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#63609 - 12/28/04 07:12 PM Re: mental disorders?
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Hi Reesesgrl,
this is my first post after about 10 hrs of reading in the last 2 days! will keep this one short but was struck by having used those same sort of terms in my thoughts and feelings at difficult times- "disposable, throw-away-able, used" , etc. I noticed in the guys boards they often recommend Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer"- that book SAVED MY SPIRIT in relating with my bf and I wanted to share that with you. Gets me through the "shut-outs" healthily, really helps me depersonalize the hurt and get a bigger understanding than my immediate reactions. The newer edition (with the cover of the guy standing on the rocks at the ocean ) has a chapter devoted entirely to freinds of the CAS - it was wonderful but the whole book was wonderful for me. took away the confusion and thus a lot of the hurt. was great for personal understandings as well of course. I'm sure I'll post more in the future and am reluctant to say too much more today. need to get up and away after so many hours here, but i must say I'm very thankful for these board's and everyone's sharing. I was lucky enough to find the book in stock at the local big bookstore but online's great too. I'm about to buy Mike's second book. and just an FYI - although I've lent the bf my book, haven't given it to him- he knows where to buy it when he's ready for his own copy. take care and hope you give yourself that gift!


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#63610 - 12/28/04 08:00 PM Re: mental disorders?
reesersgrl Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
An, thanks so much for your input. I have been doing nothing but filling my head with information pertaining to this situation. I do have a much better understanding of what is happening here, but it comes a little to late, I'm afraid. I used to take his outbursts and outrageous behavior very personally. I mean, how can you not, when it's directed at you and you live with it on a daily basis. I wish I could have, would have, reacted differently in the past. I can't beat myself up over it anymore. It's tearing me apart. I DO know that the support I have given, far exceeds the times where I "lost it" out of frustration and hurt feelings.
The people here, whether they know it or not, have held me together. I only wish that Bobby could discover this sight. I have told him about it, and refuses to even attempt to look. He seems to be reveling in all the attention he is getting and honestly, I don't think he wants to be well, not at this time anyhow. Telling the truth, admitting it to himself, working towards healing, would mean putting all this in the past. I don't believe he's ready for that. I cannot and will not let him drag me down any further into the black hole he is in. I would have stood by him thru anything. He and the 15 year old boy inside him, chose to run.


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#63611 - 12/28/04 10:24 PM Re: mental disorders?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
This whole post has me in tears, what did they do to us!

I think that every Survivor I know will plead guilty to some or all of the charges laid down here.
The SA fucks us up, it makes us angry - as I am now because what I read I recognise.
It's NO way to live a relationship.

I've never been abusive, physically or verbally, to my wife. Other than regular 'domestics' :rolleyes:
But I still can't be intimate to the degree we'd both like. Sex is like described above, I'm 'somewhere else'.
And the other stuff too, my life revolves about 'my abuse'- or at least to a greater degree that I want it to. ( my involvement here I do keep seperate somehow )

Love somehow seems to overcome so much, and I for one am truly grateful for that.
We're not easy people to live with.

Quote:
When I was scared that he would recover and then leave me, I brought it to him and he laughed and asked what would make me think that he would leave the only person he trusted enough to tell.
SAR, that's the truth! My wife had exactly the same fears.
But now she says that the fear was actually greater before I disclosed because she didn't know why I was the way I was.
"really fucked up !"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63612 - 12/28/04 10:40 PM Re: mental disorders?
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Yup.

But let us all remember - if all goes well, the healing process will move along with all its twists & turns.

But no one can know that at the very beginning. Even if we profess to have faith, should we (Survivors & Partners) try to entangle ourselves with each other at the very beginning of the healing, we are bound for a much rougher time of it.

Some of us simply will not be able to endure the demands & some won't be able to live with the expectations.

I'd LOVE to believe that LOVE would be enough, but sometimes Love needs a very very tough skin, too.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#63613 - 12/28/04 10:53 PM Re: mental disorders?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Dave
Quote:
My wife had exactly the same fears.
But now she says that the fear was actually greater before I disclosed because she didn't know why I was the way I was.
It is so hard, there are two fears happening at once, the first is "What if he never gets any better" and the second is "What the HELL will happen if he gets better?" Both I think are pretty universal.

So much of our role as partner to a fucked-up person revolves around the fucked-up-ness of each other and the relationship, what happens to the relationship when that goes away? The idea that my boyfriend was really going to begin a healing journey, at the end of which he'd be a "different person" from the one who first fell in love with me, was terrifying. It made me look hard at myself and at the foundations of our relationship. Were we just two kids acting out our pasts with no real healthy love to build on? Even if we could be healthy people, had the years of poor communication and hurt damaged our ability to be healthy people with each other?

It would have been nearly as easy for me to hold him back from recovering as it would have been to push him too hard to recover.


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#63614 - 12/29/04 01:07 AM Re: mental disorders?
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Deleted cause I thought it best to right now~



Edited by An (04/24/10 10:46 PM)
Edit Reason: Time & learning

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#63615 - 12/29/04 01:23 AM Re: mental disorders?
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Quote:
the healthiest thing to do for him is keep myself healthy.
This needs to the moto for the F&F's form. If you read over the post of new F&F's you will see a very common thread. Which is just what you said. If you lose yourself in trying to help us deal with our healing, then where does that leave you?

Take care of yourself first and for most!!!!!!!

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#63616 - 12/29/04 01:25 AM Re: mental disorders?
niagara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 10
I'll start off by thanking...REESERSGRL for starting this conversation, there is comfort in knowing other partners understand my confusion.

I am glad that my bf,disclosed,it made his behaviour in the past now understandable.Times we became closer,suddenly he distanced himself. He would prefer root canal over saying " I Love You ", but his actions proof without a doubt he loves me. Never have I received a Birthday or Christmas present...this man is not cheap or without the reasources,otherwise he treats me like a queen. We go out, have great times, enjoy each others company...but there are some MAJOR issues, that I have accepted & figured must have been from his past, most likely childhood.
The "shut outs" previously described by AN, I am all too familiar with. The knowledge of the SA, doesn't make his behaviour more acceptable...now I can identify & group his "stupidity" as not directed at me rather a way for him to vent . Instead of feeling injured to his confusing actions, I "emotionally" distance myself from his present outburst, so I will have the strentgh & desire to continue my friendship with my Best Friend.
Regards, Niagara


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#63617 - 12/29/04 01:39 AM Re: mental disorders?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
An,

Welcome to MS.

Feel free to start a thread of your own if there's not one that asks the questions that are on your mind, also you can read back quite a long way and also search the forums if you're looking for a specific topic. (the "search" function is on top, by the link to your profile)

Personally I think it would be better just to give your boyfriend a link to the site and allow him to make his own decisions about it than to buy him a membership before he's even seen what it's all about. There's nothing to keep you from joining yourself, though, and if you stick to the Members' F&F forum, your posts will be private, that might make him feel more comfortable about making his own posts here.

SAR


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#63618 - 12/29/04 01:56 AM Re: mental disorders?
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
SAR-
thanks for the response- I agree- didn't realize too that there was separate access membership wise(for F& F separate from the other areas) but I think that is wonderful. I was even a little hesitant to post his situation here, always don't want to be violating his confidentiality and that's been a problem issue within myself because of my own needs for support- wish again is why i'm so glad I came across this site.
i did do a search on several things earlier but still didn't find some of the specifics I was looking for- maybe will when i become a member. I can't think of anything more worth it. Just waiting for the new tax year...


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