Hey Avatar!

Thanks for being brave enough to open up to us here at F&F!

I've seem this kind of sad defeat far too often with my own Friend - it's not that he's into "controlling" every single thing, but he does have a tremendously huge streak of perfectionism in him & the thought of screwing up ANYTHING (no matter how insignificant) is just impossible for him to bear. He tends to concentrate solely on his work - because this is the place where he feels he can really shine.

He is certainly his very own worst critic - I think it's because he has internalized so much of the stern judgmentalism he grew up with. He will very rarely take emotional risks of any kind & if he does - he will always disguise them with a nonchalance that would make it appear that the situation at hand couldn't be less important to him....

Yeah, as we say at MS: you are not alone!

I think this dynamic is even that much more difficult to change because trauma itself creates a driven-ness in people. Also - many of us find it almost impossible to plan or prioritize because of our hyper-vigilence.

But as healing proceeds, we slowly learn how to counteract our own negativity & our fears. The first step is to recognize exactly what you have noticed about yourself - to define it, to name it is the beginning of the triumph over it.

This sounds like me, each time I brush my teeth I am tense that I wil damage my gums and I do many a times. and then I worry I have not cleaned them enough, so I brush and brush till I see blood.
I program myself for failure. As my parents and my class six teacher said, you are such duffer.

Very true very true

There is a woman Louise Hay who believes in changing negative thought patterns to better our lives. I got her books and it's been life changing for me.

I find it amazing that we spend our childhood/teen years learning, struggling, etc and then when we become adults it's like we have to unlearn many things from our childhood. Geez how confusing that is huh?

Enchantedlady, in some ways, I feel like I have learned more in the last two years than in the 19 years before them put together, because that was when I started dealing with my issues.

Hey guys..

There's a workbook called "Mind Over Mood" by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky that gets ya thinking. The goal is to change how you feel by changing the way you think. It has a lot of good stuff in it. It came recommended by a therapist.

Avatar, that concept you describe sounds familiar. I usually put it this way..."if I don't really try, then I can't really fail, because I didn't put myself into it in the first place." It's just too hard to really jump into something and not succeed. Oh, and of course whatever it is, if it's not perfect it's never going to be "good enough". In my head somewhere, I know that isn't really the way it is, but something inside me just wants to be not only "good enough" sometimes, but maybe even "best"??? Then I feel like an idiot for even wishing that!

I made a little "parable" awhile back. If someone needs to make a phone call, and they have a pocket full of quarters, ANY quarter will do. It would be nice to be the only quarter in a pocket of other change sometimes, or at least the shiny one that goes in the "collector" thingy! I said that, and was told that I already AM that quarter. The sad thing is, when we worry so much that we aren't "good enough" or are "less" in any way, we are missing the fact that there ARE places where we ARE just what we ache to be...exactly where we ache for it.

I have been away from the situation that taught me I was never good enough for almost 30 years. I wish that was all there was to it. If that's what the "programming" is, then I think I have to actively do something to deprogram it. The book I mentioned is a good start. It teaches "how" to think differently on purpose. Obviously I'm not quite there yet!!!

Hugs
Lynn