Hi all - just wanted to say thanks for all the great advice so far...

Anyhow - I do have a question about how SA may affect one's comfort level about marriage..

My BF and I are actually getting along a lot better lately, he has admitted that "I'm the one" - we have been getting along famously for the past few weeks (we fought a lot before then) but he is really "baffled as to the reason why he the reason why he doesn't want to marry me tomorrow" (his words).

Its obvious he loves me very much - in his "saner" moments he is very kind and giving and he has gone a LONG way in being much more compassionate towards me (his insane moments are less frequent).

I suppose the fact that he had a poor relationship with his mother, which was what led to him being vulnerable to his SA perp, might have something to do with it? Maybe its a matter of trust?

Ah.. well we are going to couples' counselling to discuss this issue - but if anyone has any ideas - let me know - especially those who have struggled with this themselves.

soc

Hi Soccer,

Its kind of ironic that you mentioned his bad relationship with his mother. I am taking a psych class for my nursing degree and the instructor said something very interesting regarding someone's theory about marriage.

That is: Marriage is the recreation of the child-opposite sex parent relationship and the struggle to resolve the unresolved issues are the major focus of the relationship.

YIKES! you and I come from the same background as do our husbands. If I am trying to resolve the relationship with my father and he is trying to do the same with his mother then we won't make it since we are both dysfunctional as a result of these relationships.

I almost fell off my seat. I felt completely doomed. I recognize the problems and face them straight on, but he refuses to acknowledge it.

As for your question regarding marriage, I cannot compare your realtionship with ours. Your BF IS working on and facing his issues directly. That is a great start. If you read my last thread you know things are not going well in my marriage. So my advice would be tainted by bad feelings on this end. Only you can decide if you are willing to be in it for the long haul. You have faced alot more than most couples and you probably have a good idea of what may be in store for you down the road by reading stuff here. I think in your heart you might already know what you want to do. Go for the gut instinct! and good luck.

AMiNUTS

soccer,
if you will read my last post under the discussion titled "are others experiencing the same" you will see what my problem is all about. hopefully your BF is not like my husband, but make sure he definitely wants the marriage for the right reasons and not because he wants to cover-up his problems. it is hard to believe that for 4 years of marriage (total of 8 years together) that someone can fake being in love and fake wanting a marriage. i was totally fooled and still am since i am since with him. God, i must be a nut case!?!? anyway, like i said, just be careful and make sure you know his true feelings and true intentions. best of luck to you!

Thanks for the advice. I'll keep y'all posted.

I would certainly hope that he's made all his mistakes with other women and maybe he's worked out a lot of his problems before me. He has had his "string of acting out behaviours", then his "being with someone for the wrong reasons", then his period of cold withdrawal (no significant relationships for years) combined with drug and alcohol abuse which he quit in 1995, then a few other false start relationships.. three years of singlehood and self exploration and now me. I guess its good that he's older (33) and has had the time alone to work on things, made a lot of mistakes with prior girlfriends, etc.

He's a pretty stubborn guy and I seriously doubt he'll go forward with a marriage proposal if he really doesn't want to. However, I guess my major fear is that through the therapy he'll discover that perhaps he just is not confident that he's healed enough to go through with being married - that he's afraid he'll continue to disappoint and hurt me.

I realize I have to be strong and accept whatever it is that he says about his feelings in these sessions.

I just can't stop worrying that I'll hear that he's just not sure about me, or just not ready yet and is not sure if/when he ever will be. I guess I'll have a choice between two crappy options if I hear that. Certainly won't be easy.

I'm pretty upset today - I can't help "pre-grieving" in anticipation of the worst.

Appointment is in 3.5 hours. I'll keep you posted tomorrow.

soc

Upate on couple therapy -

Seemed to go well - my BF did mention fairly early on in the session that he was "abused" (didnt say "sexual" abuse though) by someone in his past.. the counsellor did mention that this can and often is a significant stressor on a relationship (duh!)

It was really tough for me to be there - I guess I just had ideals of love being "wonderful and great and amazing" and here we are, not even engaged sitting in a counsellor's office pouring out our wounded hearts...

My BF does remain optimistic that this could help us.. so I guess that's a good sign. He did mention that one of his major problems in a relationship is feeling scared all the time.. so hopefully this will help him!

hang in there. things have a way of working out. my philosophy is "what is meant to be, will be" (although it has been hard to follow lately). wish i had some advice to give you but i myself have only been in this situation for about 4 weeks not. i have no clue whether my marriage will last through this or not...guess i will wait and see.