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#63381 - 08/10/06 09:49 PM here's my deal
needanswers Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 24
I don't mind helping him through his situation. I would have been even more supportive about it HAD I KNOWN BEFORE OUR MARRIAGE.. I will always care about him.. I feel that I can and am willing to help him figure out what it is he needs sexually speaking, dealing with his family, etc... but my question is this: WHO WILL HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS? How do I know if he is truly without homosexual tendencies? How do I truly know if he is without thought of hurting my children? What kind of impact is this going to have on my children as far as if/when he and I split? I can listen to him tell me that I am who he wants and that he is IN LOVE with me but is it what he wants it to be or what he truly feels.. with all the deceit so far, I can't trust in his words. Even if he were to "show me", I'm always going to have in the back of my mind that he may possibly be interested in men. I have already come to the conclusion that I can't deal with his marriage any longer. The TRUST is already gone. Had he been open with me to begin with, then possibly but there is the trust issue PLUS everything else on top of that.


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#63382 - 08/10/06 11:27 PM Re: here's my deal
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
needanswers,

I have already posted at length on most of these issues on your other thread, the one that was transferred from the Gay Forum. Have a look and perhaps those thoughts will clarify some things for you.

What you add here is a tremendously important question: "Who will help ME get through all this?"

Your husband will need as much support as he can get, and he will have to face his issues honestly and seriously. He will also have to understand that HE is the one who has to do the work required to recover: no one in his support group can do that for him.

I think the same applies to partners. Look for safe and caring support, and of course make use of this site if it helps you. At the same time, bear in mind that YOUR issues will be fully addressed only if you state them clearly and ask for what you want. You have to let your husband know what your fears are and where your boundaries lie.

I know some things make you very angry, but try not to threaten him with ultimatums. I think this disempowers a partner. That is, if she categorically states that she will leave if this or that happens, and then he messes up, she either backs down or she leaves. She has closed down her options for working to get what she needs and wants. It seems to me it's better to make it clear that you just can't see how you can accept failure to toe the line on certain things.

I would also suggest looking for the following books: Mike Lew, Victims No Longer; and Mick Hunter, Abused Boys. Both of these are wonderful resources for understanding the sexual abuse of boys.

I especially suggest this because I think these books will help you to let go of several myths you are worrying about. I have in mind especially the ideas that abuse turns a boy or man gay, and that abused boys will turn on their own kids when they grow up.

It's great how you are using the forums to get your fears and issues out into the open. I hope the site is helping you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#63383 - 08/10/06 11:30 PM Re: here's my deal
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
needsanswers,

After I posted I remembered the brief review of myths that we have here on the site. Have a look: http://www.malesurvivor.org/myths.htm

Much love,
Larry

edited to fix the link-- SAR

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#63384 - 08/10/06 11:33 PM Re: here's my deal
needanswers Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 24
I think it's great I have people in here to turn to, as I can't discuss this with others. Even though I'm irritated and not sure I have the energy, as I have a gazillion things going on in my mind and I'm trying to make nicities with everyone, including my children in order to not allow people into our dysfunction that is going on, I do care about him even though I do feel betrayed and want him to make healthy decisions, as I too need to make good choices for myself and my children. I appreciate the info on the books. Thank you.


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#63385 - 08/10/06 11:34 PM Re: here's my deal
needanswers Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 24
Larry, that link wouldn't give me anything.


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#63386 - 08/11/06 12:50 AM Re: here's my deal
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hmmmm. Me neither! To see this material, go to the home page of the site and look for the two blue bars at the middle of the page. On the lower bar, one of the themes is "myths". Just click on that.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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