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#62983 - 11/23/04 08:47 PM New here-think my husband MIGHT be a survivor
twocatcondo Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/04
Posts: 1
If you would please read this, tell me if you think I might be right, and offer suggestions for what to do!

I'm 34, he's 42, married for almost 10 years, dated for 2 yrs before that. We have 2 daughters.

1.During dating he wasn't super interested in s*x, but seemed "normal" (whatever that is!). In marriage, s*x became less & less frequent, at his desire, not mine. By less frequent, I mean about two to six times per YEAR. When we finally do, it seems "normal" - again, whatever "normal" is. He usually apologizes that it's been so long, promises to be better in the future.

2.He generally represses feelings and emotions. He's difficult to "read." He's not very sensitive to social nuances, either. He's squeamish about body functions (s*x, bathroom stuff, and oh my, when I had babies, that almost undid him!). Now, he's also squeamish about foods, too, so this may be totally unrelated.

3.He dislikes being touched. If I sit next to him and rest a hand on his thigh, he'll wait a few minutes, squeeze my hand and put it back in my own lap. He pushes away from hugs after just a second or two, does not tolerate much touching or cuddling from the kids.

4.(Okay, this is sort of long, but stick with me). Recently something came out in the news about a guy charged with a crime after he had confessed it to people in his church. My husband seemed genuinely surprized that the church contacted authorities and said "I'm surprized they didn't just pray for him." I asked him a couple of questions and he got really agitated and brought up a case where a whole church knew about and protected a pastor who was perpetrating SA. I don't know if he was refering to a case in the news (heaven knows there are plenty), or maybe, just maybe, if it was a situation he himself had been in, know what I mean? I am a Christian and enjoy active involvement with a church and a Bible Study. He is very distrustful of churches and pastors.

So, it just sort of came to me that maybe all of this fit together. What do you think?

Thanks in advance for your help!

V


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#62984 - 11/24/04 01:20 AM Re: New here-think my husband MIGHT be a survivor
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
V
There's a lot of behaviours there that I recognise, both the sexual ones and the way he might be ....maybe ... probing your reactions to the 'news' of sex abuse within the church.

If he gets the reaction he wants from you then maybe he'll feel able to disclose abuse - if that's the case.
Many of us go for many years wanting to say something, but not feeling safe enough to do so. I didn't disclose for 31 years and after 25 years of marriage! That's how safe I needed to be.

About the only thing I can suggest is to show him you trust and believe him - and of course love him.
If he feels safe then he's more likely to talk.
Also, when you read something about abuse in the news maybe mention it casually, and show that you're on the side of the victim / survivor.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62985 - 11/24/04 02:40 AM Re: New here-think my husband MIGHT be a survivor
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
His behaviors sound very consistent with those of someone who was abused. It would not need to be sexual abuse. The only way that you will find out is to talk with him. Be honest with him. If he doesn't want to talk about it, let him know that you are there, drop the conversation, and give him some time.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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