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#63037 - 07/31/06 02:31 AM More Advice Please
tservo Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/26/06
Posts: 21
Loc: Illinois
Hi,

Thank you so much for the help with my first post. I now have a new issue that has come up that I am not sure how to handle.

Brian has become obsessed with my husband. My husband has no problem with me helping Brian or being friends with him, by the way. Brian has also started making passes at me.

How do I stear him off of this without upsetting him too badly?

Thank you so much.


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#63038 - 07/31/06 09:27 AM Re: More Advice Please
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi tservo, you said,
Quote:
Brian has become obsessed with my husband.
I am not quite sure what you mean here, could you spell it out.

About you,
Quote:
Brian has also started making passes at me. How do I stear him off of this without upsetting him too badly?
I think the best way would to be honest with him. Let him know that you are married to your husband, and happy with your husband. You also may want to remind him of the age different, and that you don't feel the same way about him, If he can accept just being friends, you can do that, but if he can't then you will have to stop seeing him. This may seem harsh at first, but I think it is best to nip it in the bud as it were. I think that you will find that he wants and needs your friendship more than any sex he may be wanting. Note, you may have to go through with this several times for him to accept it.
Sometimes as survivors our needs get mixed up, I think this happens to normal people to, but I think they can sort things out easier.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#63039 - 07/31/06 08:45 PM Re: More Advice Please
tservo Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/26/06
Posts: 21
Loc: Illinois
Thank you for your reply, Clifford. Brian just keeps asking about my husband, asking if he can talk to him alone, asking if he can do things with him. And it's not that he can't do things with both of us, it's just that Brian only wants to go do things late at night and my husband works early.


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#63040 - 08/01/06 11:42 AM Re: More Advice Please
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
When you feel unloved and uncared for, I think it is easy to become attached to people who offer kindness and understanding. "Any kind of love is better than no love" I think victims of CSA can easily confuse friendship for romantic love.

You have to set boundaries with him, the sooner the better, even if it may hurt him. You can still be supportive of him.

Sunny


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#63041 - 08/01/06 02:25 PM Re: More Advice Please
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
tservo,

Please be careful with this young man. He's been hurt and he's confused. You're his friend; your husband is his friend and he desperately needs friends, but it seems like he doesn't know how to do that. It's a strange concept that you have to teach an adult how to be a friend, but that's exactly what needs to be done. If something inappropriate comes up, he needs to be told that what he is doing is not how friends act, then you need to show him how they do. Being firm yet gentle is very difficult to do with someone who is 21 and who the world would think should know better. Are you sure you're ready for this?

ROCK ON....Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#63042 - 08/01/06 07:24 PM Re: More Advice Please
tservo Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/26/06
Posts: 21
Loc: Illinois
Yes, I am ready to help him and I will gladly teach him how friends act. Thank you so much for the help. I ask for help because I do not want to do anything that would hurt him further.


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#63043 - 08/01/06 07:36 PM Re: More Advice Please
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Tservo

Good for you and even better for Brian. ;\) Keep reading here. It's an education no one wants, but if you need it, I can't think of a better place.

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#63044 - 08/02/06 11:17 AM Re: More Advice Please
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Trish said so eloquently what I was feeling but couldn't find the words.


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#63045 - 08/02/06 09:52 PM Re: More Advice Please
tservo Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/26/06
Posts: 21
Loc: Illinois
I wanted to post what I said to Brian to get an opinion on if it was okay or not. And what I said to him was the truth from my experience with life so far.

I told him, "Brian, whenever people of the opposite sex become friends the issue of whether or not they become lovers eventually comes up. This is a choice. Friendship to me is permanent, lovers tend to come and go. I am your friend and I hope to be for the rest of my life. I will continue to give you my affection, generosity, loyalty, and all the support you need."

I'm not sure it sunk in, but he didn't seem displeased which was a big relief to me.


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