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#62996 - 11/23/04 09:22 PM going to therapy
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
My husband Danny and I finally have a therapy appointment on Thursday morning. Itís been nearly 2 months since I finally had enough and threw Danny out of the house and started putting all the pieces together of the past he never told me about. Since I learned about what a disgusting family I married into. Since I learned all the lies I married Ė lies of omission that are so great and plenty of lies to my face. Because I was taught truth as one of the highest most important values I was a naÔve fool who had no idea I really didnít know my husband, didnít know where he was or what he was doing, didnít know he often lied straight to my face. Iím pretty overwhelmed with thinking ďwhat will I say to this therapist? Where will I begin? Will I have to endure my husband talking about my Ďanger issues?í When I talk about my fears regarding our daughter, will the therapist find it necessary to report to CPS and then will I lose my daughter?Ē You know, incest and fucking kids is not something thatís a part of my proud Irish family history. Not in this generation. Not in the last. Not for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, this goes really deep. And yet my husband thinks I make far too much out of what happened with him as a kid. This morning I told him it made me extremely uncomfortable when he kept trying to get our daughter to kiss him in the bed yesterday morning, ďGive Daddy a kiss! Give Daddy a kiss!Ē I said you need to not do that in the bed. He used to cross the line when she was on the change table. He yelled at me when I asked him not to. It took a therapist saying to him ďhow would you like it if your mother was trying to kiss you while you were on the toilet?Ē for him to sort of get it. So why is he arguing with me now about demanding kisses in the bed? Why canít he just see that it bothers me and NEVER do it again?
So many crazy things have happened since I posted about my situation. One of the main people I took my grief and anger to was my husbandís brotherís wife Linda. I went to her because we share that slimy father in law. She pretty much shut me out and didnít want to hear anything about the CSA or the fact that Mark (older than my husband) did sexual things with his little brother. When she got an anonymous letter typed on an old-fashioned typewriter 2 days later saying ďIíve been having an affair with your husband for several years and he has given me an STDĒ she decided it HAD to be from me. She wrote a long email to my husband with all her ďlogicĒ as to why I had done this. Well, I know that Mark is a scumbag scoundrel cheating DOG who talks about his wife like crap behind her back and who does not have a God-respecting bone in his body because he only goes to church to keep up the faÁade and to placate her (Iíve read the emails among the brothers and their dad). Of course I had nothing to do with that letter (Iíd admit it to you strangers if I had, Iíve done some wacky things to express my disappointment with this family in the last few weeks but Iíd never concoct something so stupid). Of course, Mark is going along with her belief that Iím behind it, going so far as to lie & yell at his brother over the phone as if Iím the one giving him the STD. Who knows if there even was an affair or if itís just some other angry person, the only way Iíll be off the hook is if Linda does contract something, I suppose.
Iíve decided to stay here in British Columbia and ďbunker downĒ with my husband and daughter. My family is getting together in San Diego this weekend and Iím missing out. They all know about what Dannyís done and what heís been through (I had to tell my family because I needed their support. Theyíve all come to visit me and given me all the emotional support I could ever ask for). I let Danny move back into the house a week ago Thursday night because I see him going to therapy, 12-step Sex Addict meetings, heís going to karate class 3 times a week, and heís even going to church every Sunday and doing lots of praying and meditating. When I saw the place where heís staying I saw there was no cable TV and he let me look everywhere for porn Ė I found none. He says heís not on JDate anymore talking to women.
Iím not sure if I ever posted about the day, about a month ago, when I went to his office and asked to see his internet history. He refused but I got pushy and saw that he had been on JDate a whole lot. He lied to my face, while I was looking at the evidence in front of my two seeing eyes. Then I started reading his emails and saw that he had been selling our company stock because he wanted to go on a trip with his dad and his brother. Dannyís boss told him to get me off his computer and there was something of a scene when he shoved me across the room as I was trying to keep him out of my way so I could forward more of his disgusting daddy emails home to read so I could understand just what else he was doing with his sexual energies and with our money (our daughterís future). He finally forced me out by unplugging his computer. I stopped by his bossí office with Lauren on my hip and said to the boss, ďI just think you should know this sicko is into some sick shit. Just keep him away from your children.Ē Danny told me later that the boss sort of raised his eyebrows at him and said ďis there something you need to tell me?Ē Well there still buds (everyone loves Danny because he is the best schmoozer in the world and if I had no idea what a good liar he is after being with him 6 years, how could anyone else tell?) and at the time what did I care if I was jeopardizing his job when he was threatening our family and our future so well on his own? Of course what I was thinking of saying to the boss was ďyour employee is using the internet in extremely inappropriate ways during company hoursĒ but Iím smart enough to know that that probably WOULD get him fired before the end of the day. I just wanted my husband to know I mean business around ALL of his inappropriate sexual behaviors and how much they hurt me and frighten me. I told him last summer when I found the child porn that there was no grey area anymore and that I now had a zero tolerance policy. Itís pretty sad what a crimp all this sickness will put on our sex life for the rest of our married life (if we stay married). I consider myself to be a person with a very wide berth of whatís acceptable as far as how people want to express themselves sexually but because he went over the line so many times WITHOUT me Iím left with no choice but to be like a cop who canít allow for much deviance or imagination. This reminds me; 2 days ago I was looking through the pictures of Lauren on our digital camera. There they were. A half dozen naked pictures of my little girl. One just of her breasts. He laughed it off then said sure, they should be deleted now that he understands these issues better. He explained he just wanted to document that time when she was so chubby, when she just started walking and hadnít worked off her baby fat yet. But what I want to know is just who in the hell did he think he was to begin with to do that without telling me about it? Of course my blood was boiling and the fear in the pit of my stomach is continuing to give me a stomach ache today.
Just wanted to post to let you know weíre finally going to counseling. Because my husband lies so much and Iíll never really know what he and his father were up to as far as the pornography habit (many of the emails were very cryptic) Iíve let him know the only way I can continue in the marriage is if he sees a sex-specific therapist who has worked with sexual abusers for an evaluation/assessment and possible therapy. We found someone who works for the court system generally (nobody goes in for this kind of thing voluntarily). He will sign a waiver so that I may have access/be able to view the report. The first available appointment of this kind we could find is November 30, but heís on the wait list for any cancellation that might come up. I still think something might be said to one of these counselors that worries them enough to report us to CPS. I almost called CPS myself last week on advice from a hotline I called. I was told theyíd likely be called in anyway once the therapy process gets underway so if I were to be proactive and show that I as the mother am willing to cooperate and do whatever it takes to be sure sheís in a safe environment theyíd be more willing to be on my side. I was coming very close to making that phone call because it was the fifth week of my husband being out of the house and all the surrounding stress was so much to handle. My mom and my husband completely flipped, calling CPS ďwolvesĒ whoíd destroy our family.
I tried to explain to my husband that his dad and his brother had basically stamped his forehead with a scarlet letter ďIĒ for incest and thatís one of the worst elements of the abuse Ė how it causes others to forever look at you differently. Danny mentioned to me 4 years ago he thought heíd heard something about his grandfather molesting his Aunt Dava (dadís sister). All the bits and pieces have been lying dormant in my brain because this type of ugliness is not something most people want to ponder often so I put it out of my mind. But now theyíre DEFINITELY together. I went on Paxil (anti-depressant) after I found the child porn, but once I threw Danny out of the house I gradually weaned myself off them and find Iím sharper as far as actually being able to look at the ugliness and put it together rather than stick my head in the sand. When I said look, your dadís a child molester. His dadís a child molester. This paired with your behaviors still leaves me with no choice but to have you go through a thorough and objective psychological evaluation. I said this while he was at work. He called me back later and said heíd called his Aunt Dava and told her what he experienced as a child and that he had to ask her if she was molested because he thought heíd heard something but wasnít sure. According to Danny, Dava said she was molested when she was 3 and 4 years old, but not by her father. Her father was emotionally abusive, but not sexually. Because this information is pretty important to me as well, whyíd he have to have this conversation while he was at work, completely leaving me out of it? Now I have no way of knowing if he even had this conversation.
My story could go on and on forever but I just wanted to post before this counseling appointment and I guess Iíll probably post afterwards because I know itís going to be an experience.


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#62997 - 11/24/04 01:07 AM Re: going to therapy
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
ForLauren
One thing stands out to me - how much are you ( and maybe others ) pushing your husband into getting help and therapy?

The old adage of "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" seems to be very true as far as survivors / offenders are concerned.

I believe that 'we' have to drive our own recoveries, and the fact that we've been subjected to abuse against our will makes us more likely to rebel than cooperate if we feel pushed.

I don't blame you one bit for pushing in this situation, boundaries must be set and kept to ensure the safety of your child, and others maybe.
But if it seems as though he's rebelling against you and the therapy / help then perhaps it's time for a lawyer instead?

That's just my opinion though, you're in the front line.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62998 - 11/24/04 02:02 AM Re: going to therapy
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
FL,

Don't be afraid of CPS. I don't know what it's like in BC, but around here they have more actual abuse than they can handle, if you don't need their intervention (and sometimes if you do) then they will determine that and move on. Maybe it will help you to get the opinion of someone objective, with experience around abusive situations.

Between your vigilance and your husband's lack of boundaries, your daughter is living in an entirely sexualized environment. If your family is supportive, and you are determined to stick with your husband during recovery, maybe you could get your daughter out of the house to stay with family for a while.


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#62999 - 11/24/04 03:20 AM Re: going to therapy
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Dave, actually Danny is being pretty proactive about the therapy. He hasnít gone about it all in ways Iím entirely happy with, but he is moving forward on his own. Heís in individual counseling, we have our coupleís counseling (first appointment) on Thursday. The appointment he has dragged his feet over is the evaluation from the sex-specific therapist heís supposed to go to on November 30. On occasion heís said ďI canít wait to see your face when you find out how wrong youíve been about all this.Ē How else am I as a mother supposed to have any peace of mind? In my mind, men who marry women and have children with them and then come to find out theyíve got short eyes Ė well who ever talks about how horrible that is for the mom? Itís like the whole thingís just a sham, like you were used just to breed something for them. The counselor heís been seeing for about 2 months now makes me kind of nervous. I met her once. She does past life regressions and astrology readings. I think in the States her psychology license would get pulled for these things. I personally love astrology Ė as entertainment. She told Danny and me that I have anger issues that span back to ancient past lives. Whatever! I have anger in this life! Over what Iím going through with my stupid husband! My other problem with this counselor (Lorraine) is that Danny got a referral to her through Amrita, this dirty hairy hippie chick who was doing reflexology (foot rubs) on Danny. Danny had admitted to me that he was turned on by Amrita (sheís extremely pretty, a bit overweight). He also invited Amrita over one night, telling me she was coming over to discuss a ďbusiness opportunityĒ with him, and would I please feed Lauren in the kitchen so they could meet at the dining table? Well I put Lauren in her high chair right there with them at MY dining table while Danny told her heíd like to be a substantial investor in producing her yoga video. So it gives me bad feelings that this new age counselor heís seeing is through a referral from Amrita (sheís a very nice person and is now 5 months pregnant and sorta seems like sheís trying to avoid Danny because she knows sheís a problem for me).
I have no trust in my husband. None. Itís all gone. Iíve told him twice this week that Iím giving the marriage until August 2005. I found the child porn August 2003. Iím not willing to waste more than two years of my life on a liar I canít trust. He emailed me today saying he had work to catch up on, that heíll be home around ten. I have no idea that heíll be in his office, I have no idea what heíll be doing. I used to trust him. I used to think of course heís where he says he is. But now I know heís a gambler and a sex addict. A junkie who lies. And he tells me he doesnít trust me anymore. Because last month when I found out about his dad and his brother I blabbed and blabbed to his brotherís wife. Oh Frickin Well. Shouldnít she have already been informed of these facts about her husband and her father-in-law? Not my fault sheís an itty-bitty stepford wife and that I just scared her out of her wits. Dannyís brother and his dad are both married to 4í11Ē ninety pound women. With big eyes, childlike features you could even say. Those women love their lifestyles, they remind me of mob wives! Not interested in the truth at all!
SAR, thank you for your input about CPS. The couples counselor weíre seeing on Thursday also works for the court system in evaluating sexual abusers so Iím sure sheís familiar with the local system. I will be spending the first few minutes of the session asking her all about it because when I describe our situation I donít see how sheíll possibly feel that she doesnít need to report, unless I agree as I did with the last counselor to be accountable for my daughterís safety and not leave her alone with Danny. SAR, Iíd like to ask you to elaborate if you could about the ďsexualizedĒ environment. I didnít react in the moment when Danny was trying to get Lauren to kiss him yesterday morning, I talked to him about it this morning before he left for work. I donít want to upset my daughter with my ďvigilance.Ē I do feel Iíve been stuck in this awful position of being a cop, and I guess this is why I need to read more S-Anon literature and go to more meetings because supposedly this isnít my role. I never thought that as a mother Iíd feel a need to protect my daughter from her own father, is all. I did want to get away for awhile and thought my mom would help me in that, but unfortunately the support only goes just so far. Iím in Canada and all my familyís in the states, so Iím pretty lonely and isolated up here. Theyíve all been great over the phone and 2 of them have visited/spent time while Danny was out of the house. SAR, thereís just no way Iím going to be separated from my daughter, that would be really traumatic for her. Iím an ďattachment-parentingĒ philosophy mom, meaning I believe her greatest security and independence will come from knowing Iím here for her. She was in a sling on my body for nearly the entire first year of her life. I donít do day care. She is one of the most secure and happy babies Iíve ever met. But last week I had a day where I felt ready to call child protective services and just tell them everything and let the cards fall where they may. I felt beyond low, I was numb. I never planned on being a single mother or a divorced mother. I still have no idea what will become of my daughter if my worst fears are true.


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#63000 - 11/24/04 03:33 AM Re: going to therapy
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Dave, actually Danny is being pretty proactive about the therapy. He hasnít gone about it all in ways Iím entirely happy with, but he is moving forward on his own. Heís in individual counseling, we have our coupleís counseling (first appointment) on Thursday. The appointment he has dragged his feet over is the evaluation from the sex-specific therapist heís supposed to go to on November 30. On occasion heís said ďI canít wait to see your face when you find out how wrong youíve been about all this.Ē How else am I as a mother supposed to have any peace of mind? In my mind, men who marry women and have children with them and then come to find out theyíve got short eyes Ė well who ever talks about how horrible that is for the mom? Itís like the whole thingís just a sham, like you were used just to breed something for them. The counselor heís been seeing for about 2 months now makes me kind of nervous. I met her once. She does past life regressions and astrology readings. I think in the States her psychology license would get pulled for these things. I personally love astrology Ė as entertainment. She told Danny and me that I have anger issues that span back to ancient past lives. Whatever! I have anger in this life! Over what Iím going through with my stupid husband! My other problem with this counselor (Lorraine) is that Danny got a referral to her through Amrita, this dirty hairy hippie chick who was doing reflexology (foot rubs) on Danny. Danny had admitted to me that he was turned on by Amrita (sheís extremely pretty, a bit overweight). He also invited Amrita over one night, telling me she was coming over to discuss a ďbusiness opportunityĒ with him, and would I please feed Lauren in the kitchen so they could meet at the dining table? Well I put Lauren in her high chair right there with them at MY dining table while Danny told her heíd like to be a substantial investor in producing her yoga video. So it gives me bad feelings that this new age counselor heís seeing is through a referral from Amrita (sheís a very nice person and is now 5 months pregnant and sorta seems like sheís trying to avoid Danny because she knows sheís a problem for me).
I have no trust in my husband. None. Itís all gone. Iíve told him twice this week that Iím giving the marriage until August 2005. I found the child porn August 2003. Iím not willing to waste more than two years of my life on a liar I canít trust. He emailed me today saying he had work to catch up on, that heíll be home around ten. I have no idea that heíll be in his office, I have no idea what heíll be doing. I used to trust him. I used to think of course heís where he says he is. But now I know heís a gambler and a sex addict. A junkie who lies. And he tells me he doesnít trust me anymore. Because last month when I found out about his dad and his brother I blabbed and blabbed to his brotherís wife. Oh Frickin Well. Shouldnít she have already been informed of these facts about her husband and her father-in-law? Not my fault sheís an itty-bitty stepford wife and that I just scared her out of her wits. Dannyís brother and his dad are both married to 4í11Ē ninety pound women. With big eyes, childlike features you could even say. Those women love their lifestyles, they remind me of mob wives! Not interested in the truth at all!
SAR, thank you for your input about CPS. The couples counselor weíre seeing on Thursday also works for the court system in evaluating sexual abusers so Iím sure sheís familiar with the local system. I will be spending the first few minutes of the session asking her all about it because when I describe our situation I donít see how sheíll possibly feel that she doesnít need to report, unless I agree as I did with the last counselor to be accountable for my daughterís safety and not leave her alone with Danny. SAR, Iíd like to ask you to elaborate if you could about the ďsexualizedĒ environment. I didnít react in the moment when Danny was trying to get Lauren to kiss him yesterday morning, I talked to him about it this morning before he left for work. I donít want to upset my daughter with my ďvigilance.Ē I do feel Iíve been stuck in this awful position of being a cop, and I guess this is why I need to read more S-Anon literature and go to more meetings because supposedly this isnít my role. I never thought that as a mother Iíd feel a need to protect my daughter from her own father, is all. I did want to get away for awhile and thought my mom would help me in that, but unfortunately the support only goes just so far. Iím in Canada and all my familyís in the states, so Iím pretty lonely and isolated up here. Theyíve all been great over the phone and 2 of them have visited/spent time while Danny was out of the house. SAR, thereís just no way Iím going to be separated from my daughter, that would be really traumatic for her. Iím an ďattachment-parentingĒ philosophy mom, meaning I believe her greatest security and independence will come from knowing Iím here for her. She was in a sling on my body for nearly the entire first year of her life. I donít do day care. She is one of the most secure and happy babies Iíve ever met. But last week I had a day where I felt ready to call child protective services and just tell them everything and let the cards fall where they may. I felt beyond low, I was numb. I never planned on being a single mother or a divorced mother. I still have no idea what will become of my daughter if my worst fears are true.


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#63001 - 11/24/04 05:25 AM Re: going to therapy
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
*********POTENTIAL TRIGGERS IN THIS POST********


Hi forlauren,

Quote:
I didnít react in the moment when Danny was trying to get Lauren to kiss him yesterday morning, I talked to him about it this morning before he left for work. I donít want to upset my daughter with my vigilance.
I read your post wrong then, I thought that you had brought this up with him in front of your daughter. I'm sorry to have misread \:o

But I do believe that kids pick up on the sort of cop mentality you describe, even if it is not discussed around them, and that it can be very bad for their sexuality, mainly because it puts an inappropriate focus on it.
If you are monitoring your husband when he is around your daughter, even if you are trying to protect her or repress or contain his desires for her, those actions too make her sexuality and particularly her status as a potential object of desire a dynamic in all three of the relationships-- his and hers, his and yours, yours and hers.

It brings her into your marital relationship because the marital relationship is the location of sex in the family. It keeps her from discovering sexuality without anxiety. It means that she too will sexualize situations that are not supposed to be sexy for kids, just for adults-- like bathing, being photographed, getting dressed up or undressed, being put to bed... if all of these activities create tension because you have to be sure she is "safe" while doing them, or away from her dad while doing them, she will put two and two together and not be able to experience these things without thoughts of sex, or fears about sex-- and this IS abusive, because it is exposure to sex that is out of her control.

Kids should not have to think about themselves as objects of desire. They should not have to be anxious around people they are supposed to love-- especially if they are getting mixed messages that maybe they can't trust the people they love. This puts the child in a position of having to keep secrets. Give dad a kiss when he comes in the door, but everyone is watching you do it, and you can't NOT do it, because he's your dad, and you DO love him, but you can't feel 100% okay loving him, and you're not sure why but it has to do with sex, and no one else is talking about it but they all seem uptight about it, and you're not supposed to think about sex or know anything about sex and certainly not about Dad and sex, but you DO know that when you kiss dad and mom watches it then it has SOMETHING to do with Dad and sex, so you are bad either way...
Of course as a baby still, some of this might not be valid right now-- but please, think about it.

I don't think most single/divorced parents planned on being that way. I don't know any who did. I think most children would benefit more from a happy home than a two parent home, from happy parents than married parents. Even if you try to keep sadness and stress away from kids they pick up on the lack of love and happiness, it teaches them bad things about how to be in adult relationships later on. I hope that you don't find yourself in this position, I'm not saying it's not hard. I just think that some people are so scared of their children being from "broken" homes that they stop thinking about all of what's best for children.

I can certainly understand not wanting to leave your daughter with anyone. But you know, part of the reason why ANY two parent house is supposedly better than a single parent house, is that in a two parent home, no one has to be frustrated by the impossible task of being everything to a child all the time-- in a two parent house you can do that demanding job in shifts, and lean on each other. It seems that in some ways you are acting as a single parent right now. This is also why the difference between successful and unsuccessful single-parent homes has a lot to do with real-life support in the form of people who can help you with household and child care, who can listen to your venting, reassure you, give you a chance to feel like a grown-up and not a mommy-robot. Whether or not your fears are realized (and I hope they are not), it might not be a bad idea for you to make connections, maybe with other moms or through your church, so that if the worst happens you will have somewhere to turn. Even the difference between just you and your kid at the park, and you and a friend and the both of your kids at the park, is overwhelming.

Hope this helps
SAR


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#63002 - 11/24/04 06:22 AM Re: going to therapy
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hi,
I have read your post a few times. Not because of the length but because of some things I read at first that confussed me. So I had to reread it a few times. I would like to ask you some questions. And keep in mind you do not have to answer them, because you do not answer to me.

Ok you said:

Quote:
ďI just think you should know this sicko is into some sick shit. Just keep him away from your children.Ē
What was your reason for this?

Quote:
I just wanted my husband to know I mean business around ALL of his inappropriate sexual behaviors and how much they hurt me and frighten me.
I think this is the answer to the first question. So because he hurt you and frightened you you tell his boss to watch him around kids?

Quote:
I found the child porn
Quote:
A half dozen naked pictures of my little girl.
Ok so you find child porn and naked pictures of your child on your camera and the only person you tell is his boss and all you tell this person is watch him around kids?

Quote:
He will sign a waiver so that I may have access/be able to view the report.
What good do you think this will do for your child?

I am sorry, but I was abused by my step father. And you know what? My "mother" knew it was going on. She seen it. You have seen child porn he had, naked pictures of your daughter. What is he going to have to do before you stop protecting him and start protecting your daughter. Studys say perps are not cureable. I am not a t or anything, but if I found child porn that my spouse had on there computer I would call the cops right then and there. As for cps, I do not think they would take your daughter from you. Unless they can prove you had knowalge of the fact something could happen and did nothing to stop it from happening. Here in the states they would call it accountablity (spelling?)

Best of luck, I do not envey you and what you are going through.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#63003 - 11/24/04 10:39 PM Re: going to therapy
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
I do want to take the time to respond to the thoughtful replies that have been posted. SAR, you certainly seem to be extremely intelligent and psychologically sophisticated. Your views about how an environment is sexualized through vigilance and ďcop mentalityĒ make a whole lot of sense to me. I realize that if I do stay married to my husband I will eventually just have to trust him and not always be monitoring his behavior or letting it make me nervous. Iíve told my husband in several different ways that my trust for him is completely destroyed, that the moment I saw the child porn I realized I was married to someone far more damaged and flawed than I had bargained for. He and I both are seeking emotional, mental, and spiritual growth (at least I hope he is, and not just conning me) by going to therapy, church, 12 step groups, meditation & prayer, and self-help. The shred of hope that Iím kind of hanging on is that maybe heís not a bona fide pedophile. Could it be that due to the highly sexualized environment he grew up in (not just his dad, his step-dad brought hookers home when his mom was out of town) he has the problem of sex addiction and unhealthy views on sex that could be treated? From a lot of what Iíve read about people into child porn they all started with a regular porn addiction and just started looking for more deviant avenues to keep them excited. Danny had a porn addiction he hid from me for years. When we married he had a half dozen or so videos and a short stack of porn magazines Ė it seemed within the realm of normalcy to me. He even told me about them to make sure I wasnít upset by them. Well I think that was just a ruse to hide the fact that he was completely unable to walk into a video store without going into the adult section and already had an internet porn addiction that would eventually cut into our intimate relationship pretty fiercely. When I found the child porn I said thereís no way you can bring any more porn into the house, ever. He gave away his videos to guys at work. I installed spy software on the computer and there was no more porn on the computer. It didnít really even occur to me that he could use his work computer because he works for the largest video game maker in the world and they have tight computer security, but I learned (like a year later) that he and guys at his work find ways around the security by visiting Russian websites, or Italian websites Ė guys who know foreign languages help the others to these sites because the firewall at work doesnít recognize all languages. But I do give him some credit for keeping the porn out of the house for nearly a year (he did start to sneak it back in and thatís sort of when I cracked and things really started turning upside down in our house).

I am not so scared of my child being from a broken home that I wonít do whatís right for Lauren. Thus my screen name. Itís all about her. But I also donít want to make the biggest mistake of my life and just divorce her dad and then what Ė he has partial custody and then I really canít protect her? Or I try to tell the judge about the child porn and he just looks at me like some hysterical woman, husband sues me for libel and gets full custody and Iím unable to even see my daughter? (These are real stories; there are dozens of them in the news all the time. There is a myth out there that mothers will cry child abuse in divorce cases just to spite their husbands. Mothers have it REAL bad in these stupid modern times with the Menís movement and all that Ė babies need their mommies. This I know.) I have beaten my head silly trying to find a solution to my predicament, even considering trying to run away to some foreign land to hide out in perpetuity but how would we live? I canít support myself and my daughter. Iím not a doctor or a lawyer. All I ever really wanted was to be a mom. I waited until I was 33 years old to do it because I wanted to be sure I was ready and in the right situation. My husbandsí true abusive nature didnít come out until I was 5 months pregnant. I think I talk about it in an earlier post, back from October 13 or 14.

I do want to tell you, SAR, that I appreciate your advice about finding support. If the scenario is that my husband is just a sex addict and not a pedophile then this is one of the toughest addictions to overcome according to many therapists Iíve spoken with. Iíve heard it should take at least a year or two. Iíve decided heís already had 15 months, since I found the child porn last August and let him know he had to start making some serious changes. Iíve told him recently on several occasions that Iíve decided Iím giving the marriage until August 2005, that Iím not willing to waste more than 2 years of my life on this ugly situation. I am extremely isolated, I donít really make friends easily. I actually donít have a single friend. I think for Laurenís sake this needs to change NOW because if I do have to leave next summer I will need support. It isnít easy being a single parent, and this is part of the reason why I let Danny back into the house after 6 weeks. The loneliness and responsibility were really getting to me. Now if I can just figure out how to make friends.

To James, thank you for considering my situation and voicing your concerns. I do think they are valid, as I share the same worries. I used to believe that perps werenít curable either, but I visited a website called Child Molestation and Prevention Research Institute and they claim there are new tests, new medicines, and new treatment therapies that can (with early diagnosis) stop people who harm children. I have found a psychologist who works with sexual abusers and Danny will be tested to see if he really has this problem. And believe me, everyone in my family knows what Danny has done, and Iíve told some of the people in his family (though they donít care and now call me crazy). I got to a point after I kicked him out where I didnít care who knew our business anymore. I just want HELP! The only reason why I didnít call the police immediately was that when I saw the child porn a big part of me really believed that it was just his sex addiction sickness, his porn addiction that had taken him there. It was the first time Iíd ever seen anything like it and I didnít truly suspect him at the time of being sexually interested in children. Itís only been in the last two months my suspicions have changed, because he said during a counseling session with me there that he had sex with his dad and his dadís young girlfriend when he was 13 and that he and his brother engaged in oral sex together. How could he keep something like this from me? I have been so furious to find out Iím married to someone from an incest/child molester family. I never would have married him and I certainly wouldnít have had a baby with him had I known those things.


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#63004 - 11/24/04 10:59 PM Re: going to therapy
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hi,
I really need to say sorry to you for some of my post. When I read it I was triggered by my own abuse and let myself project my anger over some things that happened to me to you. See my own mother knew my step father was abusing me and did nothing to stop it. And when I read about you finding child porn and then pic's of your own child my anger over my own mother came out and I lashed out at you. Seeing the two may not have anything to do with the other. I have read a ton of studies as well, and "most" say that most perp's will not enter into therapy unless a court tells them they have too. But you have said your husbond is willing to get help for his adiction. And your right it may have to do with that. While I suffer from the same problem I have never crossed that line to viewing child porn.......and when I read it it just flew all over me. I am sorry for letting my own anger over my abuse get out of hand and lash out at you. Your name says it all...you do put your child first. I hope everything works out for you. And I hope your husbond gets the help he needs to help him live a healthy life. Once more I am sorry for any pain my words may have caused you.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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