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#63015 - 07/27/02 08:52 PM Re: proper reactions/support - continued... (reply to babs)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Babs
You're right, we aren't cowards, but I think I was back then, I wasn't admitting even to myself what was the root cause of my problems. So ending it was an easy - cheap option, cheap as in no pride, worthless. I felt like shit and thought nobody would bother. How wrong can we be ????

Quote:
My wife thought it was her fault, she thought I hated her, I didn't - I hated myself.
Yes, I agree with what you say 100%.
We now have the kind of relationship and deep. loving understanding we always deserved, it's not all sunshine and roses, but it's good, meaningful and we TALK.
She was so convinced that I was screwing around with other women, having affairs ( other MEN !!!! ) that she retreated into herself, became depressed and despairing. She's always been a bigish girl, and she took to comfort eating- not a good thing, which sent her into a downward spiral. She felt horrible about herself, I felt guilty. We never said a word.
And that's so sad, 31 years we played that out- can you believe it ?
I married her because I loved her, she was smart, made me laugh, was as sexy as hell. I had dated stunning beauties ( honestly ;\) ) before her, but they didn't click, I couldn't imagine spending a lifetime with any of them, the best looker was rich, dumb and frigid as a fence post !! ( sorry Liz ) and even though I was terribly mixed up even then I recognised that I wanted a partner that offered, if that's the right phrase, something lasting. I wanted a partner for LIFE.

Tonight is our 28th wedding anniversary, ( I should be romancing right now ;\) ) and we've been for a lovely romantic dinner at a French resteraunt, we're catching up. We both grieve for so many lost years, but she has a remarkable level of understanding, even knowing that my "affairs" were acting out in a dangerous way.
I know I made the right choice, it was probably the best judgement of my life.

She's looking at me, I'm off to bed.
Lloydy \:D

Quick- grab Eddie...........

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63016 - 07/31/02 10:40 AM Re: proper reactions/support - continued... (reply to babs)
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Wow Lloyd,

Thanks for all that you have said. It is amazing how life unravels and we find ourselves at certain cross roads. It interesting that your disclosure was in the moment. I don't think my H will EVER acknowledge the impact on his life...(and selfish me)on my life.

As Babs said, there are no cowards here! You are a strong and brave man! Happy anniversary to you and your wife. I can understand being sad over the lost years. we just had our 15 year anniversary and I think they too are lost years. Its just so damn sad that they couldn't be happy and filled with honest, full hearted love. My need to fix him and blaming myself when he won't even go to therapy wears me down. I get resentful too.

I wonder IF self esteme is the step upon which you needed to stand to begin your healing. My H has very low self esteme. He just began working out at the gym and I hope it will help him get some esteme. I think though he looks to me to build up that part of him which has been lost. I don't think that is something I can do...I think that is something he has to do for himself.

Lloyd - your connection with yourself shows that you have accomplished alot in your journey. Thanks for your honest insight!

Be well,
AMiNUTS


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#63017 - 07/31/02 07:10 PM Re: proper reactions/support - continued... (reply to babs)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
AMiNUTS
thanks for that, it's good for the self esteem. \:o

And I really do mean that, because it's so important to us all, survivors or partners.
I was lucky to have a small bit bestowed on me by my boss that showed me I could do things I hadn't thought possible.
I was asked to work on a project at work and I was the only dirty hands worker on the team of 8, ALL the others were managers and directors of a very big company, and I thought I was "the token worker". I was so convinced of that I nearly just didn't turn up, but I did. We met weekly for a year, and I soon figured out, and showed, that I was as smart as they were- it was a different type of knowledge- but that was all.
The lift this gave me was immense, as was the frustration, I wanted to know why I hadn't got their jobs, why was I still repairing sewage pumps !
But the seed was sown, although it took a while to sprout.

Self esteem is so important, wherever it comes from. It might be the trainer at the gym who passes a comment that kicks it off, it might be all he needs.

Thanks again
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63018 - 08/01/02 10:17 AM Re: proper reactions/support - continued... (reply to babs)
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
HI Lloyd,

Self esteme...that is what I will try to help with as well. Although he just started this week with the gym, it may be a way for him to 1) take control of his weight and health and 2) build self esteme by looking fit. I don't know what it took to get him to be extremely hughly motivated right now, but its a good thing.

I have another question if you don't mind. Its related to being obsessive-compulsive. His level of this behavior is quite extreme at times. Like with the gym..its all or nothing. He wants to go every day, even though I have suggested that our bodies need time to repair and rest between workouts. A 40 year old man should not dive in at an 18 year old's speed. (Part of me wonders if there is other motivation involved......but I will try to not get patanoid.) But since he is generally an unmotivated person all around, this is a good thing...right? Maybe he needs space too. I have worked out for years on my own and I love the time to myseld in a healthy environment. Maybe he can get somnething more out of it than the obvious.

But OCD....is this a common PTSD symptom?

Thanks,
AMiNUTS


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#63019 - 08/01/02 07:44 PM Re: proper reactions/support - continued... (reply to babs)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
AMiNUTS
yes, I think it is a pretty common thing.
I certainly get obsessive about different things, I spend too much time here, which is a bit obsessive- but it helps. I think that my recovery has become an obsession, but that I can live with.
But the little obsessions are the ones that bug me, if I take the lid off the coffee jar I wont place it on the counter, it has to go on top of something - why ? who knows...
And I have a shed load of these little habits and behaviours. I have routines as well, and I get real pissed off when they're interupted, VERY irrationally. I get home about 90 mins before my wife, and I like that time to log on here of just chill out. I hate it when she comes home early, why ? dont ask.... And that was always my bad time for winding myself up with fantasy in preparation for acting out, something I have under control ( 95 % ) now, and rather than enjoy that time with her I have replaced it with another obsession, why ? I'm stumped....

I really could write a list of obsessive quirks, I didn't used to recognise them, I suppose the biggest, acting out, dominated my thoughts. But I do now. And they seem just as hard to give up as smoking.

Have you seen BlueOne's post on "Light dawns on marblehead here" on the survivors forum ?
Like I have said before, we do crazy things when we're wounded.

Compliment him on his new six pack, the one from the gym - not the fridge !
Lloydy \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63020 - 08/02/02 10:06 AM Re: proper reactions/support - continued... (reply to babs)
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Thanks Lloyd,

I'll do that - compliment him. Funny the coffee lid on the counter...he is pretty obsessive about bugs and things that may be dirty. I suppose it is best for me not to worry about them though. As Eddie has said many times, these are "his problems not yours" to all the partners.

I am amazed that all you fellows seem so together in your head (even though quirks may surface) and you recognize these aspects about yourself. May my H does too, but only internally and the difference is that you guys are talking about it openly to anyone who will listen. That is sooooo Wonderful. I would guess that it must also feel quite liberating for you too.

Again...way to go!

Be well,
AMiNUTS


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#63021 - 08/19/02 05:10 PM Re: proper reactions/support - continued... (reply to babs)
soccer Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 43
Interesting about the little obsessive quirks - my BF does that too - he gets like.. REALLY REALLY mad when I do things differently than he does - i.e. I unload the car differently than he would after a long trip, I dont organize my closet the way he would, etc. Works out well as this weekend he just went in and cleaned my closet, but the really really big ANGER attack I could live without.

I would think that a lot of OCD has to do with wanting to control one's environment. I too have OCD characteristics, coming from a quite violent alcoholic home and also having a tendency towards OCD/Depression/Anxiety. For me its all about making sure that my environment is safe so I can relax and feel safe.


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#63022 - 08/19/02 06:42 PM Re: proper reactions/support - continued... (reply to babs)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I've conquered putting the coffee jar lid on the counter, only another shed load of stuff to get through !! ;\)

I think you're right Soccer, it's all about controlling our environment, and taking comfort in what we CAN control. but why it manifests itself in such small and insignificant habits is a mystery to me.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#63023 - 08/21/02 11:03 AM Re: proper reactions/support - continued... (reply to babs)
soccer Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 43
Lloydy: Probably because the only things we CAN control in life are the small and insignificant things! \:\)

Soc


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