \:\)


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#63622 - 12/29/04 12:10 PM Re: mental disorders?
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa



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#63623 - 12/29/04 09:45 PM Re: mental disorders?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Quote:
Through this site, i just discovered 2 books dealing specifically with mother-son incest- a minor miracle.
*snip*
I noticed in the guys boards they often recommend Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer"- that book SAVED MY SPIRIT in relating with my bf and I wanted to share that with you.
Just wanted to remind any of you who are book shopping that it helps MaleSurvivor if you go through the site.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/Bookstore/index.htm
\:\)


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#63624 - 12/29/04 09:53 PM Re: mental disorders?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Niagra,

I am going to start a new thread and respond there to your last post.


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#63625 - 01/03/05 10:46 PM Re: mental disorders?
FastForward Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/04
Posts: 188
Loc: US
This is a good topic. Boundries in these situations are so critical. I did put up with a ton if c---- and then came two things that crossed the line: lying and cheating. The contact is gone, the friendship is gone, the pain is getting less with every passing day.

I feel for all of you who have felt so diminished, or were labeled as such. No amout of abuse excuses dehumanizing another human being. I continue to ask myself how any person deased in a way that CSA does, can turn around and do that to another person? For the behavior you describe is abuse.

Peace and caring to all here. Happy New Year!

_________________________
FastForward

L&P - always.

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#63626 - 01/04/05 03:49 AM Re: mental disorders?
Val Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/05
Posts: 8
Loc: nc
I just read up on all the posts and am so amazed I feel the same as everyone else. The above post sums up what my husband just did to me-dehumanize. We have been seperated (his choice)for a few weeks and he decided to send out an email to friends and family (my parents and aunt/uncles) on his perception of what a horrid person I was and how I had everyone fooled into believing I was a good person. I won't go into detail but he gushed for three typed pages about my low character, examples of past behavior which were his version. etc... Two days later he actually told my best friend he did it to bring me down to his level and make us even, now we could start to rebuild! I truly believe my husband is bipolar. He is suicidal at times and very depressed then other times he is raging and almost in a constant frenzy. He refuses help. I have begged for him to go with or without me. I have had to force myself into believing this has nothing to do with me. Even though in his mind I am the perp. I still love him and want our marriage to work but it will never work until he can live with himself. We had to go to court today. The judge ordered a protective order for me. He has not done anything physical but his behavior is so irratic it basically keeps him from making threats or harassing. He called this pm to find out about our kids. He was so depressed and sad. My heart breaks for him. I want to slap him and tell him to live for today and be grateful for what he has a wife and children that love him no matter what. But how do convince someone the sky is blue when he swears it's black?


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#63627 - 01/23/05 06:16 PM Re: mental disorders?
allioop5 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/23/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Houston
My boyfriend is ADHD. He has not been diagnosed as bipolar, however, he has symptoms very much like it.

Over these Christmas holidays we flew to New Jersey to visit his family and while there he became a completely different person. He suddenly decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said I ruined him and that he could never be in another relationship again. If I gave him a compliment he would get furious and say that I was lying to him.
It was a year ago that he disclosed to me that he was sexually abused. I really tried to encourage him to go to counseling and offered to go through it with him. He did not want to go because he said he was afraid if would bring out more stuff and make him more "fucked up" than he already was.
I cannot help but feel so hurt. After almost 5 years he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore and seemed to blame everything on me. I am so confused because I have always made it apparent that I would be there for him no matter what and I have done my best to put up with his so called mood swings. I actually had to fly home by myself early this christmas because he was so mean--it was if he had no emotions whatsoever.
I don't know what to do now because I love him so much and I am so worried about him but he does not want to go to counseling. And I can't help but feel angry that I "wasted" 5 years of my life and now I get thrown to the side.


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#63628 - 02/08/05 12:04 AM Re: mental disorders?
justensmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/07/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Texas
My question is does this continue for ever?

The episodes of depression then mania?
The pulling you in and then pushing you away all over again?
Being confused on whether to hate the man who did this to him or love him still because its his father?
As his mother I am tourmented by these things that my baby goes through and has gone through. How do we truly help?

I am remarried now and my husband and son are so close, he calls him daddy, but he still battles with the biological father. It rips out our hearts everytime he speaks of hm knowing what he did to him. I have to stay home full time with him now because he nas so many emotional problems and plus he is a brittle type 1 diabetic, I love him so much, but this is so draining. I just wonder will it get better? Will he ever find inner peace?

_________________________
"The truth will set us free"

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