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#62973 - 07/13/02 08:55 AM Where's have the partners gone???????
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Long time passing!
Been here for a year now and have heard from very few...if any... other survivors and partners! Are they pissed off and hiding??? Are they not told about this site??? Are they not for real??? What is the story here...over 800 members and...I maybe wrong..but just one survivor and his wife???????????? Who is hiding and who is hiding who? Can't a few of you members get your boyfriend, girlfriend, or wife to join...I like hearing from the other side...it's very helpful!!! Come on...let's hear why...go ahead and gross me out if you have to...but tell me where are they at...Graveyards???

Eddie


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#62974 - 07/13/02 10:10 AM Re: Where's have the partners gone???????
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Eddie
It has gone quieter here over the last week or so, maybe the discussion about partners posting on the male survivors forum has made them keep their heads down a bit ? hope not.
Anyway, that's sorted, with an excellent new guidance note at the index as well.

I'm like you, I enjoy the alternative view, or the one from over the kitchen table as I call it ;\) we miss so much if we just carry on with our macho thinking. They say it's good to get in touch with your feminine side, but I draw the line at shaving off my beard and leg waxing !!

My wife has started to look at the some of the stuff here now, maybe I'll give her a prod towards joining Babs and the others. She's been a tower of strength to me, but as usual I take that for granted. \:o

'later
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62975 - 07/13/02 09:46 PM Re: Where's have the partners gone???????
mrsunshineguy Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/02
Posts: 67
Loc: Texas
Hey Getteddie,

I just wandered in -- totally new here.

I (sort of) deal with this from both sides.
And it is time to deal with some of it.(again \:\) )

My old board -- supportpath.com -- has completely shut down its forums, so I was shopping for new sites, and came across this one.

But I will read through some of the boards here, to get more familiar, and we can chat all you would like. We only have our all lives to get better . . . and better.

See you.

Sunshine


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#62976 - 07/17/02 04:46 PM Re: Where's have the partners gone???????
sas Offline
Member

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 31
Loc: Chicago, IL USA
Hi everyone, I appreciate your encouraging partners, or in my case, as an ex-partner, to post their thoughts. It has been almost a year since my last posting - a miserable year at that. I learned a great deal about the impact and journey to wholeness that is unique to men who have been abused. I was SA as a child, I never imagined how many similarities and differences there are in the process.

My story is archived somewhere - starting in Feb 2001 through September 2001. Bottom line, my husband left me, told me that he believed "the ancient Greeks had it right" (having sex with many partners, though I pointed out that many of them were pedophiles) - along with some other heart-breaking comments. I have never been so emotionally devistated as when I sat across from him at the table and he insisted that he was 'fine' and just needed to live a life where he can sleep with whatever friends he wanted to, etc.

He was a jerk through the divorce - fought me over money & stuff (the things became very symbolic) and this after I supported him through medical school, etc.

Pretty awful stuff after 13 years together, and not very productive nor healing. I wish I had a success story to tell. The only thing I can cheer about is that it was critical for me to have someone to talk with, as we both went through his "conflicted identity crisis," and my counselor is a true God-send. Please, please, please encourage your partners to talk to someone (skilled and objective) about what they are feeling. I tried to fight the 'good fight' - but I lost. She helped me sort through my feelings while I supported him for 9 months as he languished...and as we divorced she was invaluable to my not'cashing everything in'.

Now I think that perhaps this was meant to be my journey into a new life. I took off my proverbial "rose-colored" glasses and looked my ex-husband in the eye and saw him for the man he is. I could be mean and talk about his narcissistic tendencies (fits with being a doctor too), but I'll hold back ;-) At least now, I am free of the 'daily emotional fileting' and unbearable stress of not knowing when he was going to take off. It's over and at least I have that bit of peace.

I have also met someone who is very patient and tender with me. He seems to cherish me in way my ex-husband never could - for whatever reason. I need to keep healing, I wish my ex-husband could have healed too.

Sorry for the 'dump'

- Stephanie


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#62977 - 07/17/02 07:47 PM Re: Where's have the partners gone???????
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Stephanie
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but your experience proves it takes two to tango.
And those of us who do get support from our partners are just so lucky, I try to repay my wife's support- not always successfuly I know.
But in the end we have to have to look after ourselves, and I mean that in the respect of you looking after yourself. Be proud of what you've done and be good to yourself in the future.
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62978 - 07/17/02 09:55 PM Re: Where's have the partners gone???????
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Stephanie
Thanks for coming back to tell us the rest of the story...hope that you stick around and do some posting!!! I know and understand the man's side of the Male SA thing but learning how the other side..The Partner.. sees is it is very important to me and should be to any male survivor with a partner!!! Your post last year about your old man deciding that he was gay and wanting to split to Frisco with all the money really helped me decide that I wasn't gay...which was driving me nuts!!! With all that you have learned by going through the whole thing...your replies would be invaluable to any thread that deals with saving relationships! Best of luck to you!

Eddie


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#62979 - 07/18/02 04:44 PM Re: Where's have the partners gone???????
sas Offline
Member

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 31
Loc: Chicago, IL USA
Hi Eddie,

Reading your response has made such a difference to me. The thought that maybe what I shared about my miserable situation has helped someone sort through his conflicted feelings - and find his soul's intent - helps make my dark-journey worth something. Thank you for sharing that.

I guess the biggest thing for me was learning about how important same sex relationships are - and I mean "relationship" not in a romantic way. I guess I had never really looked around to see that the men in my life really seem to lack soulful connections with other men - perhaps because of society's screwed up norms about men being these lone wolves - or whatever. But as humans, we desperately need connections with others, and let's face it, women are put together different(emotionally) than men, so having women friends won't cut it alone. Where can men turn to help them sort through all the crazy trials of adolescence, young adulthood, midlife and later on? It stinks that this natural, basic need is sometimes, awfully, "sniffed out" by predators who fundamentally betray another soul - not to mention mankind.

Since my blow up, I've talked to so many men who spoke of feeling isolated as they tried to figure out who they really are. They worried that these feelings of wanting a 'connection' with another man might mean they are gay. Wanting a connection with another man doesn't indicate anything about being gay, but rather, it indicates you are human.

As women, we are so fortunate because we naturally turn to each other to talk stuff out - figure out what all this crazy puberty stuff/changes are, get some basic questions answered like "how the hell do you wax your legs without crying?" This pattern goes way back to the days when women went into the cave/tent during their monthly cycle - they get to hang out for a week and chat up a storm! Emotions for my girlfriends run deep, but I know I still like men for my sex-life partners. I think women are just naturally more comfortable with it... kind of strange.

Guys need to have a guy-friend to talk with about real life stuff - and it's hard to find, especially when you've been hurt terribly before by a man...but it is vital to keep trying.

All I can say is that the journey is long, and I think many women/partners will stay with their husbands/partners - if they see the man they love taking a step a day - just one step each day - on the path to healing, to wholeness. It doesn't mean that occasionally you don't sit down on the path, fall in the rut, or even take a few steps to see what'sin the weeds on the side. But you have to show that your life matters enough to you to heal. Bottomline, that only comes through talking the "stuff" out with a trained therapist, perhaps complemented by forums such as this. The myth that men can do this on their own is pure crap - pure ego-driven crap. They need to get over it, quick. Hell, men will hire a golf pro to coach them on their golf swing, a guide to help them climb up a mountain, why not a therapist to coach them on their internal journey and discovery???? If this isn't worth it? What is??? (Can you tell I have some passion?) Don't drown in your own pool of narcissism - it's a crappy way to go ;-) Look up, and look around, reach out for healing.

Having had to heal meself from SA, I know how painful it is, how much it sucks, but god is it worth it - TRULY!!!!! I have days when some of my internal 'parts' get a little nutty (something triggers them), but I have found a way to be a mother to these younger parts of me - I work hard to not let them down - and they do test me.

Be a good dad to your younger, hurt parts. Find a way to hold them and rock them, hear their story, and tell their story. We all need to be held in love, and we are best able to hold ourselves that way.

Namaste,
Stephanie


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#62980 - 07/18/02 08:51 PM Re: Where's have the partners gone???????
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Steph'
I swear this is true- last night I was in a bar with my wife and family friends and I got "lost" for a while eavesdropping on the conversations around me, two groups - one male; one female, bad manners bur irresistable !
MEN. " 0 to 60 in 5.4 seconds...- what a goal...- look at the arse on her..- I'll have another beer..."
WOMEN. "I feel that if..- what should I do ?...-
but I've always thought that..."

The difference was staggering, and I don't suppost that for one minute we're going to change, but it did highlight the emotional and psychological support that women seem to share naturally and we dont.

I didn't share anything with another man until after I disclosed to my wife, and shortly after I told my best friend. A very tearfull and emotional event, and far more scary.
But we were both experiencing a hugely bad time, my abuse and his divorce from hell, so we would trade horror stories and cry buckets.
We are so close now that we have NO secrets at all, and it's the most liberating experience I have ever had. I can't really relate to his divorce and the problems with his kids and family, I have no kids and I remain married. Likewise he has no experience of SA, but we do agree on one thing, a pile of shit is a pile of shit, whatever colour it is, and support is vital.
I guess we're lucky to have found it by accidently getting past our macho stereotypes.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62981 - 07/24/02 12:19 AM Re: Where's have the partners gone???????
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
WOW,
There is no end to it ...1 out of 4 boys are SA before 18yo??? The US Goverment has got to get into helping the survivors!
I have told my wife that I was going to leave...at least 20 times in the last 2 years...don't want to now. But, who knows what tomorrow will bring...one day at a time is all I can do!!!!
Best time for you to do right now is to learn about SA males by reading up on lots and lots of these post...get and read some of the books they list here!!! You will be the best chance for him to recover but it will be very hard...best of luck..others will tell you more!

Eddie


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#62982 - 07/24/02 07:04 PM Re: Where's have the partners gone???????
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
helpmystephen
What can we say as survivors to a partner ? not much unfortunately, but don't let that put you off.
If you love him and are prepared for a very rough ride then stick with him if you can, but DONT take his problems and make them yours.

If you do then maybe two people will suffer more than necessary.
Offer support where you can, read the posts on the male survivors forum, it's better than most text books, we tell it like it is.
It's ugly and painful and we act like we don't care about anyone else but us for a lot of the time, but we actually do, we just haven't figured it out.

Let him trust you, don't be afraid of his confessions. If he's done terrible things then he was probably driven to it. We do crazy things when we're wounded.

Let him talk at his own pace, trust him as much as you love him. His trust has been shattered, show him what it means.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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