Hi KS, and Soccer, (and getteddie, too
Don?t know if you like therapy books at all, but one that covers most of the problem areas (and hopefully more areas than you will have problems with) is Allies in Healing. My girlfriend and I were both S/A, and we would sit and read chapters back and forth to each from that and Courage to Heal when I was doing therapy.
The counselor gave you some really good advice regarding staying out of his head. His problems are his problems and he will have to solve them.
(just mho) Get yourself to a safe distance where the mood swings can't hit you. Just because someone was abused is no reason or excuse to be nasty or dump garbage onto you. And it does not help him (he will feel guilty about it later, and that just makes a bigger mess), and it may damage your feelings about him in the long run, too. What sets him off is not your problem . . . keeping the garbage off you is.
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You are not going to see this in a therapy book, but . . .
Something that sometimes helps is humor about this stuff . . . but you have to use this really, really, carefully. Back when I first told my business partner (he was also my Senior Officer in the Army) about it, he fell out of the chair laughing . . . "you were abused and that is why you are all FUed now?"
It stopped me cold for a second, and then I started laughing, too. We have had lots of serious talks since then, but that was a great start.
One day I was going on (and on, and on) about something. My girlfriend reached over with her thumbs and forefingers on both sides of my mouth and moved my lips up and down while saying, "I have s*cked d*cks" . . . (I was beaten and molested as a little boy). It stunned me for a second, and then we both started laughing and laughing. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
More recently, we had a daughter. My girlfriend obviously does not want much to do with her dad; he molested her as a little girl. In a letter from her stepmother sort of pleading his case to visit (the stepmother does not know about the abuse) she wrote saying how fond of little girls he is . . . . I read the letter aloud with all the improper intonations, so now all I have to do is say "he is very fond of little girls" and we start laughing.
It is sort of like that which you can laugh at can no longer control you, and no sane therapist in the world is going to laugh at this stuff, and sometimes I think only a close friend or partner can.