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#63027 - 07/27/02 08:29 PM several "shadow issues" could yet surface
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
Soccer & AMiNUTS,

Again I'm sorry to be in your face, but I keep feeling the need to remind you that things are not always as them seem. Trauma memories are funny things and the mind only allows the victims to remember what they are strong enough to accept.

Just a word of caution,

Babs


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#63028 - 07/31/02 10:28 AM Re: several "shadow issues" could yet surface
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Hi Babs,

Thanks....I know that all too well. Unfotunately it puts me in a very paranoid state. For example we were discussing some issue and he said one thing and I felt that it was not quite "the way it is." He didn't like that I doubt what he says but my gut tells me that things are nopt the way they seem or he says.

Thanks


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#63029 - 08/03/02 02:18 AM Re: several "shadow issues" could yet surface
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
AMiNUTS,

At first Eddie thought that the SA happened just one time and with just one older boy. His mind maintained this illusion for weeks or months. Only when he could accept this memory and open up to others did the real FLOOD begin.

Driven by the overwhelming sexual obsession of the SA he "acted out". When I discovered the infidelity he described what he had done as just a sexual experiment. He said that he had not been able to achieve an orgasim for months (with or without me). I actually bought into his distorted view of reality for many, many months. He was quite willing to dump the blame on me for being "inattentive to his needs". I think that I really didn't challenge his version till about this time last year after we had both joined this forum.

He wrote about flashbacks and even wrote about how he decided to "act out", what he would do to "act out" and how he located the "act out" partner. Damm the obvious premeditation hit me hard. The reported chain of events that led him to these acts just did NOT ring TRUE. His actions, his supporting reasoning and his behaviors were so out of character from the man I married I finally challenged his version. I could only remember one instance that we ever stopped having sex when he had not climaxed (blamed on RX drugs) and I believe he acted out within a week or two. I finally realized how much the OCD had completely replaced his ability for rational thought.

So if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and smells like a duck, it is probably a duck!

Trust what you feel,

Babs


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#63030 - 08/05/02 10:17 AM Re: several "shadow issues" could yet surface
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Hi Babs,

I think my H also would argue the same point.

"blame on me for being "inattentive to his needs". "

He wouldn't have gone to porn if his needs were being met. Well I can't meet them and since the porn I have no desire to meet them. Something just doesn't feel right. I don't want to do it...at all. (mind you, I have breast cancer twice so the idea of him looking at "whole" women hurts alot).

You said that you and Eddie really started talking after joining this board and thats when you found out the true actions. My H won't deal with it...only denial. So I am left with suspicion..paranoia...nothing more. What do I do with that. Right now, things feel quite dysfunctional and I wonder what he is up to. When I bring up questions as to him "acting out" he gives me lines such as "you know me" and "I never go anywhere." So now the gym...somewhere to go for several hours. (But I was with him saturday and he did workout and knew how to use more machines than when I showed him the week before...it seems irrational to think differently.) But at the same time, I don't trust him....no evidence....I just don't.

Last week's discussion with Lloyd about building self esteme led me to support this "healthy" choice. I have worked out for years. I am fit. He sees that. He is unfit. Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know how to get from point A to B. Work out at gym...get fit. No other motive? Yikes, what stress this brings on today.

Thanks again for your insight!


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#63031 - 08/06/02 01:44 AM Re: several "shadow issues" could yet surface
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
AMiNUTS,

You identified with my statement saying your husband would
Quote:
"blame {his issues} on me for being "inattentive to his needs". "
about Eddie dumping the blame for his infidelity on me (I'm not a forgiving as Lloydy's wife, Sugar, who didn't consider "acting out" with another male as infidelity)...

In my case, that act of "dumping" was Eddie perpetrating an act of emotional abuse on me. Just like those who victimed him he was shifting the guilt & shame of the betrayal onto me and I responded in an unhealthy way by buying into the blame. I'm sure my acceptance of the blame was similar to how he responded to the SA.

Why would he shift blame onto me? He learned the technique from "The Masters". He had seen little else in his life. He told his father about being abused and his father blamed him for it. His father told him, a small 11 YO boy, that he would have to take care of IT himself. His father even terrorized him by telling him that he could become pregnant from the abuse, so he was in total panic when he suffered rectal bleeding & had no where to turn for help. His gang of abusers constantly told him "he wanted to be abused", "that he would never be good for anything else". They completely desimated Eddie's almost non-existent self-esteem. To survive such horror is truly amazing.

As much as I would like to I do not trust Eddie completely even NOW. I recognise that the his actions at the time were driven by the SA related-PTSD, but the painful wound that resulted will take a long time to heal.

You wrote ...
Quote:
You said that you and Eddie really started talking after joining this board and thats when you found out the true actions.
Not exactly. Eddie and I started talking immediately after his "acting out" was discovered (8/2000). In the following week or two after that discovery we just talked about what had happened (I wanted details) and possible reasons why it happened. One evening before he left for work we were talking about his expectations about marital sexual relationships {it ONLY took 21 years and near destruction to start communicating on this topic}. His attitudes seemed to be based on a "pornographic novel". He said he had never read any himself, but had been "read to by an older boy". He told me that the boy had tied him up, read from porno book and then penetrated Eddie with only the tip of his erect penis. I said "You are telling me he RAPED you", Eddie said "No,he just threatened me". Talk about runaway DENIAL through dissociation.

I really didn't believe him at that moment in time. I thought it was a diversionary tactic to redirect and dilute my anger. Eddie left for work with me in doubt. It only took me several hours to realize that the childhood SA EXPLAINED MUCH Eddie's behaviors (past and present).

By the time we joined this forum in 7/2001 we had been through HELL and BACK. I was just beginning to recognise that much of my behaviors also were unhealthy. That my continual excuses for his behavior we not helping either of us. Eddie had little or no incentive to change/improve his behavior if I tolerated and often rewarded his unhealthy actions (verbal & emotional abuse). This past year has shown much more progress than the last. We'll keep on trying.

You said ...
Quote:
My H won't deal with it...only denial. So I am left with suspicion..paranoia...nothing more. What do I do with that.
You need to examine whether YOU WANT TO CONTINUE LIVING LIKE THIS. Do you want to accept his reality or make your own? Is this really an intimate relationship or a facsimile? A very hard, but crucial decision.

Be Good to Yourself,

Babs


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#63032 - 08/06/02 11:54 AM Re: several "shadow issues" could yet surface
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Oh Babs,

you said:
You need to examine whether YOU WANT TO CONTINUE LIVING LIKE THIS. Do you want to accept his reality or make your own? Is this really an intimate relationship or a facsimile?

This HAS been the struggle for the past 2 years. Do I stay or do I go. When he finally told me about the SA, it too explained alot about him. I cut him alot of slack because of the disclosure. I felt sorry for him...and I still do. Unfortunately, we have very different personalities on how to deal with it. He doesn't deal and I deal with it head on.

I have repeatedly said that I want our relationship to be a mutually satisfying one. He HAS actually come along way in the communication department and has shown some major growth (probably more than me most of the time)...and I congratulate him for that. Its actually quite amazing to have him approach me to discuss his feelings or to respolve a problem. In the past it was just forget about the problem, never look back and poof, it never happened.

After yesterdays post, I was feeling quite taken aback by the gym thing. I still don't know what I am going to do with that information. Maybe I should just try the direct approach and ask him about it. But that feels so terrible. I just don't know. I can't imagine something going on at a gym that I have been a member of for so long at the state college...it doesn't seem to be that kind of environment, but as he has said many time, he thinks I am very naive in that way. Funny, I think he is way too knowing in that way. I always wondered how he came across certain information that seemed "off beat."

Anyway, I think we have been through hell, but not back. We have been really putting the cards on the table. I haven't told him about this website yet. I suppose I want to understand it myself since I don't think he'll buy into it. Although I am hopeful that if I can bring him here, he might be able to acknowledge stuff, at least to himself.

I will be good to myself...you do the same.

Thanks,
AMiNUTS


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#63033 - 08/06/02 01:05 PM Re: several "shadow issues" could yet surface
Eddie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/31/02
Posts: 25
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Everyone,
I would like to say that this Male SA seems like it drives everyone around it nuts...no wonder no one wants to talk about it!

Eddie


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#63034 - 08/06/02 03:52 PM Re: several "shadow issues" could yet surface
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Eddie,

Speaking for myself, at least now I KNOW what it is that is driving me nuts. So to answer the AMiNUTS question....no I am not nuts. Does it drive me nuts...yup sure does. Should I too change my screen name ;\) ...DRIVINGmeNUTS? No, I'll keep the same one. I will probably need to continue to question my sanity on a daily basis.

Great thread of insight and thought provoking stuff!

AMiNUTS


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#63035 - 08/06/02 06:59 PM Re: several "shadow issues" could yet surface
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
AMiNUTS
Please be careful of not doing the work and recovery of two people, it's way too much.
If your partner is going slowly, then that's the pace it must go.
I can see your frustration, and your eagerness for his recovery, but until he sees his need for help he wont accept it.
Why ? because we believe we're smart enough to do it ourselves, and we also believe we are protecting those around us by keeping them at a distance from our problems.
You're doing your best, and more, learning what you can, and discovering that a good recovery is a reality for many of us. So many survivors lack that sort of support.
Don't stop whatever you do, if you love the guy keep going, but don't burn yourself out too soon.
Be there when he needs you most, whenever it is.
I hope it's soon

Be strong
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63036 - 08/14/02 10:53 AM Re: several "shadow issues" could yet surface
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Thanks Lloyd,

I'll do that!

AMiNUTS


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