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#63223 - 09/04/02 09:34 AM help...i think he's acting out
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Hi all,

I think he's acting out, but obviously I cannot know for sure. We had a blow out more than a week ago...kind of blown way out of proportion, especially his perception of the event. It seems that he is using this fight and issue as justification for whatever he may (or may not) be doing. This pattern of behavior is very familiar. This is how it felt when he was secretly into porn. He is very angry towards me (and I am pretty pissed at him too), but it *feels* like he is holding onto this anger maybe to justify whatever he may be doing. Last night he came home from work and claimed to need to get something at the store later. I said I'ld take care of it tomorrow since he just got home...he said no its ok..I'll go...blah blah blah. Anywayway, he said well if you really want to go then go. OK fine. So later that evening, our daughter was missing some sports equipment that we couldn't find. He got pretty mad that it couldn't be located and informed me that he must go out and get it. It seemed like he was really trying to get out of the house. The store is about 10-15 minutes from our house...and hour and a half later he came home. Now, I understand that I could be creating things in my mind, but I feel soooo suscpiscious of him. The level of outward anger that he is displaying toward me is something new. I asked him over the weekend if he is having an affair, considering an affair or something like that...which he denied. I asked because the signs of this can sometimes be suddenly joining a gym (he's recently lost 18 lbs), change in lifestyle, concern over dress, etc. which he has been fitting this mold. My gut tells me what is going on, but I have no proof. What can I do? I don't have the money to hire a private investigator.

Personally, I think that he IS acting out and feels mad at himself and so instead of being mad at himself, places the blame on me and gets mad at me (for not fullfilling his needs) to justify the behavior of acting out. Does this sound like reality for anyone or am I out of my mind. I'ld like to bring it up in therapy but there is no way he would own up to it even if it were true. And unfortunately, I don't think I can believe him denying it (even if nothing IS going on.

HELP!!! Thanks for any insight.


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#63224 - 09/04/02 01:28 PM Re: help...i think he's acting out
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
When I acted out I planned it all beforehand, always at a time I was alone and could justify my being in that place at that time. But I have a solitary job where I drive around a large area, so that was my time, but not always.

I sometimes took off on flimsy excuses during the evening, but for me it was just to get away, to be alone, claustropobia in the house. I would walk or drive aimlessly. And when I returned and my wife asked where I'd been all I would say was "OUT !" That's if she hadn't gone to bed.
The good old days eh ?

But that was me, we're all different. And we do crazy things when we're wounded. A sudden setback plunges us into depths of guilt and shame.

I hope your suspicions are wrong, how to find out ? I can't say........

Sorry
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63225 - 09/08/02 01:46 AM Re: help...i think he's acting out
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
AMiNUTS,

Let's suppose you catch him "acting out". Have you thought about what you will do? Stay? Go? Forgive? YOU need to see a therapist for yourself and your children's sake. Don't tell me you can't afford it, what is it worth to try to save your mental health and maybe your marriage in the process??

About 2 months ago I first watched Dr. Phil McGraw on TV and what he had to say to folks seemed so RIGHT!!

He says "There is NO reality just PERCEPTION!!"
and "You GET IT or you DON'T".

I don't need to tell you what I think your husband is doing!!

Let get REAL from everything you have said:
(1) You perceive that your H is "acting out", you don't trust him
(2) Your H is living in the LAND of DENIAL and will continue to do so until he hits bottom
(3) Your H is in such a self-centered mode that he is oblivious to ANYONE else's feelings
(4) The joint counseling is inaffectual at best and a joke at worst
(5) Both of you are not being truthful even to the therapist, why bother going?

Getting your own therapist will help you sort out if you want to "hang tough" till your H comes to his senses or ....

Be Good to Yourself,
Babs


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#63226 - 09/09/02 09:35 AM Re: help...i think he's acting out
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Hi Babs,

I have to say I love Dr. Phil's straight shooting philosophy. And yes, let's get real. The therapist knows what is going on with me. We have had a few sessions alone. I told her that my feet seem to be stuck in the doorway. I am not committed emotionally but physically I can't stay. She suggested that maybe its just not a good time to leave. I am finishing school this spring and can't really afford to deal with a divorce right now. Although, I also struggle with the impact on the children - which he plays up alot. "How could you want your children to live in poverty...." - having to support them on a single income. That plays BIG on me.

I know he is in the land of denial. I have to move away from trying to fix him and hoping that therapy will bring it to the forefront. That is not going to happen. I think we have been going for almost 1-1/2 years. He is not honest with himself, how can I expect him to be honest with me.

No, I guess I haven't thought about what I would say (cause I know he is too slippery to get caught). I suppose if I were forced to decide now, I would tell him to get out. (although we have had discussion about divorce and said he would NEVER leave his home). I also would think exposing the behavior might be important, but I also think it would be cruel if he can't help it as many have said on this board. How can he hit bottom? Where is that place? I have been at the bottom for almost 10 years now. It wasn't until I got cancer that I realized how emotionally unavailable he is. We talked about that in therapy and then he got a second chance when I got cancer again...still emotionally unavailable. Instead of being "with me" in the fear, he tries to make it go away, thereby denying my feelings cause it makes HIM uncomfortable....but I guess that is another topic entirely. My point is, this marriage has been tested and I think it failed the test. So leaving will be revisited when I finish with the demands I have to deal with right now. I really don't know what I'll do.

I do wonder what it would feel like to have a "normal" relationship that is mutually satisfying.

Thanks Babs.

AMiNUTS


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