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#63390 - 09/21/02 03:07 PM Now what?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Hello,

I have read your posts and they help NAME some of the issues and deal with them. Thank you.

I can relate to some of the issues already. I have experienced anger, lies, deception, hurt, jealousy, etc. from SA friend. It amazes me that I have not given up on him. One of the reasons is that I told him that I would not and I try to be a woman of my word. The other is probably that I have my own life (we live in different states) and friends. That helps balance things out and keeps me grounded in reality. Still, there are tough moments. But the bottom line is, I care about the man, and want to make sure he does not get lost in this madness and confusion hidden in fantasy and many times removed from reality. Besides, if I were in his shoes I would want him to stick by me.

So I pray and do research: I have read so many books that I can now look at the stories. I see him in some of them. I want to make sure that someday, I will be able to listen to his (when he is ready) in hopefully the right way. In the meantime, I decided to keep this relationship at a friendship level (He had mentioned marriage in the past.) until we can communicate in a healthy way. Yes, I know SA does not go away overnight.

I also gave him some of the books I thought might be useful and one of them must have hit home because now he seems to have disappeared behind an invisible wall.

I am not sure where this will lead. I would appreciate your comments.

Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#63391 - 09/21/02 07:41 PM Re: Now what?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Freedom
what you're doing isn't going to be easy, we're a difficult bunch to handle !

But keep your contact with him and dont push him, we like to go at our own pace - however slow and erratic that might be.

what we need is comfort and support for our feelings and emotional roller coaster, being told what to do doesn't seem to work. It wouldn't have with me anyway.

We have developed our individual coping mechanisms to get us through our days, and they work - however crude they may be.
But once they start to fail we need something better, and then we start to work on it.
But we need to think about how to get better ourselves, we need to find our own answers.
The most important thing we get from others, whether therapists or friends and partners, is validation for our new approach, and support as we try it out.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63392 - 09/22/02 11:39 AM Re: Now what?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Lloydy,

Thank you for your reply. It seems like letting things be for a while will be easier than I thought since my job is sending me out of town for 3-4 months. Unfortunately, this has caused another problem (abandonment issue?) and his wall went up again.

His behavior has been pretty erratic but I have gotten pretty good at taking it in stride. Sometimes I think it is one big test to see if I will stick around regardless of what is going on. In the case of this trip, I have no choice though.

Unfortunately, some of his behavior has been pretty self-destructive and it is not easy watching it and not be able to do anything. Operating at the extremes seems to be the norm.

It has been a wild ride.

Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

Top
#63393 - 09/22/02 06:49 PM Re: Now what?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Dont forget to phone and email him... ;\)

And it's a fact that it's a rough ride, just hang on tight !!

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63394 - 09/23/02 11:37 AM Re: Now what?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Lloydy,

Thank you. I sent you a private message.

Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#63395 - 09/26/02 09:46 AM Re: Now what?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Sometimes, I am not sure how to keep in touch with someone who seems to be so unpredictable in his mood swings. Also, most of the time there is very little feedback.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#63396 - 09/26/02 01:16 PM Re: Now what?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Freedom
If you've done something, anything, positive for him he will know and recognise that.

And when he needs somone he's going to ask himself
"who cares ?"

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63397 - 09/26/02 03:36 PM Re: Now what?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Lloydy,

Do you suggest that instead of

Quote:
Dont forget to phone and email him...
I should stay away at this point?

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#63398 - 09/26/02 07:35 PM Re: Now what?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Aha !!
yes you've got me there, I guess what I'm saying is we generally don't like being pushed and persuaded into "dealing with it"

So maybe keep contact to your normal level between friends but let him raise the subject when he's ready.
He knows that you know about what happened, and when he needs a friend to help him deal with it he'll know where you are.

We're not an easy bunch to persuade into doing anything, we were persuaded a long time ago - and we remember that.

Sorry for the conflicting help, it was bad explanation. \:o

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63399 - 09/27/02 09:40 AM Re: Now what?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Lloydy,

No problem. \:\) It all falls into place eventually. Thank you for your comments.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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