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#63592 - 08/15/06 05:55 AM getting him therapy
wildhorse Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/15/06
Posts: 1
Loc: Tx
Hi guys,
I was finally able to sign my husband up with malesurvivor mainly so I could 'borrow' his logon and write but also to try to get him to talk with others who experienced similar traumas. (The wildhorse name was more of my idea since I dont think he would have appreciated the name 'shycolt' for his logon ID). He was the victim of severe CSA going on for several years by his father while his mother did nothing about it. He doesn't hang around many people because for the most part he doesn't trust anyone (especially other males). I try to get him to become comfortable and socialize with other people by being with him when we do things with my friends and their families but all it takes is for something (and I never know what it is) that spooks him and he goes into his shell. He also has the need for me to dominate him sexually (in the form of control, humiliation and spanking) in order for him to function sexually. Is this something seen in men with CSA issues. I try to get him to go to a therapist but he says that therapy is for "girls". I know he needs to go because in addition to the above mentioned things, I have seen him on many occasions go to the barn to be with his horses just to go into the stall, bury his face into his horse's body and cry. He didn't know I was watching him.
What would be the best way to get him to see someone without spooking him, pushing him away or pissing him off. I know that the seriousness of CSA can really screw up a person and don't want him to waste the rest of his life poisoned by his past. p.s how common are the things mentioned above in CSA survivors.
-Sandra


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#63593 - 08/15/06 06:48 AM Re: getting him therapy
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hi Sandra,

About the best you can do for him it to let him know that he has your unconditional love, respect, and support. You can educate yourself concerning CSA and it's affects on boys and the men they become (there is a link in the menu at the top of the page that has suggested reading material).

Unfortunately, the decisions that need to be made regarding therapy, etc. are his and his alone. No matter how much you know what he needs, you cannot make him do it, but I think you already know that. You cannot push or he'll either push back or withdraw even further.

There is an awful lot of healing power in the love of a good woman. Never underestimate that power you have. Love and understanding will go a long ways in bringing him to the place where he is ready to take the next step. I am living proof of that in my own life. Had it not been for the support of my own wife, I may never have taken the necessary steps.

Hope I've been able to be of some help. Others will be along over the next few hours and days to add more, so hang in there.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#63594 - 08/15/06 10:35 AM Re: getting him therapy
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Hi Sandra,

I can understand him not wanting to go to therapy or anything do anything else that would be considered "girlish". CSA has made me question my gender since I was molested by a man. During the abuse, I played the feminent role. After being used like a girl, a big part of me wanted to repress anything feminent about me and I was always struggling to prove I was a man. I have a better understanding of things now but I am still having problems with this issue.

You have probably read about guys "acting out" their abuse where they try to repeat the abuse in a situation where they have more control. This accounts for a lot of sexual behavior that may seem unusual.

Perhaps you could get him to see that many other men have gone to therapy. There was an article on Dateline NBC about some NFL football player who admitted publically about being abused. That might help him see that it is not unmanly or uncommon. This is only a suggestion and you decide if it would help or not since you know your husband. As John already stated though, don't try to push your husband into anything.

I'm sorry that you have to be on this site but it is awesome that you are trying to understand what he is going through.

Sunny


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#63595 - 08/15/06 01:32 PM Re: getting him therapy
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sandra,

I can't speak for domination, but all the other issues you talk about are very common in cases of sexual abuse. Trust is especially difficult. After all, as a boy what did abuse teach him about the idea of trusting people? That's a tough one to crack.

He probably considers therapy to be "for girls" because he regards it as a sign of weakness to enter therapy. But you can tell him the opposite is the case. It takes real strength to admit that we need help and then to ask for that help.

Another problem with therapy may be one that he doesn't want to admit: fear. He may have all sorts of anxieties about what therapy will involve and he may dread that therapy will tell him things about himself that he doesn't want to know. Those are common fears, but all false. A good T will spend a lot of time helping the survivor to feel safe and gaining his trust; he/she won't just launch in with a lot of intrusive and embarassing questions. And while therapy can be very emotional, all we are doing is discovering the truth. The therapist's job is to get us through that with the least possible new pain and trauma. Overall it's a very positive experience.

It would be great if your husband would participate in the site. I think he would gain a lot. But like everything else that has to be his decision.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#63596 - 08/16/06 10:22 AM Re: getting him therapy
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi Sandra,

I don't have time to address all the concerns in your post but wanted to let you know that you and your husband can have separate profiles here.

You don't need to borrow his login; it's fine for family and friends to register on their own. We just ask that F&F respect that certain areas of the site are restricted to posts by male survivors only. Please take a look at the post about guidelines at the top of this forum, and PM me if you have any questions.


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#63597 - 08/16/06 10:45 AM Re: getting him therapy
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sandra,

Adding to what SAR is saying, if you both become members then on the Members' side there are restricted forums for "Male Survivors" and "Family & Friends". That is, I as a male survivor can't come into F&F to read or post, and you can't get into MS.

I don't think you and your husband should hesitate to go this way if it will help you. It's not a matter of not trusting each other. It's just that there's so much emotional baggage to all this that it's difficult to say how we really feel when we know that our partner might see it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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