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#63548 - 11/01/02 08:08 AM Other male multis?
Cris Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/24/02
Posts: 14
My husband is an SA survivor and a multiple. When he has gone to therapy, it has been to deal with current life situations and ptsd. He is quite comfortable living as a multi.

Living with a multiple has a number of challenges and rewards. I have met many female multi's online and have met several in person.

I'm just wondering if there are more like my husband out there. Also, any SO's of male multiples out there?

Cris


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#63549 - 11/01/02 09:39 PM Re: Other male multis?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Cris
Can you enlighten us a bit about the problem of being "Multi" It's not something that's come up here before ( I think ) and I know I'm not sure what the problem actually is.

thanks
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63550 - 11/02/02 07:34 AM Re: Other male multis?
Cris Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/24/02
Posts: 14
Well, I don't consider it a 'problem' \:o )

Officially it is known as Dissociative Personality Disorder (DID), formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This form of extreme dissocation begins as a form of self-protection in children who are abused repeatedly at an early age (beginning before age 7). As the person gets older this defense mechanism remains a part of the persons identity (or identies).

Multiplicity can manifest itself as a dysfunction if the multiple is loosing large periods of time, has little or no internal communication, has little or no internal cooperations, is misdiagnosed, etc. My husband went through a period of extreme dysfunction starting when he began to discover he was DID up to about the time he/they began to effectively communicate, cooperate and work together. This took over two years. MJ ended being a stay at home dad for our first child during that time.

Some multiples have integration as their goal. Others (including MJ) do not. In my personal opinion, it doesn't really matter, as long as they can live and function well in the outside world.

I didn't intend to come here to lecture anyone, so please forgive me if this sounds patronizing or grandstanding. The only other male multiple I met online recently OD'd. The survivor sites I have frequented are predominantly female and haven't addressed some of the issues I have seen come up here.

I can identify with (well not me, I recognize in my husband) the issues of pornography and of masturbation. I was just hoping that here I might learn to understand my husband just a bit better.

Cris


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#63551 - 11/02/02 07:38 AM Re: Other male multis?
Cris Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/24/02
Posts: 14
Um, that was supposed to be a smiley face up there.


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#63552 - 11/02/02 09:09 PM Re: Other male multis?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Cris...

Multi's - now I'm with you, and to call it a problem was me stumped for the right word to describe it. But based on my experience with dissasociation it was for me !

My own experience of dissasociation was never diagnosed as DID by my therapist. And he's very good and would certainly have been aware of it if it was present.

For me, at it's worst, it was I suppose a splitting away from "normality" for quite long periods of time, completely within myself though. To those around me I appeared normal.
But my diss' and the fantasies involved took me away from everything totally for hours at a time, day after day.
Nothing else held any importance and I learned to do my job, talk to my wife and all the other stuff on auto-pilot around my escape mechanism.

Inevitably it was tied up with gay porn and masturbation whenever I could, many times a day. Eventually acting out became the only thing to give me the kicks I desired.

Looking back at my actions, and thinking over those years I have often described what went on as "not me, I didn't do those things"
Physically of course it was, but it wasn't "me" in control.

To some people this can easily sound like a cop out, but I, and the people who listen to me and care believe it. Some, like my wife and my best friend can now recognise what was happening.

What I went through was bad enough, it crept up from the time my abuse ended at 15yo and has only become manageable in the last year or so - 34 years later.
The struggle to overcome it has been enormous, it still happens sometimes - it kicks in and most times I can stop it fairly rapidly. But now, even if I can't stop it it hardly works. The old fantasies and escapes don't have the same effect anymore. Trying to masturbate or have sex with them is a failure.

The harder part now is finding out what replaces them, I'm loathed to try "normal porn" as i fear that wont work either, and it's only a couple of clicks to the stuff I know used to work.
What I'm striving for is enjoying making love to my wife, who's a very sexual woman with virtually no inhibitions, and enjoying it for what it is - good sex between two people who love each other.

But the old ways are hard to shift, I relied on them for over 30 years, and it's probably too much to expect to shift them in just 3 or 4.

From what you describe about your partner I get the feeling his diss' is deeper and more ingrained, but it is possible to shift it slowly.
And worth every bit of the effort involved.

Living your life as another version of yourself is a bum deal, and whatever it takes for me to escape "his" clutches is ok with me.

Lloydy

\:\) \:\) \:\) those smiley faces ??

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63553 - 11/04/02 12:49 PM Re: Other male multis?
Cris Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/24/02
Posts: 14
Hi again.

You said:

"From what you describe about your partner I get the feeling his diss' is deeper and more ingrained, but it is possible to shift it slowly.
And worth every bit of the effort involved."

In your case, it may have been worth it to work on minimizing or eliminating dissociation. In MJ et. al's case, it isn't worth it. It isn't a matter of dissociation being ingrained or deep, it is that the dissociation that began in early childhood has evolved and rounded out into several distinct and relatively independent personalities. Each of them adheres to the 'I think therefore I am' philosophy and none wish to cease to exist. Therefore, in order to be functional, they communicate, cooperate and present a unified front to the outside world. None of them is a fantasy or a creation. They are all real and I live with them and interact with them and respect them all.

"Living your life as another version of yourself is a bum deal, and whatever it takes for me to escape "his" clutches is ok with me."

None of them consider themselves as versions of another. Imagine this analogy: take a pizza and slice it. None of the slices is the whole pizza. They are each a part of the whole, so there is none more important to the pizza than the other. Only together can they form the whole. Some multiples have it as their goal to merge and form a full uncut pizza. Others work together in unity and cooperation, but remain separate slices.

Are there any other male multiples here? I am gathering from the lack of feedback that there are not. Or is it that the male members of the site do not read the family and friends sections? Would it be advisable to post my question on the survivor board?

Like I mention, some of the issues MJ et.al deal with sound familiar to what I've seen discussed here. I just wanted to have the opportunity to understand how other multiples deal with these, and other, issues.

If you would like to learn more about DID/MPD, I recommend you visit mosaicminds.org. It is an excellent site with a wonderful community of survivors.

Cris


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#63554 - 11/04/02 04:18 PM Re: Other male multis?
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
my youngest brother has DID. out of my entire family, he's the only one, which i think is odd considering he was abused along with the rest of us. i'd read before that DID can only occur if the victim is by himself, but apparently that's not the case. i was also told before that i had DID, but that was later proven wrong. i have a less severe personality disorder. heavy mood swings that could be mistaken for DID.

it's been very difficult dealing with my brother because not all his alters want to integrate. a few have, over the past two years, and currently he's no longer in therapy, his decision.

i did a bit of research on DID when i was previously misinformed about my own condition. it helped a bit in understanding my brother.

he doesn't seem to shift immediately as far as his alters taking over. usually it takes a few minutes for one to swap. sometimes it does happen quickly, but usually when he's startled or frightened, or enraged.

you might want to post in the male forum, maybe just something to ask them to check out your post here.

jake


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#63555 - 11/04/02 05:45 PM Re: Other male multis?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Cris, and Jake.
Thanks for the explanations, and I hope you get more help and support for this condition.

Cris, feel free to repost on the Survivors forum, you may get a better response there.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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