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#63436 - 12/18/04 02:01 AM I;ve lost my mind or has he?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi Guize,
I've started this post about 10 times and I still cant seem to get it to come out straight. Time lines are a mess for me, for many reasons. But mostly because since my last post Hubby has pulled what seem to be regular Meteor drops on me it seems as if they are half planned to keep me unstable and the other half seems just to be mean clear down from his bones.
It started off some weeks ago with him planning to go on a Trip he had earned from his employment for making Sr. Master Tech -- he was so excited about taking me on this "cruise". But as time has gone by either my grey matter has fractured or his has -- probably both.
I found out about a week or so before the trip was to happen from my youngest daughter (the one who caught him in bed with her 20 something friend the one that was part of his actions making him a registered sex offender) my daughter told me that he had asked a far too young lady to go on this trip with me. Of course at first I was crushed beyond belief, and then through the course of converstions he let out that not only had he asked her to go, but 3 other females to go with him also. One being his baby sis, I didn't think the baby sis was a problem at first until I remembered that she shared with me she has no idea who the father of her son is because during a drunken night she had sex with 5 different men, one who is a married father -- being military at the time, she couldnt embarrass herself to take any of them up for child support. Supposedly I am the only one who knows the truth of her story -- so out the window that trust line went.
At the last minute he asks me to to with him, and I graciously declined. God I wanted to go and put my feet in the sand and just spend a week drunker than crap!!
He called me over under the guize that we were going to discuss how this trip would work out for me going (this was before I found out about him asking the other females) I figured he wanted to set up boundaries as to how to keep his butt at one end of the boat and me at the other. I was truly looking forward to trapshooting and deep sea fishing for myself...
Anyway I sat down in the living room and he plops out with telling me he wants me to move back into the house? HUH?? where the heck did that come from? He went on to explain he has realized how dangerous of a place I am living in. (My apt had been broken into and I had been threatened locks are a joke). I was just stunned and could not speak, he asked if I was ok. I told him I was curious as to what prompted that question. He responded with some blah blah about how the police did not respond to my apt. break in and he "worried" about me and now realized what a dangerous place I lived in. I think I may have made a remark about what an odd question when he knew I worked CI and that the neighborhood he lived in was just as bad as the apt bldg -- and crack heads scared me less than any monster ever could, but at least they are predictable in behavior.
I told him that I thought I was there to discuss the "rules" of how to keep from being with each other on this trip. I also let out or he admitted that he had asked someone else to go -- oh I think he said he was waiting to find out if his baby sis could get the time off. I know when I left I was calm as ever and just told him I would not move back into the house unless it was to be man and wife (he wanted me to live in our other daughters room, basically be house maid, relieve his guilt) -- I told him during some other conversation in which I was not being nice that any woman who came thru the door would find out about his sexual habits etc and that then I would make sure that no other female EVER saw his dick... (yea i was being really mean)
He came to me or called a day or so before this big cruise and asked if I wanted to go as he could not find anyone else to go with him. I graciously said no thanks as I had a multitude of doc appts planned and lots of testing. He wanted to know what for, and I told him it was just routine stuff (lied through what few teeth i have left i have been having serious ticker probs & beginning stage kidney failure etc now). He accepted the answer and we said good bye.
About a week goes by and the time he should have been spent packing he showed up at my apt. To ask me yet again did I want to go on this trip with him. He had disclosed that the other females did not get to go as they couldnt get the time off work. I asked him WHY it was so important to take someone with him -- his response is that he felt I had "earned" the trip with him , I quickly turned the chess table and as calmly as possible said to him -- no no, you earned this on your OWN, your the one who put the hours and work into this studying and passing these tests etc. Go and celebrate for yourself(the whole time wanting to smack the ever living shit out of him for finally "getting it" about WHY and HOW he could be so successful in his careers) -- I think he did mentionn something about being scared to be alone, and at that point I reassured him he would meet many fine folks and have a blast -- he said his plan was to immediately grab a drink and stay drunk thru the whole trip.
He returned a week or so later, and my youngest called who was going to pick him up from the air port asked me if I could -- again I lied and told her I didnt feel well enough myself to do so -- she ended up going to get him. I did invite them to stop by for coffee afterwards if they wanted.
Hubby showed up later by himself carrying/ bearing gifts the company had given away to the women. BUT, he had purchased a beautiful amythyst ring for me -- 9 carats and it is just spectactular!
Anyway he told me of the fun he had, was glad he had chosen not to go during the time his own dlrship grp had gone as then no one knew his history or what was happening between the two of us, he was surrounded by couples , the explained my not being there as my heart problems and I got sick at last moment -- and nothing was brought up again.
UNTIL he returned to his dlrship and the first thing his co workers asked him was "Did you get laid?" -- he said it disgusted him and he told them he had not gone there for that purpose and they were fuck heads -- now i found irony in his statement that he was willing to take a young girl not much older than his daughters --- but to bite back at those guys with that statement was odd.
He sat me down, said he had done a ton of thinking about me, and was like going home sitting on the boat, smelling the air and watching the sun rise (he's ex navy) -- I asked what sort of things he thought about the two of us, and he went on to say he thought much of me and how my role in our marriage etc.. and how good of a wife I have been. He said it was wonderful not having anyone yakking in his ear telling him what a bitch I am, or having been hassled every day with some smart ass sexual comment etc.... He said he felt he had broken his sobriety some because so many females were in bathing suits (big deal who wouldnt look?) So that conversation led to some sort of a making or acceptance that I am and have not always been the evil bitch he's been thinking I have been for some time now.
I didnt play him, and I gave no response only that I was glad that he had gone and got to relax that he actually LOOKED refreshed.
Then he went on to want to know what the docs had to say... and I just acted as if I didnt really hear him, told him I wasnt sure as test results weren't back yet. But if they weren't excited about it it wasnt a big deal.
He procededed that during his "thinking" and time apart he decided that he had not given the one marriage counseling session a "fair chance" and that he would like to do marriage counseling, I asked how many is "fair"? He responded rather quickly with 20 -- I asked why 20, that seemed like a lot coming from him. He said "One session for every year we've been married" -- I told him if he wanted to set up the appointments I would go. In my mind I just kept thinking tho, about how dead I felt and feel inside and none of this was impressing upon me in anyway, and I wondered also if it was what "Shock" must feel like. After all, I had just mustered the courage to tell my parents that We had definetly decided to divorce, and my mom finally sent mail addressed to ME at my Apt. address??? LOL!
It has been a couple weeks since that last conversation, and a couple days ago -- again my phone (he never does or says anything to my face rarely) he drops the meteor that he is taking a vacation by himself to go see our daughter in OMAHA....
I calmly asked him what brought that on? Oh he had come across some extra money and decided to go see her, she is working but he had called her and was fine with him coming.
Now here is a guy who each time I have had to lower myself to ask for 20 bucks for meds, or gas or even a little food -- he never has any money -- I've been eating from food pantrys and believe me gang, there isnnt a heart healthy freaking thing they have there especially for a diabetic to boot (ahhh i know i am whining but at least i ate right! RIGHT) Also the same guy who couldnt take time out of his day off from work to take me to and from an outpatient surgery, but picked me up in a new car he had just bought.... aaaaggggh.... but I just complemented him on his choice and how nice of a car he had and how it will save him money rather than drive the big F250 with the snow plow or motorcycle sitting his garage......I didnt make the smart ass retort only that it was a good buy to help save on gas for him. You'd think he was a kid you just gave a piece of candy to??
During one of our conversation face to face he did tell me that he has spoken to several attorneys about getting a divorce. He shared what I already knew -- that because of my disability he would be forced to pay for insurance for me, alimony, provide me a vehicle and coverage. I just sort of nodded and told him that if we divoced ourselves and filed on our own and just filled out the line that all properties have been split with agreeance he would not be forced to pay anything. That I simply would ask for one day when he was not in the house so that I could get what I brought into the marriage (everything except his stereo & albums) I would put my things into storage and give the girls what they could have now before I passed on.
During this conversation, he said to me -- you wouldnt HAVE to do that I would make sure the girls got their belongings, and then the line that really made me lose my temper -- I had held it calm and cool before this; I had mentioned that as we spoke my will & power of attorney was being changed for free through legal aid --he had the balls to say
"I will make sure that your ashes get spread where you want them" -- I never knew a fire could burn so hot in my gut as it did at that moment -- first calmly I said "You dont have any idea WHERE I want my ashes spread anymore, secondly -- YOU are NOT welcome at ANY memorial for me, and just remember over half of those folks will be packing weapons some legal some illegal, you'll be escorted away nicely at first, but NOT so nice the next time"'... with that I got up and just walked out...
I have no fucking idea what game he is playing on me, called me the other day to share that he had earned his "2 Year Chip" for sexual sobriety ...and HOW was I to be happy for that? I just said in my best politcal mary kay voice "Thats really nice for you" -- as I sit here with no food in the fridge and nothing on the shelf, and my car falling to pieces and feel like a sucking fish having to ask him to fix my car, or can I borrow 5 bucks to cover my antibiotics.....
In one conversation he was so snotty and mean when I simply asked how & if he was ok with how is doc appt went (we all see the same GP) he snapped back with "PAT SAID, she is NOT allowed to share MY information with you nor YOURS with me!" ....... Shit all I wanted to know was if he was ok???
**i'm sorry this is so long gang i havent had anywhere to go with any of it for weeks and to top it off been real sick again AND my dad who molested me for so long had a HUGE heart surgery **
I made him promise to keep the girls OUT of our adult problems, like my 1st ex and I did ... he agreed -- then went on to ask what we were doing for christmas together?
I said "I dont think you get it hubby, WE wont be spending holidays together like my first ex & his family do" WE dont really share the girls biologically, -- yes you are their daddy, but your relationhip with them will be on your own with them, just as my own will be separate from yours with them... we WONT be spending birthdays, easter etc together -- once we are divorced it will be as if 18 yrs or so never happened for me.
You're young, you can still remarry as most of your peer age group is doing now, marryiing for the first or 2nd time, you can start a whole new family and have BABIES with your new spouse.
He said he didnt want babies, and I think that was his only response.
Today is Friday, he had told me he was going to see the daughter in Omaha today, I had slipped and asked if I could go along -- his response "I'll think about it" -- it is now 6 30PM and I am sure he is just beginning to finish the extra job he had to do at the last moment.... he may call me to go along, but I will turn him down....I realized I screwed up by asking and invading his time with his kiddo --
I cant help but feel so very sad, angry jealous -- I cant help but want to scream at the top of my lungs THEY ARE MY DAUGHTERS WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THESE YEARS IN RAISING THEM? WHERE WERE YOU TO ENFORCE THE HOMEWORK GETTTING DONE, THE FEEDING THEM BALANCED MEALS, THE TALKING ABOUT SEX, THE BALANCING OF SOCIAL TIME AS A FAMILY??? WHERE WERE YOU ALL THESE YEARS AND NOW ??? NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT MY EFFORTS AND NEVER ENDING UNCONDITIONAL SELF HAS GIVEN?
and then inside i know about a conversation that he came to share with me about how he realized that he was not ever really an "active" role as a parent, and how I sat there and couldnt take advantage of what I had thought so often so many years, and only gave him listings of the good things he had done... AND ALL OF THEM TRUE...
But my heart is breaking, and I am back to thinking those ugly thoughts again, not of him -- but of how I am sucking them dry, how my staying alive and not just dropping dead immediately is not allowing them a chance to grieve and move on with their lives....
And my baby girl, who still calls her mom every do often and once a week at least, and even my oldest baby girl calls me -- Mom, do you want to go to lunch, go shopping, sit and see a movie with my friends and I. And how even their Friends, call me MOM and check on me, and take me to coffee and invite me for advice....
And so I stay --- Morrie writes in his book "Tuesdays with Morie" about how life is filled with "tensions of opposites" and Damn if my whole life hasnt been that --- more importantly he writes "We are here to Love each Other"....
This past month or so after I met a guy while in the crayola wing, I have been singing on open Mic night.... I haven't sung for years -- something I did as a kid for church, school and even Girl Scouts.... he helped me find a piece of me a piece of my little girl who so badly needed to be let out to play --- I had talked with my youngest daughter and said I had kept that part tucked away and it was surprising to find her again.... her response
No Mom, you never kept her away, you have always sang around the house we could always count on you singing something -- and I had only remembered that I used to wake them every morning for school with some made up crazy ass words sung badly to "irritate them" because they would only get out of bed just to make me stop singing.... Today I wish I could live part of my life over again..
I would definetly have been kinder, loved deeper and listened more......
I am trying not to cuss anymore -- its working and its rather fun trying to stretch the vocabulary to fill in for lazy speech --
I have no idea where or what my hubby is going thru, but I cant keep up and mostly because he is not sharing info with me --- its the same as if he is keeping all those secrets again prior to telling me of how badly that bastard the 2nd one violently raped him ---
As if he wants me kept unstable, when I need the stability the most in my life --
I am thinking more and more if he really does give me all of the income tax return I am going to move, someplace not too cold, but not too hot -- for my ticker, afraid of losing my docs but they are a commodity and even their attitudes have been changing, tired of me they appear, and I cant stand to see my own GP cry and she has been doing that more and more since I tried to kill myself -- she almost wouldnt let me leave her office the other day as I was "too calm", but cant hurt myself --- it would hurt the only people I ever tried and put ALL my energy into my whole life, my daughters....

Someone help me straighten out this mess, give me some insight as to what hubby is maybe going thru....
In a song called "Angel from Montgomery" there is a line that goes like this...
Just give me one thing, that I can hold on to..
To believe in this living is just a Hard Way to Go........


Love, Sammy


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#63437 - 12/18/04 02:16 AM Re: I;ve lost my mind or has he?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Sammy I'm happy to hear from you.

Quote:
And my baby girl, who still calls her mom every do often and once a week at least, and even my oldest baby girl calls me -- Mom, do you want to go to lunch, go shopping, sit and see a movie with my friends and I. And how even their Friends, call me MOM and check on me, and take me to coffee and invite me for advice....

I have been singing on open Mic night.... I haven't sung for years -- something I did as a kid for church, school and even Girl Scouts.... he helped me find a piece of me a piece of my little girl who so badly needed to be let out to play --- I had talked with my youngest daughter and said I had kept that part tucked away and it was surprising to find her again.... her response
No Mom, you never kept her away, you have always sang around the house we could always count on you singing something -- and I had only remembered that I used to wake them every morning for school with some made up crazy ass words sung badly to "irritate them" because they would only get out of bed just to make me stop singing
I don't think you're living your life so badly the first time around.

My dad did that ridiculous song early in the morning too and it is a great memory for me. Although I don't quite have the heart or lungs to do it to my own ;\)


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#63438 - 12/18/04 02:34 AM Re: I;ve lost my mind or has he?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Guize,
Isnt it strange I no more than hit the post button and my phone rang -- he just told me he wanted to let me know he was "on his way" to see my oldest Daughter -- didnt even have the cahonas to discuss my question to him If I could go along also? -- Makes me wonder what the heck is up with him and this time he is spending alone with his kiddos?
One other thing I forgot to add in my above dissertation -- Is that when he talked with the attorneys about divorcing, even if we agreed that everything was split between us equally and or we filed and did this on our own the JUDGE could take on the case himself and FORCE him to pay anyway...something I DONT want.
Besides neither of us would win, our house is stuck in a nightmare as the mortgage company ripped off thousands of ppl thru not only illegal lending fees (predatory lending) we have NO IDEA who holds the title on it now -- we would lose it, and he would not have a place to rent as in this community registered sex offenders aree required to live x amount of feet from schools kiddoooes etc... which is a good idea except in doing demographic search, he couldnt live anywhere with in 5 of our cities???
We also found out, that the reason his sex offender info was accessable on the internet, the LAW has been changed so that now ANYONE who has committed ANY sex offense gets posted...
it was sure nice of attnys or the powers that be to inform of us of such a huge change in the law -- and you know even if he did take the idioots at work who placed this info out for harrassment thinnking it was funny there isnt a judge for 60000 miles who woulld take aany type of sympathy upon his situation -- i think they would just tell him "tuff luck buddy you did the crime now you have to pay the price" -- even tho he is probably only one or two of actual law abiding registerred sex ooffennders...
AAAggggh.. I'm nuts and there isnt enough drugs to go arounnd
Love and Peace (pipe LOL), Sammy


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#63439 - 12/18/04 03:12 AM Re: I;ve lost my mind or has he?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Sar, & Guize,
I can alway count on you to make me smile in the mess of my life.
Music is something no one can ever take away from you -- actually I think that is a line in the sshoort Story by Stephen King "Rita Haworth and the Shawshank Redemption -- they shortened tht title for the moviee --
Sar, what is happening to hiimmm?
I wonnder if he is trying to find sonme type of strenngth and practicing it on mme?
I wonnder if he is having aaa mellt downnnn?
I do know what is nnormal and irking me as usual, is that when he asked for the 20 marriage counseling sessions, I had told him I was willing to go, all he had to do was set it up with his T -- sometime last week I either asked or it waas in our conversaton some how -- When oor if he had an appt for me to schedule innto my listiings to see his T -- He told me he hasnt made any attemmmpts at scheduling an appt as he knoows this guy is very busy during the holidays -- I just told him I found that strange as I had a standing appt with my T every monday, and even got calls for cancellation times I could fill?
We both just left it at that --- I didnt want to fight, I just wanted to make a point , gently --- I do know in one conversation with him for now on I was like the dog who"rolls over" -- I was not fighting or leading or arguing anything it was all going to be on his terms and his time....
yesterday I sorta blew it, as I have paper work to fill out so I can get moved to the Iowa side, at least temporarily, and told him to get moving on the divorce.... his response wass "you said you were going to give me all the time I needed" -- I reminded him that his T had suggested a "trial divorce and that I felt 3 years had been trial enough --

Part of me wants to stay married, I even offered if he wanted that we just stay married so I could have his health insurance I would move to onne ennd of town, this was a big enooughhh place that we would never have to see each other agaiinn --- and it seems he may actually want thata but doesnt know how to say it?
I just want to make the best decision for me so that I can survive reasonably comfortable these next few years.... I told him perhaps he could talk to his budget counselor and see if the could find and extra 200 bucks a month sorta like alimony for me to live on -- by the time I pay for my meds I am broke it would give me food, and I dont qualify for food stamps as long as I married to himm (besides in this state of iowaa the most you get for food stamps is 10 bucks a month? who the heck can eat on that?)
My T recommended that I start asking my filthy rich parents to start helping me out. I had asked my mom the other day that wshen hubby and I divoorce if i couldnt afford the 40 bucks a month in rent for storage could they cooverr it for them -- her reply "i dont think we hhave it"... I put together their rretirement packages, thhey are worth over 1.7 MILLION dollars and my GRAM has 2 MILLION just sitting in the bank, when my gramps died they found 45,000.00 in CASH in the house --- I told her never mind I was sure betweeen my girls they could each cover 20 bucks a month.....
as my alcoholic father just had an aortic pump installed, a stent, and a pacemaker -- and my mom and dad BOTH leaned on ME because of me knowing the docs so well for so long at the cardiology office... my younest daugh went to see them for Tday, he was sloshed to the gills --- he takes digoxin, a very strong heart med ... and alcohol mixed with that could kill him -- I geuss I just dont get iit, i have a heart disease that has neverr been seenn in the world anywhere -- follow docs orders etc.... my dad goes in with a less than 20% survival rate from the surgery on a Tuesday and WALKS out of the hospital that following Saturday --- maybe I shoulld have been a drunk all along?
Naww,,, I hate puking ...LOL
Love, Sammy
ps, i never knew i could cry so much over the possiblity of losing my "dad" a man who raped me almost daily and farmed me out litterly to every pedo within 100 miles -- i geuss maybe all that work in Therapy did pay off some, as in acceptance, some forgiveness and finding the good stuff he taught me.....


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#63440 - 12/18/04 04:02 AM Re: I;ve lost my mind or has he?
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
I am always happy to read one of your "dispatches from the trenches," Dear Sam! I think we all end up laughing along with you through our own tears.

But - if the insidious web of illness, poverty, & dependency were to evaporate all of a sudden, how different would be your outlook!

Certainly, I am in no position to give advice, but "my ears picked up" when I read about your T's suggestion that you approach your parents instead of your H. It just seems like his latest moves smack of one of the stages of abuse called "the honeymoon:" these guys will stop at nothing to continue the dynamic. Too much drama, My Love! You've got more than enough to contend with already.

Big Hugs!!!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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