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#62969 - 07/18/02 12:42 PM Re: proper reactions/support for SA survivors
soccer Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 43
Eddie: no worries about your post - I actually started laughing when I read the part about "mood swings so low he doesn't even like you".. I laughed because this is SO TRUE!!! I can SO identify with that.. I swear I have cried my eyes out at least 4 times this week on account of remembering past fights, etc.

Thanks so much for your note - I need all the help I can get to believe that my BF really loves me. He just does some things that really mess with my head (he "says" he loves me but he acts so mean.. etc. etc..) and I get SO CONFUSED! The fact that I was raised with a father with similar characteristics makes it extra hard...

As far as my SO going after his perp - this one is not a legal case (I dont think he's quite ready for that yet) but rather a complaint to the teachers board - hopefully will get this jerk (who is now a principal at a catholic school!!) out of the classroom and away from kids FOREVER. However even this kind of complaint requires him to dig it all up again, talk to strangers about it, contact old people from his life, etc. Oh man I cannot imagine how hard it would be should this teacher rip apart my my BF, deny it, etc. etc. I think I'd literally throw up reading his reply. I'm glad he's sought therapy to handle this.

My bf has not really talked much about the "what ifs" My big fear is that the sh**head perp will go after my BF should he lose his job.. that would be a major nightmare. The guy sounds like a real piece of work, a real manipulator.

My SO is so low-key about it.. he really tries to hide his emotions a lot.. I just wish I had a better handle on how hard this was for him. He really doesnt let it show.. I wonder if that causes the mood swings even more I dont know.


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#62970 - 07/23/02 11:09 AM Re: proper reactions/support for SA survivors
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Hi All,

WOW! What a terrifically insightful thread. Where to begin...

The rollercoaster of emotions is very difficult for BOTH involved in the relationship. This is one thing my H has actually brought up when we start getting into issues in our relationship. He cannot handle the rollercoaster type feelings. It is just TOO much for him. I myself can't handle the pain of the roller coaster and would just rather get out of the relationship (most of the time). Why go on like this. But I suppose this last week answered that question. Finally, some real, tangible emotional discussion...some revelations about himself...that he shared. This is what I have been waiting for. Hopefully, there is more to come.

Babs- you truly amaze me. It is so clear how much work you two have done together...and apart. Whose stuff belongs to who, etc. Its great to be able to separate his stuff and KNOW/FEEL it has nothing to do with you. I get so wrapped up, I can't tell whose is what.

Eddie-your statement about lots of sex from the SO kind of scared me, because I find that him needing sex has nothing to do with me (sometimes) which completely turns me off. I don't want any party of it. It feels like being used, not a mutual act of love. This is an area I struggle with alot....and I know that he REALLY, REALLY wants sex ALOT. I can't give it under those circumstances. BABS...any insight? Sounds like you two have worked it out.

Thanks all for you openness and the great insight!
-AMiNUTS


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#62971 - 07/25/02 03:20 AM Re: proper reactions/support for SA survivors
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
soccer -

In your previous post # 8 you felt the need to clarify that your BF had not cheated on "you or anybody else." My comment about cheating in post #7 was just about my personal situation, not an implication of 'like' behavior by BF.

I was attempting in post #7 to address your statement in post #4:
Quote:
If anyone could help me put the sexual acting out part of SA in perspective that would be a MAJOR help to me - that he coudl be involved with so many people but still love me - that is so hard for me to understand.
This is my opinion ONLY, but I think you are mixing apples and oranges. You seem to be confusing (1)his sexuality with your desirability, (2)his obsessive compulsive SA-based pathology with his moral standards (based only on what he has expressed verbally to you).

THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK ON YOU OR HIM, but imho several "shadow issues" could yet surface. You seem to be able to separate and tolerate his SA triggered anger issues, but once you wander into the sexual areana, quite naturally, you lose your objectivity. Maybe your BF was spared some of the after-affects of SA that Getteddie and others on this forum have openly admitted because his abuse took place in his late teens. Maybe your boyfriend was lucky enough to have a well developed sense of himself as a "male" and that the abuse was NOT his first sexual experience. For Getteddie and others who was raped pre-puberty have EXTRA added confusion because their first sexual pleasure is forever linked to the sexual abuse. I sometimes wonder how I could have been so clueless about Getteddie's sexual nature for over 21 years. ** Actually I now realize he had built "a very strong & tall wall" from even himself **. The sexual addiction that continues to control him was a surprise to me. I know you believe the following statement, but....

Quote:
Its not even our "compatibility" right now thats a problem - we are pretty evenly matched as far as sex drive.
It may be that he minimizes his real obsession because (1) he is ashamed of the 'compulsion' or (2)he is afraid that the reality of his 'needs' will drive you away. Your BF obviously loves you very much to have opened up to you about such a sensitive issue. Build on that foundation, but be aware that you need to be strong & flexible because you are building in a relationship EARTHQUAKE zone

I know that I sound 'more together about sorting through issues' than is actually true. My capacity to understand the impact of SA from an intellectual standpoint FAR EXCEEDS my emotional reconciliation. I have just gotten to a point that I can't waste my limited energy fighting what IS unfair and am trying to focus on 'healthy ways' to accept and move forward.

Putting my soapbox away now,

Babs


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#62972 - 07/25/02 09:34 AM Re: proper reactions/support for SA survivors
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Hi Babs,

your quote:
"It may be that he minimizes his real obsession because (1) he is ashamed of the 'compulsion' or (2)he is afraid that the reality of his 'needs' will drive you away."

This is exactly what I THINK goes on with my H, but with no acknowledgement from his side. Unfortunately, it does creep me out. I am sure he knows it would. I am pretty conservative sexually. He is the only partner I have ever had (met when I was 15).

At one point in time, he actually admitted to being a sex addict, but recently he denied this altogether (even the fact that he said it). This was after I found out about the porn that he admitted the addiction. How do I encourage him to be open? Secrets are a trigger for me. I can't stand deception. I need to know how it is straight out or I go nuts (AMiNUTS).

I am sure my baggage is so mixed up in all this, but in order to move forward I think honesty is the key. How do I live with him if he refuses to get help because he thinks he doesn't need it? After reading everyone's posts here, I am convinced that it envelopes him so completely (even if he doesn't realize it).

Either Lloyd or Eddie said not to let his stuff be your stuff, but how do you not? It is all so intricately woven together. It ultimately impacts me and the relationship.

You also said:
"I know that I sound 'more together about sorting through issues' than is actually true. My capacity to understand the impact of SA from an intellectual standpoint FAR EXCEEDS my emotional reconciliation. I have just gotten to a point that I can't waste my limited energy fighting what IS unfair and am trying to focus on 'healthy ways' to accept and move forward."

So how DO you cope? My emotional resources are low and when we end up in the turmoil, I have a melt down. How do you distinguish and detach his stuff and go on unaffected or at least minimize the impact on you? What are your healthy ways and strategies to move forward?

Thanks much Babs!


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