For a long time now, to one degree or another, I have had a survivor in my life that I have been helping with things. I have helped her a lot, and she has helped me a lot too. We both know this. This person fully appreciates my help, and I her's. I know this. After taking a step to the side and looking at everything that has transpired between us, I have also come to realize that she quite literally takes everything that I help her with, uses it to get a little bit better each time, and each time folds it back upon itself and she unintentionally uses it to hurt me deeply. If I don't help her, she gets angry, mean, and bitter, and hurts me intentionally and directly. It is extremely difficult for me because we both feel such a huge link to each other. It is like only we understand each other. We have sooooooo much in common. All of our interests, our beliefs, our backgrounds, quite literally, just about everything. We are on the same page about everything. She is the only person in the world that I have ever met that can keep up with me in conversation, thought, theory, etc. We have an extremely deep connection to each other. One which a huge wedge is being driven between. I have no idea of how to stop it. It is not the wobble. It is something different. From what I can see, it is a fear of life. It is a fear of the things that you want. In her, I see a deep desire where she is drawn toward all of the things that I have mentioned that we have between us, but at the same time it appears that she has a irrational fear of those things. One that is so strong that it exists at the very core of her being. One that drives her toward her own self defeating behavior. I have talked about this before. After stepping to the side, I can see myself being drawn toward her like a moth to the flame. I just don't know what to do. I have been placed, or placed myself, into what may easily be a huge catch 22. I do not think that I placed myself there. We have both taken great care to create boundaries for both ourselves and each other and relay them to each other, yet this still continues on a deeper, or lower, or sub-level. I find her quite literally the most amazing person whom I have ever known. She is quite literally, absolutely brilliant. I also find great sadness in sharing her torment with her.
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me