Spring is on us, and with it has come a flood of abstract memories of my abuse, and living with my perp, in a dingy one room, one bed studio apartment for Spring into Summer. And with these feelings (the anger, guilt, shame, self loathing, etc. etc.) has come a wave of terror that I may one day see this sick bastard again. And I realize the hold he still has on me.
Al, are these your first memories of your abuse, or additional ones, or "reruns" of earlier ones?
It's good you're getting out about these memories here. Hopefully you have a good T you are able to talk about these things with.
Remembering & sharing your story, getting it out, can help with breaking that hold your perp has one you.
What are the chances of your actually seeing him again? Would it help you to have a plan for confronting him? Or is that not part of your plan?
Anyway here's an article link that could help... http://www.malesurvivor.org/articles/singer3.htm
I dreamt recently that I was in court defending myself against my behavior with him (_defending_ myself, the fucker!) and the lawyer brought him into the courtroom as a witness. He was older, bearded, fat and depraved as ever. And denied everything. I'm rambling. Sorry. It made me sick to my stomach. And there I am in another post defending Polanski. Interesting. I'm defending these bastards. Always.
Al our perps blamed us, in some cases for everything, not just the SA. My mother blamed me for being a troublemaker & having to be put in the
children's home. I know damned well it was becuz of the abuse.
There is no defense for what they've done.
On and on it goes...sorry to take up bandwith.
No need to apologize that's what the bandwidth is here for.