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#63371 - 08/11/06 05:48 PM Re: marriage
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
BEWARE, don't know if anything in this post might TRIGGER....

just thought of another reason I felt bothered by bf's attraction to men;

everytime a situation arises where this issue somes up, he seems to become passive etc. As this is not who I've known him to be, I think I've found that in itself unattractive and like I don't know who he is. eg, 'if that's who he really is, I don't fancy him etc'.

I now understand that what happens for him in those moments, is this taunting voice in his head saying, 'your gay, your gay etc'. The fact of having any sexual feelings towards a man makes him feel inadequate as a man and I presume make him behave in this odd way. But, I know from working with loads of gay men, they're certainly not 'passive, submissive' or whatever! Flambuoyant, camp and expressive more like and my bf is not really any of those things..

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is that it's so hard for a man to always hold up this manner of being 'strong and masculine' to the point where expression of anything which is seen to be feminine (ie passive, submissive) is viewed as being so unattractive, both to themselves and their partners and the world! I feel quite ashamed of myself for having that reaction.

I think most men feel the abuse was their fault, cause they weren't 'man' enough to stop it, therefore they must be gay.

My bf had always thought he was just 'pretending' with me and that the other was the truth. He was relieved beyond belief to know that all the times he encountered difficulties were to do with being triggered, not being gay. Which meant he could still have me/love me and be with me.

It's so hard to find any comfort right at the start of all this and like I said I do still panick, but seek the truth.

Don't know if you relate to any of this...or if I've actually made any sense.

take care, \:\)
Beccy


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#63372 - 08/11/06 06:39 PM Re: marriage
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Phoster,

Very beautiful and true statement. It's what I seek for myself and for the one I love.

We are human therefore, we will never not be attracted to another person. Sometimes it's simply an appreciation for someone beautiful, other times we have a pleasurable physical reaction to another person. For anyone who seeks to shut down what is a very human reaction, failure is the only end.

The other beauty of being human is that we have the ability to put those attractions into perspective and not to act on an urge to satisfy us in the moment rather than look toward the future and the consequences of seeking instant gratification.

Thanks.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#63373 - 08/11/06 06:42 PM Re: marriage
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
i can only speak of my experience, but your bf sounds like me. my atraction for men is based a lot on abuse. it isnt a love type atraction like with women. it is more a morbid type of atraction, as in i want to act out with them. i am not comfortable with it totally, because i know where it coming from, and that it isnt totally from the best place.

we've talked on the sexuality board and other places i've talked on it. bisexuality is on a sliding scale i think. i have to admit to being bi because i am atracted to certain men under certain circumstances, but i am far more on the side of women. i much prefer women, and i couldnt see myself in a loving relationship with a man. it is kind of an uneasy balance for me, so no, i dont like talking about it in a very intimate way with my wife. i can talk about it here, where i dont know you all, but i wouldnt want to talk about it much with her. we have talked about it, because it was something we had to face, but we kind of avoid it for the most part. she says she's okay with it, after we talked.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#63374 - 08/12/06 05:03 PM Re: marriage
nursemanda25 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 18
Loc: KS
Phoster, you have really helped me clear some issues in my mind regarding my husband.
I have felt some of the things that needsanswers has talked about... and yeah, it would really be crappy if I invested all this time and energy into a marriage that was a lie. So I understand what she means.
HOWEVER - just like our counselor told me, THIS is the *for better or WORSE* part, and I'm either in this or I'm not. I don't take my wedding vows lightly, and I'm not about to leave his side because he has issues to work through (although I would leave if he cheated on me - ya know the real deal breakers of marriage).
I have put up with emotional abuse from my husband because I KNEW in my heart that that wasn't his personality, it wasn't coming from him... and I don't think I'm that far off.

I guess what I mean is that needsanswers NEEDS to stick by her husband if she intends to have a happy, fulfilled relationship. If she allows her insecurities to interfere with her support of her husband, she will be nothing but resentful no matter what progress is ever made. I doubt that her husband is gay as well, but if he is, OH WELL... live and learn, I guess... and if he has been a good husband and father during the meantime, count your blessings for that.


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#63375 - 08/13/06 02:42 PM Re: marriage
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Hi needsanswers,

I once was married to a very wonderful lady who I loved so much. It took me a while to really feel safe with her. She was the first person I felt safe enough with to tell about my abuse. I told her because I loved her and knew that my CSA was holding me back from having a truly intimate relationship. I wanted to make our relationship better.

Bringing out my secrets that I repressed for so many years opened a Pandora's box of problems. Everything started coming back to me, feelings, flashbacks, depression and I was out of control.

If I had known that it was going to get that bad before it got better, I probably wouldn't have said anything. Not really though. Her love gave me the strenght to face my demons. I didn't know how many were out there.

My acting out hurt her badly. It's hard to explain how you feel so overwhelmed to act out, compelled to do it yet knowing it is not right but just trying to make sense of your life. And feeling the tremendous guilt and shame after.

I've become a much better person since then and would probably be a much better husband. She wouldn't know this though as she moved on without me. I still wish her the best.

I don't blame her for leaving. The experience of abuse and its impact is hard to understand. It's probably much harder to understand if you haven't experience firsthand and I am glad she didn't.

For me, I know that it is possible to really love someone yet do stupid things that hurt her. I'm betting that your husband loves you. There are no guarantees though. I believe people should keep growing. My wife and I kept growing, but in different directions, we grew apart. It would be great if the both of you could grow together and help each other grow.

In his book, Beyond Betrayal, Richard Gartner wrote these words:

"Many men recover from boyhood sexual betrayal. When they do, they are stronger for it, often finding hidden gifts that make them more sensitive, resilient, and robust. Yourt loved one, as he recovers, may very well become someone you love even more."

I don't know how rough a road your husband will have as he recovers. Having your love, support and faith in him when things get tough is something anyone, abuse survivor or not, could always use. Remember that you have to take care of yourself and your needs in the process.

Sunny


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#63376 - 08/14/06 05:45 PM Re: marriage
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
my first wife left me too. i loved her, but i wasnt healthy, and i certainly wasnt happy. i dont think i was ever a very good husband to her. i couldnt let her in, and it cost me dearly. like you Sunny, i dont blame her. i dont really hold any hard feelings. i just hope whereever she is that she is happy now.

i'll have to remember that quote. it is a good one, and one i feel very much applies to my life.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#63377 - 08/15/06 06:05 AM Re: marriage
proteus Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/11/06
Posts: 29
Loc: Louisiana
I am married to a wonderful woman who I love truely, madly, deeply. November 4th is our 10 yr anniversary and I just opened up to her about my SA a few weeks ago. She was SA when she was a child so she has been very understanding about my situation. All though I have had thoughts about being gay I have kind of worked through that enough to know that it mainly had to deal with my SA. We are working on it together and I am planning a weekend get away for our anniversary.

_________________________
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me. Jeremiah 29:11-13

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#63378 - 08/16/06 12:06 AM Re: marriage
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I have been married for 32 years, and never been unfaithful.

But I have had sex with other men.

I would call having an affair or relationship being unfaithful, or having sex with another woman in a 'normal' kinda way, like having a one night stand with some woman I met. And I'll overcome my modesty to add that I have had my chances on more than one occassion.
To do that I would have to be willing and to some degree active in seeking sex or a relationship, and that has never happened, I love and respect my wife too much for that.

So how do I, and my wife, reconcile that with me actively seeking sex with unknown men? (Which incidentally I haven't done since 1998.)

Sex with strange men was an acting out behaviour, it was driven directly from my abuse for various reasons.
The main one being, I was trying to recreate the sex that happened to me as a boy on my terms as an adult, which I now know doesn't work.
I wanted to be the one in control of the sex, but my chosen sex act was giving BJ's which is a submissive role, so the conflict was huge and most times ended up with me fleeing before the act was over.

I was also driven by fantasies that I could create to such a degree of intensity that I was high on adreniline, and after a few days of continuous fantasy I was out of control.
So I went looking for strange men in toilets.

None of that behaviour has anything to do with being gay or even bisexual.
I have admitted freely that giving BJ's was sometimes a good experience for me, but that is a simple base pleasure experience that I personally can't seperate from all the issues that I have stemming from my abuse, as I've mentioned above.
So, would meeting a guy who would accomodate my fantasies work for me? No it wouldn't, the same rules would apply, I would need the strict rules and>
_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63379 - 08/16/06 02:45 AM Re: marriage
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Dave,

You know that I have the utmost respect and admiration for you, right? I hope you do because it's true and because of what I'm about to say.

You are splitting hairs, when you say you were never unfaithful to your wife. I believe you when you say that what happened was nothing short of a compulsion that you could not control when it was happening, but that does not excuse it and calling it acting out does not negate the fact of unfaithfulness. Mr. Clinton tried that one and it didn't work either.

To a spouse or significant other, if there is intentional physical contact between their loved one and another, then their loved one has been unfaithful - period.

Emotional or physical cheating is hurtful. It's pain beyond belief and sometimes beyond understanding to the person who was wronged. There may be reasons, compulsions, blackouts even, but if it happened, it happend. No spouse or s/o that I have ever met would call it anything other than unfaithful.

Sorry if this is a bit harsh, but it's the way I see it. I've been here for months and learned a great deal, including, no especially, understanding, but I haven't read anything to change my opinion on the bare bones facts. Things happen that have to be dealt with, but they should be called what they are.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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