Hi all (This is Soccer by the way, I dont know why my name has changed) - my BF's complaint against his SA perp is in full swing now (professional complaint with the teachers' board of our province). I agreed to provide some testimony towards the investigation, and ever since, I've been really physically ill (intestinal distress, diarrhea, etc). I opened up the letter this morning containing a tran>

Soccer,

I had an employee that embezzled a bunch of money from my company earlier this year. He was arrested and his trial started yesterday. The police detecives and the DA tell me they dont understand why this guy did not plead it out,, why he is insisting on a jury trial,, cus the evidence against him is overwhelming. In light of all that....

How come i have had an upset stomach for almost two weeks cus i will have to testify?

How come when the DA called me yesterday just to touch bases with me and to let me know i will be testifying lateer this week or early next that i threw up right after i got off the phone?

How come i have diarreah this week and feel like some impending bomb is hanging over my head?

How come i am not outraged at this guy and chomping at the bit to get up there and tell everyone what a theif he is?

and all this, for a guy who is clearly guilty,, and something so black and white as stealing money,,

I dont know about you, but i am very sensative and this stuff just makes me a wreck, i can only imagine how bad i would be if i had to testify at a trial around sex abuse.

I was trying to explain my upsetness to my 14 y/o daughter,, i told her that as a survivor i have a distrust of authority figures,, and when i have to walk into a room where there is at least one guy with a loaded gun there and someone else that has the power to take me away and lock me up even though i did not do anything,, well, i get scared and upset.

Soccer, i can understand you being upset,, your a survivor like me.

John

Hi Soccer, nice to see you back again.

Fear can send us crazy, although I'm not that badly affected - the way we drive in off road competitions we kinda get used to fear ! (well, some kinds of fear )

But my wife has been bad all week, just with the anxiety of filling in a Police witness form after her car was hit by a school bus in a hit & run incident.
There were no injuries and the damage was slight, and it wasn't her fault - she was parked.

But this form from the Police has had her in a spin, I guess we all have different levels of dealing with stress before the bad effects kick in.

Short term help ? well I find 5 minutes of sitting with my eyes closed and breathing deeply helps to clear my mind some.
Maybe not for everyone, but it helps me.

Be sure to let us know how you get on Soc'

Take care
LLoydy

Thanks.. I guess part of what I know is bothering me is second guessing if what I said was good.. or if I have provided any information that may not help my BF's case.. or even cause it to be detrimental.

I am also a bit skeptical about the investigator -I already know that she already asked one of the most BONEHEADED questions to ask a SA survivor "how come it took you so long to do something about it".. sheez. I know that comment really threw my BF for a loop. Surely in this enlightened age we should ALL be aware that sometimes it takes a LONG time to get through the anger, fear and self recrimination in order to do something.

I am also worried about the informaiton that I provided regarding the "effects this has had on his life" - I indicated that since the abuse, my BF has had issues with alcoholism and drug use (heavy at times) as well as anger issues (when I knew him as a kid before all the abuse he had no propensity for anger, I never saw him get mad for the entire time we were best childhood friends) and I just am worried that they'll label him an unreliable alcoholic/pot head instead of recognizing that the results of a troubled and hurt young man.

Maybe I've watched too many courtroom dramas.. but surely in today's age there are some pretty standard behaviours that are often seen as the result of sexual abuse. Hopefully his behaviour will be recognized as such and that the organization investigating the teacher will be well advanced of the "blame the victim" mentality.

Whether or not the teacher will be nailed for the SA, I do feel confident that he will be nailed for a lesser count than sexual abuse - it was a well known fact at my bf's high school that this teacher invited underage students to his house and supplied them with alcohol. Hopefully he'll be nailed and lose his licence to teach on that informaiton alone (I would call that endangering a child, conduct unbecoming a professional, etc., wouldn't you?) Hopefully that charge alone could result in him losing his teaching licence.

I guess.. I just am not sure what this teacher is going to do if/when he gets served with information about this investigation. I am quite worried that he may try to go after or sue my BF.. he has done quite well for himself this teacher, he's now a principal of a Catholic High School (I can't believe he's gotten that far - BARF!! And that nobody has tried to investigate him before now!!) and I'm sure he's got a lot invested in his profession.

Again...thanks for all the support and advice - keep my BF in your prayers. Please God let this all work out!!!!!

Soccer
And we are given the "impression" that all our police and investigators are trained and at least aware of the problems they have to deal with !!
But I suppose some slip through, not enough funding blah blah.

That's a shedfull of doubts to have to deal with, and I don't suppose there's much I can say to make them go away.
But you shouldn't worry about telling the truth one bit, so what if he has a history of using drink and drugs - he's not on trial.

Most people who get to pass judgement are there because they are respected for their fairness and judgement.

And the best judges of all are the public, if this teacher gets his name in the papers then his days are numbered.

What you are both doing is so brave, and whatever the outcome you will always have the satisfaction of standing up for yourselves and what is right.

Lloydy

Hi Soccer, John and Soccer's BF

I agree, you are courageous. Fortunately, our courts are not like Judge Judy.

You simply say what the reality is as you know it. It one of the attorneys bugs you you just just one word answers and trust that the prosecutor will object if they qare badgering you.

You do not have to worry about what happens to the perp. It sounds like in your case Soccer, that there are others who have or will come forward.

John, you have great loyalty to your company--I hope they understand thqat and appreciate it.

You are in my prayers.

Peace to you all.

Bob

So the investigation is now in full swing.. and many of my bf's witnesses have now provided testimony..

Since providing my information my health has taken a real hit... I now I have a bad cold.. amazing how one's sytem gets weakened after such an emotional experience. I guess I never realized how stressful this was until now.

Any case.. as of today i think today I'm finally on the mend (from the cold - my digestive system isn't so well - oh well I'm about 20 lbs too heavy so I'm not worried). There's a bit of a lull in the investigation - won't hear anything until January when the teachers board reviews the testimony/evidence and decides whether or not to go forward with a full investigation. I would imagine that that part will be very stressful as that is the time when the perp will be notified as to the investigation. At the current time, the perp does not yet know of the preliminary investigation that is going on.

It's just so amazing that my bf doesn't seem to really be capable of understanding/processing/feeling the stress that goes along with this - he has been really hard to get along with lately but he has not really been able to see the link between the investigation and his moods. I know when he's stressed.. but he doesnt' seem to realize it. weird. Could this be another example of dissasociation?

Thanks for letting me write here.. no doubt there's lots of people who fully understand how my bf and I feel these days.

- soccer

Hi Soc'
that's some stress you both have there, but it's rolling now and the end will come. It might not seem that way right now.

I would agree that, yes, your feller is dissasosiating somewhat.
But don't worry about that too much, we've had plenty of practice - most of us are experts. It's what's carried us this far, without it so many of would have crashed and burnt.
Keep an eye on him though, hug him and love him, show him you're in control even if you are feeling flakey.

And keep yourself safe, talk to your family and friends, talk to us. Don't bottle your troubles up.

It's tough, but they call us SURVIVORS.

Lloydy

Hi SOC,

Giving evidence for any matter is extremely stressful.

My advice is that when the time comes and you are actually giving the evidence try and detach from the severity of the situation.

Give your evidence as if you were reporting a car accident you witnessed which has had no affect on you. "I was standing on the corner, the car turned the corner going extremely fast and ended up on the wrong side of the road". That type of thing, short answers but factual with as much as possible little emotion.

It may help not to look at your boyfriend whilst giving your evidence as this will surely stir much emotion in you and can perhaps make you loose your focus on remaning calm. Often directing your answers to the Judge (I am assuming a Judge will be proceeding this matter) helps and in fact he/she is the person who the answers are being noted by.

I am not familiar with your systems in the US but if they are like here, you will find that those in positions of power in these situations are extremely understanding to a witnesses fears.

If you do not understand a question or if the question is simply not clear to you ask for it to be repeated. Do not feel pressured to answer anything until you have been given adequate time to think about what you want to say.

If a statement is repeated back to you and it is not the way in which you intended it simply say so.

If you have provided written evidence up until this point you should be able to have that evidence with you and refer back to it.

Above all remember that those who may be asking you questions are simply human beings. They are not God almighty and you are on equal ground with them.

Try to get lots of sleep for the days leading up to the final date and eat small but frequent meals. Make sure you eat something on the morning this is all to take place.

Tell the truth, be strong in your convictions and knowldge and you will be fine.

Sprinkles angel dust on you both.

lizzie

Soccer:

Not much to add to all the good advice & insight you're already receiving here. Just affirming that you're physical pains during this stress are very understandable & not to be hard on yourself. You are brave & doing the best you can. Your BF probably is dissociating in order to cope. He is fortunate to have you there for him. Take care.

Wuame