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#63110 - 12/01/04 07:15 AM sugg on helping bf cope/heal plz
lissakaye Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 2
Loc: Eugene, Oregon
My bf at age 7-16 was put into foster care after his mother was imprisoned for meth. He and his brother were passed around from home to home. He was very close and protective of his brother, who is a few years younger. At one home in particular they were severly abused. My bf was raped repeatedly, his brother was as well, and his "foster father" would force him to watch. They also endured physical abuse such as being burned with cigarette butts, being cut, water torture, beating, being strangled, and more that he does not feel comforatable discussing with me yet. Then he spent 5 years in prison from 20-25. He is 26 now, 27 in april. While in prison he dealt with his anger by fighting with other prisoners. He has now been home for over a year and a lot of things stemming from his abuse affect our daily lives. He still wakes up from night mares, he gets drunk to numb/supress his feelings, when he gets angery he goes out and picks fights. He buries everything and fights with it, and I don't know how to help him move on, and he doesn't know how to either. Counseling is not an option for him. He will not discuss these things with anyone else, and I do not blame him, he does not want to re-live any of it. We are looking for suggestions on what has worked for other survivors. I would like some suggestions from people who suppressed things, had really bad aggression problems, and people who have had bad problems with alcohol. I suggested that he try a punching bag for aggression and that has worked very well so far. He said that he is open to about anything other than counseling. Any information will be highly appreciated. Thank You.


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#63111 - 12/02/04 12:57 AM Re: sugg on helping bf cope/heal plz
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
lissakaye
My first suggestion is usually therapy, BUT I also say that nobody should be pushed into going, it's something we do when we feel ready.

So what can he do, and what can you do to help, until that hopefuly comes?
Well he's done the hard part, he's told you - so that proves he trusts and loves you, he just doesn't know the finer points of your relationship - yet.

It's important that if you are comitted to helping him you return that trust. If you believe him, then tell him, if you trust him, tell him. But do it without judging what he's 'done' in the past, we're already judging ourselves - and finding ourselves 'guilty' for something that wasn't ever our fault.

One way of learning about abuse and it's effects is to get a copy of a good book, I always recommend Mike Lew's book "Victins No Longer" ( it's available from Amazon.com through the 'bookstore' link at the top of the page. For every purchase through this link we at MS get a small % )

It's rated by many people as one of the best books about male abuse. It's easy to read with very little psych-speak, and there's a good chapter for partners in it as well.

By reading a book like this he'll learn that he's NOT ALONE, and that's another major step.
When he feels up to it he can of course come here, we make all Survivors welcome.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63112 - 12/02/04 04:22 AM Re: sugg on helping bf cope/heal plz
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
If he is not open to therapy, then in my opinion his best chance is through education. Education for both you and him. Read books, come here, read articles. Learn as much as you both possibly can about all of it, and talk about it. I am personally dissappointed in most alcohol treatment programs that I have heard of. Most people who have alcohol problems have deeper things going on like he does. Without addressing the real underlying causes, treatments such as rehab will most likely fail. He has a lot of things to work with right now. Physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and prisoner abuse. The way that people are treated in prison is just as disgusting as the rest of it. I also personally reccommend reading about positive thinking and other such things. There are many self-help resources available, but none of them are a full substitute for working through things with trained professionals. I hope that when you both have learned more that he will reconsider therapy.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#63113 - 12/03/04 08:00 PM Re: sugg on helping bf cope/heal plz
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Lisa,

I too will not suggest he force himself into therapy when he's not ready, but the most important thing to do is talk about it.

Yes, it hurts to relive it. It hurts to actually realize how much has been done to you (and from what he's actually spoken about, it sounds like it was plenty bad enough), and how it's affected your life, but consider the alternatives.

He will continue to act out.
He will continue to be angry all the time.
He will continue to make unhealthy decisions.
He will continue to try and drown the pain with fighting and alcohol.

This, by the way, is from someone who's tried EVERYTHING to drown out the abuse. Binge-drinking, overspending, self-abusive sexual behavior, the whole frigging bit. It didn't start improving until I started TALKING about it.

This will do a few things. It will free him of the shame he's felt. He probably blames himself, even if he doesn't say so, and was bullied into keeping quiet. It will put the shame of the acts where it belongs, namely on the abusive morons. It will give him back the power the morons stole from him. It will allow him to express the hurt he's been keeping inside and it will set him free.

I hope he will reconsider therapy. A good professional can work wonders with the pain and give good insight on how to manage it. But talking is a first step. He talked to you, and this is good.

Be aware, though, that it can get worse. What he's admitted happened already is bad. What may come out could be worse. You may also need support for yourself. Please don't hesitate to get it. You must be strong for yourself and him.

I hope this helps. Please feel free to PM anyone here, myself included, if you have questions, or just need to vent. We're here for each other.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#63114 - 12/05/04 09:10 AM Re: sugg on helping bf cope/heal plz
lissakaye Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 2
Loc: Eugene, Oregon
Has posting on here helped you guys out. I haven't told him about this site yet, I was thinking that mabey if he could read others' stories, and mabey correspond with others that have similar experiences, and if he could do it annonymously that that may help, but I'm not sure. I just am willing to try anything to help him.


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#63115 - 12/05/04 03:05 PM Re: sugg on helping bf cope/heal plz
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Yes, being here helps alot.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#63116 - 12/05/04 07:16 PM Re: sugg on helping bf cope/heal plz
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Be supportive. Listen, just listen - don't show your anger, he's got enough as it is. Put your rants about it here or such, if he reads this site too (hopefully he will) join and use the member F&F where he won't have access (this is a good idea anyways, ever membership helps). Don't push him, he has to handle this on his own pace. Therapy would be good for him, but unless he wants and seeks it out it won't do any good unless he embraces it.

Take care of yourself. Get the assistance you need through this, this affects you too. And don't let him abuse and treat you poorly. You don't need to take shit for any reason and it is harmful to yourself and him.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#63117 - 12/07/04 12:09 AM Re: sugg on helping bf cope/heal plz
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Lisakaye
Yes, coming here would probably be a good start for him.
He can remain anonymous by using a nickname and not putting too much detail in when he signs on.

He won't be judged, we don't do that stuff here.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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