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#63411 - 12/14/04 09:20 PM Understanding effects within relationship problems
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I am posting this link to a website I found, I don't think it contains anything too bad.
I have posted it here, because I find many of you asking the same old question,

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm

let me know if it is of help,

ste

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Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#63412 - 12/14/04 09:49 PM Re: Understanding effects within relationship problems
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thanks for this valuable resourse!

I think it is very important for all of us to recognize that relationships with Survivors (especially when both partners have the same kind of background) are constantly changing. We may not be able to have our needs fulfilled all the time or even a majority of the time. Healthy, healing people become more & more able to take that in stride & fend for themselves when their partner is "unavailable" due to the ups & downs of the recovery process.

However, not all "unhappy" relationships are "abusive." And not all "unhappiness" lasts forever. Hopefully, as we learn to trust & open ourselves, we will react with more tenderness & respect when we see our partner is in pain but unable to expose it to us.

The articles you have posted here make the symptoms of abuse very clear. As Survivors & Partners, we all need to look at our own behavior from time to time & see if we are unconsciously, unintentionally exhibiting behaviors that may REMIND our partners of the abuse they have endured. This is especially important when we ourselves are reacting to the same kinds of behaviors from our partners that we are trying to avoid.

Remember PAS's "double wobble?"



_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#63413 - 12/17/04 11:08 PM Re: Understanding effects within relationship problems
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
r2k4,

Thanks for posting this link, and thank you for caring about the secondary survivors who come here asking the "same old questions".

Abuse in all its forms is insidious, always trying to pass itself off as something okay, or at least not THAT bad. When we want to believe the best of people, when we want people to love us, sometimes we jump at any chance to make what they are doing "not that bad."

I don't think if I would have characterized my relationship as abusive, ever. Certainly I considered some of it as unacceptable to me, but not because it was abuse, just because it wasn't what I was after. My boyfriend's disclosure gave me a new context for some of what I'd previously thought of as unacceptable, it gave me a deeper understanding that lead to acceptance, not acceptance of the behavior but the ability to accept him and our relationship as a work in progress.

If my relationship had shown some of these signs of abuse, would I have been able to recontextualize all of that after his disclosure? I can't say, I'd like to think that it would have depended on his willingness to change and move away from abusive behavior.

But I also think that I was desperately unhappy for a long time, and something in me accepted THAT and put up with it in a way that I would not today. So I have experienced something both like and unlike what Kolisha describes here:
Quote:
We may not be able to have our needs fulfilled all the time or even a majority of the time. Healthy, healing people become more & more able to take that in stride & fend for themselves when their partner is "unavailable" due to the ups & downs of the recovery process.
While I am better equpped to deal with and understand why my boyfriend did/does, and why it had/has little to do with me, I think I am more honest and expressive about my needs, and less willing to take hurtful actions "in stride," than I used to be. It's not about the intent of the behavior or the cause of the behavior so much as it is about accountability and respect-- I didn't know how to value or ask for those things before, now I can and I do.

Thanks again
Sar


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#63414 - 12/17/04 11:13 PM Re: Understanding effects within relationship problems
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
SAR, you are sooooo right! What I have found interesting is that I am now much better able to distinguish between (let's just say) "imagined" slights bec. *I* am feeling self-esteemless vs. those times when his behavior has to be challenged or rebuked.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#63415 - 12/18/04 06:48 PM Re: Understanding effects within relationship problems
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Here is a link for coping with stress and anxiety, it shows methods on how to relax;-

Maybe one of the mods could put up a links page, just a thought?

http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Mind+guide+to/The+Mind+guide+to+relaxation.htm

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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