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#63274 - 09/10/02 01:20 PM are others experiencing the same
jab Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
i am just wondering if other wives of survivors are going through the same things i am. of course there are many issues right now, but the biggest is the fact that my husband doesn't know if he wants our marriage any longer. (i have been privately discussing this with Lloyd, and thank you very much Lloyd for all of your advice, but i want to see what other wives have to say about this). my husband has become very cold...he once was a very loving and affectionate guy. since he disclosed his SA, he hasn't wanted to be around me. he doesn't know if he has feelings for me...he might even want to separate for some time. he doesn't want to discuss our marriage because he is scared he might say the wrong thing or do something he will regret. it is so hard not knowing whether my husband actually wants me anymore...my mind is just bogged up with questions of what is real. is anybody else going through this or is just my horrible luck???


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#63275 - 09/10/02 02:00 PM Re: are others experiencing the same
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Hi JAB,

I am sorry that you are going through this. After reading your post, one thing came to mind. It really doesn't have anything to do with you...its about him. Unfortunately, you are so intimately affected by all of this and it is all too hard to spearate ourselves (the wives) from his problems. I know everyone here says for us to be able to separate his stuff from our stuff and this is where I have trouble. But I come here to try to put things into better perspective.

As for splitting up, this has been in my head for years. He always claimed to be committed and would never leave. Over the last few weeks, something has changed in him and I don't know what it is all about. But he is equally fed up for not having his needs met. I would hate to break up because I would feel like a failure. But on the other hand, the idea of leaving this stuff behind sounds quite tempting. In a previous post (I think it was Lloyd and Babs) who said how close they came to splitting up, but they held on and it is paying off.

Unfortunately, we cannot control the other person, nor can they control us. If he needs to do some soul searching and figure it out, that may be a good thing as long as neither ends up homeless. I have suggested a separation at least a couple times. I could live with that just to really feel out my feelings. Will I be happier without him? I don't know and can't know. My problem is that I struglle with trying to fix him. I think if he could see what the problem is and acknowledge it, our marriage will get better. After 1-1/2 years of marriage therapy...well, some things have changed but basically we are equally frustrated for different reasons as each other but for the alot of the same reasons going in. He is not getting the physical closeness to make him feel loved and cherished and I just don't feel TRULY loved and cherished. We exist as a functional couple (and I don't say team, because we always seem to be on different teams of any given issue)and take care of the children and pay the bills.

Anyway, I suppose my suggestion to you is to take a wait and see attitude. He could be exploring his feelings and really doesn't know what he wants. If you want to stay in the marriage, then simply let him know and sit back, and take care of YOU.

Good Luck.

AMiNUTS


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#63276 - 09/10/02 08:37 PM Re: are others experiencing the same
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Another thing is the "normal" problems of being married, the everyday crap we put each other through, my washing all over the bedroom and bathroom and bit's of jeep in the kitchen, her shoe collection bigger than Imelda's. You know what I mean, basic niggles.
But at times when we're in crisis this stuff can escalate alarmingly, sometimes without either person actually saying anything for fear of further upsetting the delicate situation, so we sit on it and fester in silence. Other times war breaks out over one pair of dirty socks !

How hard is it to sit back and judge how bad, or good, things would be if everything was "normal" and we didn't have a crisis on our hands ?

It might just be too easy to blame a shakey marriage becoming worse on one persons journey through their crisis, but the opposite also applies. A shakey marriage can be saved and strengthened by working together, I know that can happen.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63277 - 09/16/02 12:40 PM Re: are others experiencing the same
jab Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
AMiNUTS,

I suppose I realize it is about him. Ok, maybe I don't completely realize it. After 8 years of knowing him, he is my everything. I feel as if he is a part of me and it hurts me seeing him hurt. How do I go about separating myself from his problems? How did you do it? I want to help him in any way I can, but I don't know how to go about it?

We have experienced the same phases you mentioned >>the part were you said that neither of us felt we were getting the attention and affection we needed. Has that improved at all for you? We were (still are) on different paths, always doing our own thing. I am trying to make an effort to make sure we do things together, but it is hard when only one side of the relationship is wanting to make things better.

Honestly, I truly don't even know if we have a marriage or if the marriage was ever real. After my last post, my husband revealed to me that he never wanted to marry me in the first place. It was all a cover up so that he could appear normal to friends and family, and he hoped that he would start feeling normal too. This truly ripped my heart to shreds. How can a person be so cruel as to pretend that he loves someone and wants a life with someone??? Why go through all of this effort to ruin someone elses hopes, dreams, future??? He acted as if I was his true love and that he totally adored me. He would say the most sweetest and loving things to me; now I find out they were all lies and it was all an act. How can someone act so damn well? I was totally, completely fooled!!! I don't believe that I will ever be able to trust anyone again or get close to anyone or open myself up to others...I feel really screwed up right now! Why am I still around? Hell, I don't even know…I'm stupid I guess. Should I leave, should I stay??? All I know is that I love him and want him in my life.

I wish I could get my freak'n head straight. I have so, so many questions, so, so many "whys'; my head is just swimming with nonsense and confusion. I'll take your advice and try the "wait and see' approach. What do I have to lose besides time? Frankly, I don't care about time anymore. I just know that I will eventually get hurt again, that is if it is possible to hurt more than I am now. I guess he is worth it though, so I will hang in there as long as I can.

Lloyd,

What are your thoughts on the new secret my husband has thrown at me? Do you think I am nuts for hanging in there and trying to make a fake marriage work???
You said “A shaky marriage can be saved and strengthened by working together, I know that can happen.” Is my situation shaky or just plain absurd and impossible?

Thank you both for the advice!


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#63278 - 09/16/02 05:41 PM Re: are others experiencing the same
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jab
I was saying that a shakey marriage can be saved, but there's got to be a good basis for saving it, there has to have been something there in the first place to save.
Personally I didn't recognise what I had until recently, and now I also recognise the bad state we had descended into.
It was worth saving because we both married for the right reason - we loved each other. And although we grew apart in so many ways we never turned to rage or hate, just apathy. So it was easier to recover.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63279 - 09/16/02 05:51 PM Re: are others experiencing the same
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
jab,

Funny thing..we realized after all this time that we didn't really want to get married either. As a matter of fact, I asked him since he would never get around to it. You said something that hit a nerve...that he married you to look normal. I really think he is acting out with other men, just can't proove it and I think he used me for the same reason...to look normal.

We have very separate paths and I think ultimately we are going to have to take them and split up. Its been a month since he has completely withdrawn and this makes me completely anxious inside. But then again, I do not want to be engaging with him since I feel like it is all fake anyway. I have to finish school at this point and focus my energy there and with the kids and trying to keep my freaking head straight too. That part isn't going well though. I feel like I am getting an ulcer or something. In the past I would go for a couple drinks to "Not care" or feel it all. I am trying not to do that because I'll just end up complacent and not do anything about it. At this point I want to split up finances and move out of the bed room. I just don't know how to go about it since I've mentioned it in the past and it never was realized. I know I'll just have to present it and DO IT. Never mind what he thinks other's will think.

And you know what? I DO care about time. Its been 21 years wasted. Time to move forward fresh. I just don't want to do this anymore.

Good luck to you.

AMiNUTS


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#63280 - 09/17/02 01:01 AM Re: are others experiencing the same
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
all I can add to this is what I felt in the years leading up to my breakdown - when I stopped hiding in a bottle and explained to my wife the extent of my SA issues.
I wasn't getting my needs met, felt like a phony, wasn't sure who the real me was that made the claims of love to my wife. Always felt like two people; the one presented to the world and family; the one hiding in my skin, afraid to trust or let go or be totally honest.
My wife began to think I was gay, or having an affair, or just out of love with her. And in my darkest hours I questioned my identity just as hard.
I can't say what your partners are thinking, or who's really down there. But I do suspect they don't totally know, and are tired, frightened and angry from the years of confusion. They may be clinging to what they think is an identity (deciding the marriage is a sham, etc.) just out of a desperate desire to make some kind, any kind of choice, and end the arguing and conflict once and for all. There were (and sometimes still are) moments when I wanted to end my marriage just to free my wife up from living with a freak and wasting her life. I'd say cruel things to alienate her. Remember, people like us have vast stores of self-loathing. It's almost impossible to trust anything we say since we know ourselves so little.
I can only heal so fast, and I know my wife, while supportive, has serious moments of fatigue and frustration. Sex is minimal and rocky, rarely good. I sink into funks, albeit much less than I used to. She senses somewhere that I may turn on a dime and decide I'm someone else and want something else - despite my promises to the contrary. This is the road we are on. We are all on here. It's not pretty.
I hope you all can sort things out, whatever the outcome, in a way that is honestly right for everyone concerned. I hope I can.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#63281 - 09/17/02 01:50 PM Re: are others experiencing the same
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
ARW
I recognise that man....
Lloydy \:\(

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63282 - 09/18/02 11:25 AM Re: are others experiencing the same
jab Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
ARW,
A lot of what you wrote is what my husband has said to me. I don't want to pressure him in any way, but I wish he could figure out his feelings for me (whether he has them or not). Does there ever come a time when I will know that our marriage is secure? He has been down in the dumps (I mean as low as you can get) for the last month. Then the other day he changed back to that loving man I once knew. He said he loved me, he mentioned having kids, etc. Then BAM, the following day came and that was all over…back to the world where he doesn't know what or who he wants. At least for that one day I was able to feel alive again. Now it is back to being that empty, hollow person I have become. Does this ever end????

Lloyd,
You said that you recognize this man. Do you still struggle with these things or have to gotten to a point where you know what/who you want in your life? Does therapy help you with this? I really wish my husband would start his counseling. He keeps saying he is, but never does.

Thanks guys!


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#63283 - 09/18/02 12:54 PM Re: are others experiencing the same
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jab
It's over 4 years since I started recovery, and I haven't had a therapy session for nearly a year now. But I still work at my recovery, coming here, reading - whatever it takes.

I still have downers, they can go on for days. Most of it is the normal everyday crap that we all have to deal with, my lousy job, my ailing parents, too much to do and no time. the stuff we all get.
My danger is that I can easily slip back into my old comfort zone when this happens and use the fantasies as distraction. It's a lot easier to overcome these days, but I genuinly dread a major knockback like someone close dying.
The urge to completely lose myself again would be so hard to deal with I think.

Perhaps I could use a few therapy sessions again, maybe I'm ready.
I do know what I want from life now, and it's nothing much. I just want to get along from day to day with no hassle and enjoy the people I love and care about.
A lottery jackpot would be nice, but a winner who lives near here just killed himself, so even that's not all it seems.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63284 - 09/21/02 03:36 PM Re: are others experiencing the same
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
It was hard for me to tell my wife about my abuse. I was afraid she would want to know more than I was ready to tell. I've known about my abuse for a week. I have ups and downs. I wonder if I should have told her & I'm dealing with a flood of emotions.
Don't overlook the fact that your husband may be trying to put you at a distance so he can deal with what is going on.
I know from my own experience that my wife can get in a very emotional state over my emotional state. When she does I push her away because she is makeing my condition worse.
Don't give up on him.
Get him online.

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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