My flashbacks take a couple of days to "develop." They come in piece by piece until a whole picture is formed. One started yesterday while I was talking to my T. I didn't mention it at the time. It was like it was happening in the background. I am now very scared what the final picture will be. I have no control over what will happen.

Green

Green,

I seem to get memories back in a piecemeal fashion like that. My flashbacks are sudden dislocations. I feel like I'm in two (or more) experiences at once, the thing really happening at the time, and the thing from hell. Only one has been so vivid that I lost any contact with what was "really happening." I hope I never have another like that.

The pictures are scary, because the things we flash back to are so frightful. Is it something you could write about? Maybe not here, but in a journal for yourself? I think that writing seems to make things smaller and less real to me. I can see the page, or the screen, and I can control it.

I hope things settle down for you. Like Mikey says, the road is bumpy.

Joe

Hello. I do not have the 'pieces' of flashbacks as you describe. But, I never forgot of any of the sexual abuse, I just put it to back of my mind, and tried tell myself that is was not of importance. The memories, they always were there. The only thing I ever actual forget of was the death of my brother, which happens almost 20 years ago. But I still get the flashbacks. Sometimes, I feel them come on, I start feel some edgy, or shakey, and start feel of panic, and I know it is probable to come up at me. Sometimes, though, it is what i call the 'whoosh'. Something just happens in my body, like it is slammed up at my head by someone. I hear of other people say that actual 'flashbacks', they are indicating of things we need to remember of. But that does not make sense at me, as I always remember of all it, and I still get them, and body memories as well.

I think it is good idea, to keep journal of what you get, the memories and flashbacks of them, to share with your therapist. Mine ask me to keep one of this week, because I have been losing of time some, to see if we can find pattern of it. I hope that you discover more of yourself, to be able to better heal of it. I wish you well.

Leosha

I am half asleep and I find my body in the position of the abuse, my whole body lunges
forward to get away from the pain. That is what mine are like. I phyiscally relive it then I start to cry but stop myself.

I get different kinds of flashbacks.

Sometimes I get a panic attack and a flashback at the same time, I suppose one triggers the other. Usually I feel like I am in two places at once, I am both in the 'now' and in the flashback, it's very scary and confusing...

Other times I will get a flashback, and be completely engrossed in it. I believe that I am really there, and really however old I was when it happened. I can still usually communicate to people on the 'outside' though... but they rarely understand what is going on..

And then I get my nightmares, which are basically just flashbacks in dream form. I wake up in physical pain a lot, I feel that I have just been raped, and I hurt like that. Sometimes it takes a while for the smells and tastes and sounds to leave me after I wake up. A lot of times I wake up crying and don't know where I am for a while.

Hi sp I have to be alone to have a flashback, it is difficult to do this infront of others.

Mine just come whenever they want to, especially when I hit a trigger.

It is no fun to have them in front of anyone. They think you are crazy.

Guys:

Flashbacks via dreams are the most horrible thing for me because a part of me wants it again and again and again.

Last week I had a reawakening of something that I never knew had happened and it has totally infected my whole thought process. I wonder if I am ever going to be whole or even if I want to be. It is such a scary place.

I spoke with my T about the flashback that I had in her office the week before. I told her that it started somewhere in my stomach and worked its way to my head. She told me that many abuse victims describe the process akin to throwing up.

Green

I don't think I really have an actual flashback as I have sudden realizations from time to time in regards to what happened and I just have an overwhelming feeling of guilt and worthlessness come over me. Like I'm some sort of deviant or something.

Adam read what I said in "What makes me a Survivor"

We are all brothers here

I went thru dealing with a lot of my abuse a number of years ago having flashbacks, memories, and realizations. I went for some time knowing there was more I hadn't dealt with and just recently decided I must. Sunday morning I had just ordered my breakfast in a restaurant and suddenly 'saw' what happened when I was very young. I was able to get my breakfast down but had a very exhausting morning digesting the memories as well as the breakfast. I was able to have a much needed cry. It is a bummer when it happens in public but I wasn't about to squelch it as long as I could keep my emotions under control until I got back to privacy. Haven't a clue just what triggered it at the time that it did.
Just look at it as a step in the healing process. I believe we have to pull up the buried memories to heal from them. In my case it was a big relief to have finally dug it up.

I don't know if it would have happened without the help and support of a courageous group of guys on here.

Keep up the fight.
Gary

Gary,

What you wrote is exactly how I feel about flashbacks.

I'm slowly beginning to realize how important this group is to me. Thanks

Green

Most of the flashbacks I've had have had more to do with remembering feelings and emotions assosicated with the actual memory. I have memories of being abused, but they are like looking at it on TV with no volume. Just visual. I don't recall my feelings at the time, or anything else really, just the visuals.

Lately, I have started remembering the emotions I felt as a kid during the abuse as well as the occasional forgotten memory. Decidedly unpleasant, but as Gary said, neccessary to heal.

Most of my flashbacks start with dislocated visuals, then they sharpen to include touch, taste and smell (but rarely sound).

Much of my abuse was pretty violent and my med's can't control my anxiety when they come out.

I am in group thereapy and it seems to help when I can talk about it.

Take care.
Edwin

My experience with flashbacks seems to be different from others. I tend to only have a brief "remembrance" of the acts. They are like pictures set in my mind-it's like my mind erased the actual acts themselves to spare me from the shock of them. I can't say that I'm over them, but I don't think that they will ever be vivid in my mind.
However, my perpetrator not only abused me, but people close to me, like friends in my neighborhood, and kids that I babysat for. He caused my whole world to collapse around me. I will never be the same, or able to trust anyone again. That is how I feel. I don't feel close to my family, even though I know them well. I hate these feelings, it's like I'm trapped inside a box, and it looks like I could easily get out, but I never can. Has anyone else had the same kind of flashbacks?

senordeaner
I was lucky - if I can use that word to describe anything to do with our abuse - but I didn't get bad flashbacks because I remembered everything that went on.
My abuse lasted 4 years and I not only remembered it all; I used it as a base for my fantasies for over 30 years. But sometimes some small detail from it all would come flooding back, and it's not fun.

I think that one of the main ways to destroy the 'power' of the flashbacks is to talk about them. It's hard I know, but that way they are no longer a secret.

And welcome to MS as well, it's a great place to find help and support, I'm sure you'll find that out.

Dave

I get varied memories, flashbacks, or recovered memories. Sometimes, there is just a sudden realization. Other times a dislocated visual. Other times, a dislocated visual along with some audio and kinesthetic sense. Whatever the variety, though, there is very intense emotion.

Tom

hello guys,
it has been a few days. unfortunately i cannot go into detail because i am in a public place right now, but i wanted to share my experiences for this thread. the flashbacks i have had were typically during a dissociative episode that would happen only when i was exhausted, hence, it typically happened while i was in bed. i know these were not night terrors because of the experience itself of the flashback, body memories, dissociation, and paralysis. the flashbacks were mainly the emotions experienced during the abuse episode. the memories themselves were recalled through me trying to work through the experience. i don't know where this falls within the spectrum stated here, but most of mine have been in the exhausted state but not nightmares. i say most because of the waking flashbacks and dissociation episodes i had for the past three or four weeks when i posted that recall of which i still can't bring myself to talk about. dave, you mentioned the lessening power of flashbacks with discussion but i just cannot go there and it is driving me nutty!! well, that wwas my two cents.

Honestly, I do remember most of what happened to me, but it is cloudy, and was practically the same thing repeated over and over again.
Does explaining it-speaking about it to someone or writing it out really work? If so, where do I go about doing that here? I don't want to describe memories in detail somewhere where some won't be prepared to read it.
I must say, I have felt a lot better since finding this site a few days ago. There really has been no outlet for me. I feel too ashamed to speak about it to anyone in my family. It's the emasculating part of it that gets me most-it's a taboo subject in most places. None of us planned for this to happen, and it's good to know that we have a place to gather, to help each other with support.

Use the members only posting section. It is safe (not open to the general public) and those who post there are very sensitve and caring about what is written there.

Writing about what has and is happening to me here has been very helpful. It has really enhanced, supported and otherwise helped my work with my therapist.

Brett

I have had flashbacks in the past. It seems to have evolved into something else now. I remember humiliating moments instead. They are pretty much incapicating, I have to shout out when I hear them. I think this an attempt of my consciousness to put a lid on my memories and putting this stuff on top. Unfortunately it is not working, like a garbage can overflowing the more you try to press down the lid.

Actually I am thinking about them 24 hours a day, it just builds up over minutes or hours until I need to release it. I try to withhold the shouting but sometimes it doesn't work. I have managed to convert into a nervous tick around others, so I only have shout when I am alone. It's still akward and sometimes I need to whisper those words as well as the tick. It's better than shouting in a middle of a crowded mall. When it gets real bad I run back to my car to release my tension.

I know this conversation is about Green's issues, but I saw others talking about their experiences so I figured I would relay mine, I hope it is not inappropriate. Thanks for listening, hope I didn't stomp on someone else's discussion.

BTW, please don't tell me to get counseling, etc. That advice doesn't really help me whatsoever, since I can get that advice from everyone I know; I do have people I can discuss this with. None of them identify with me though

Grendyl
It's interesting that this post keeps coming up, and with a couple of posts from new guys.
And don't worry about joining in, it's what we want.

Flashbacks are a terrible thing, and a cause of great distress, and here I run the risk of upsetting you a bit Grendyl, I think that counselling / therapy is the best way to get help with this, and other, problems. Although talking about them here will undoubtedly help as well.

You say that you can get help and support from people you know, which is wonderful news. You must have some terrific family or friends to be able to talk to them about this, so carry on doing it.
My point is that when the talk gets really 'deep' will they be able to keep up ? by that I mean - do they have the knowledge and background to help you ?

Notice that I dont say "give you answers" because nobody else has the answers except you, not family, friends, therapists, other survivors or the man in the moon. You have your answers, only you can find them.
And I have no doubt you look for your answers, but if you're anything like me, and so many of us, they seem illusive.

We believe we're smart enough to 'cure' ourselves - and we are, keep on believing that ! But even though we have the smarts, I believe that we need a bit of guidance to make the best use of them.

I'm sorry for going against your request, especially when answering your first post, but it's something I do feel passionate about. I've seen the results of good, specialized therapy so many times now that I'm convinced it works.

Lastly, let me welcome me to MS. None of us 'want' to be here, but we are.
And that said, it's the best site of it's kind, the support and friendship here are second to none, I hope we make a difference to your life.

Dave

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Brayton:
[QB] Use the members only posting section. It is safe (not open to the general public) and those who post there are very sensitve and caring about what is written there.

I have tried to get into the members only section. I'm still "new here". How do I go about getting access?

Members section is for those who join MaleSurvivor. It's an extra for those who contribute to keep this site going.
Ken