It really made me think about the survivor needing " to give themselves permission to experience pleasure, intimacy, sexual expression, and satisfaction."
That sounds just like something I need- PERMISSION
Damnit, that's so right. I still can't get past that, giving myself permission to ENJOY IT !!
I still carry the baggage of being "trained" to ask my abusers for sex - and suggest different things to do.
And I still feel that making the first move with my wife is something too close to that aspect, it still feels like I'm asking for abuse. And if it does turn into an unfulfilled experience-which it has been known to
that reinforces the feeling.
I suppose a lot of this comes from the gradual decline of our sex life, mainly due to me trying too hard - through my confusion, coming to rely on the fantasy I had constructed of my abuse, and the eventual failure of my efforts. Back to stronger fantasy, an ever decreasing circle.
My wife does try to kickstart me, but she's wary of "becoming the abuser" as well.
But I hope it's something we can overcome, and if my, our, experiences so far have shown it's just about impossible on our own. All we do on our own is think around in our own box, and we need to think out of the box.
I'm going to order that book and channel my creativity, thanks for that.