Newest Members
PaulnMA, andrewmartin, Aurigny, Luther, LuckyCharm
12252 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Beyond Abuse (51), dona (55), JoMiFa (35), norbrill1 (62), RubyRoberts (62)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 53 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12252 Members
73 Forums
63111 Topics
441344 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#63460 - 10/06/02 05:46 PM i guess its over....
sarahsmilezz Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/27/02
Posts: 4
Loc: Arkansas
First of all, I would like to thank everyone who responded to my posts. It was much appreciated.

I havent talked to my friend/companion in a week. Ever since he told me of his abuse, it has been down hill from there. He talked to me the first couple days. Then he hasnt talked to me since. Its actually been a week today. I really dont know how to feel. In a way, I feel kind of numb. But also its an open wound that I am trying to deal with. I am really starting to believe that everything we had and have been building in the past three years is a lie. I am not saying its a waste, cause its not. It taught me lessons too. But everything he ever told me and made me believe, I feel like is a lie. Everything he always said he wasnt, and wouldnt do is a lie. He has proven to me this past week, that he can just turn me off, and walk away. Like its nothing to him. I guess I just have to keep working on things within me.

Any advice someone would like to give will be greatly appreciated. I need it right now.

I will be fine. One thing that I know to be a fact, is..........LIFE GOES ON...and ITS ONLY GOING TO MAKE ME STRONG.

with love and respect for all of you...


Top
#63461 - 10/07/02 10:21 AM Re: i guess its over....
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Dear Sarahsmilezz,

Hello! I know this scenario very well. To this day I do not know exactly what it means. But that is the nature of this beast - you have to accept that what most of the world considers "normal", is not in SA survivor world, especially at first. It is almost like you have to learn a whole new language just to get by day to day. Most of the time your past experiences with relationships will not apply, unless it was with another SA survivor.

I have learned though, that often the silences are brought about by confusion, shame, guilt, etc. They do not necessarily mean the end, just a long break to regroup. It took me a while to understand that I am watching is a grown man trying to grow up a major part of him that was hidden/protected for a long time.

I have seen the shock of trying to face the shock of the past without giving in to the urge to run away and hide in the old patterns and behaviors. Most of the time they no longer work, but they are easy and comfortable (practice makes perfect, after all). It takes a while to develop new habits. It is hard when you have to deal with confusion, shame, guilt, insecurity, etc. Sometimes that (running away)too still happens.

I hope you stick by him at least a while longer. He may have created a fantasy in the past to cope with SA. So, if he lied to you, he probably had lied to himself first and then passed it on to you. Now, it may all be crumbling around him. It must be scary for him.

He may think that you deserve better than him and he is doing you a favor by staying away. And since it sounds like he cares about you, it must be shameful to think that he has disappointed you.

In the meantime, TAKE CARE OF YOUSSELF.

I hope this helps. If you would like to "chat" more, please email me at BestOnly2005@yahoo.com.

Hang in there. If you have seen great things in him over the past few years, they are still there. There are usually wonderfull people underneath all that mess. They are worth sticking by and fighting for.

I believe that they have been disappointed too often and abandoned in the past, the least we can do is not add to that burden and let them know that we are in their corner.

Best wishes, Lodzia.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

Top
#63462 - 10/07/02 01:03 PM Re: i guess its over....
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sarah & Freedom

I read this and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Quote:
I have learned though, that often the silences are brought about by confusion, shame, guilt, etc. They do not necessarily mean the end, just a long break to regroup. It took me a while to understand that I am watching is a grown man trying to grow up a major part of him that was hidden/protected for a long time.

I have seen the shock of trying to face the shock of the past without giving in to the urge to run away and hide in the old patterns and behaviors. Most of the time they no longer work, but they are easy and comfortable (practice makes perfect, after all). It takes a while to develop new habits. It is hard when you have to deal with confusion, shame, guilt, insecurity, etc. Sometimes that (running away)too still happens.
What more could I say, other than it takes so much time to get beyond this, and even then it's still there. All we learn to do is deal with it, it never goes away.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#63463 - 10/09/02 04:14 PM Re: i guess its over....
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Lloydy,

When you say:

Quote:
I read this and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
What do you mean? The reason I am asking is because I have learned to be careful not to assume that the words I hear/see mean what I might think they do. I have learned that in the SA world there are meanings and shades thereof that may not correspond to the mainstream understanding. So I have learned to ask.

Hope you do not mind.

Thanks, Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

Top
#63464 - 10/09/02 08:37 PM Re: i guess its over....
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Freedom
I don't mind at all, when I read that quote in your post it was the best de>
_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#63465 - 10/10/02 07:20 AM Re: i guess its over....
sarahsmilezz Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/27/02
Posts: 4
Loc: Arkansas
Well I guess its not over. He is talking to me again. I guess he just needed his space and time to marinate on things. That is the process I am learning. I am trying to learn to give him and other people thier space. And whether I think about it at the time, I do the same thing. I take time to myself to think and marinate on things. But then I get upset when someone does that to me. I learned that sometimes you have to mentally take yourself out of the situation, and look at it from the outside in. Or take yourself and put yourself in the other persons shoes. I know that is hard to do when you are hurt and upset. But if you do that you get a better perspective on the situation.

And another lesson I learned is to not jump to conclusions. Its hard not to do especially for me. All my life I have had negativity. And so I was molded into always thinking negative about everything and every situation. It was like kinda preparing myself for the bad that in my head I thought was going to come. And I know still today I do that. But I am trying real hard to do away with the negative, and think positive about everything even if its hard to do. And it is, since I have been like this for 26 years. But I can do it.

Thank you Freedom and Lloydy for responding. And giving me your input on things. I deeply appreciate it. I truly enjoy this website, and everyone who posts on it. I find this place peaceful, positive, and a blessing to me. And I need that.

So Thank You. \:\)


Top
#63466 - 10/10/02 10:29 AM Re: i guess its over....
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sarah
that's great to hear, I'm sure he's going to make progress with your support.

Thanks
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#63467 - 10/10/02 11:27 AM Re: i guess its over....
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Sarah - That is great! I am glad you decided to hang in there.

Lloydy - Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. You are a terrific man.

Have a great weekend all, Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.