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#62955 - 11/23/04 07:26 PM can anyone explain?
reesersgrl Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
My Fiance has been in and out of the house since I last posted. I found out where he was staying when he is not at home. It's exactly as I suspected and feared and I just don't understand it. Maybe someone can explain it to me. He is staying with an older gay man that he has known since he was a teenager. I have read some of the letters that this man wrote to my Fiance when he was younger. They were totally inappropriate in my opinion-- filled with inuendos etc. Now here lies the problem-- Bobby is filled with rage everytime ANY man even looks at him the wrong way. He has told me that this man acted inappropriately with teenagers in the past. So I just cannot understand why he is gravitating toward this person. I met the man only once and he just rubs me the wrong way. He caters to Bobby and its almost as if he has a crush on him. Am I just being overly sensitive and suspicious?
Another thing--My Fiance just recently changed his name legally. He said he wants nothing to do with the family that raised him and that the name given to him by his parents was the fourteen year old rape victim. Has anyone else had this experience? Thanks Vicky


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#62956 - 11/23/04 08:18 PM Re: can anyone explain?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Vicky,

If your fiancee were splitting his time between your house and another woman's house, what would you do?

If he still had old, inappropriate letters from her, what would you do?

Understanding why he is doing what he is doing, will not change the fact that he is doing it, with entire disrespect for a promise that he made to you.

So no, I do not think you are being overly sensitive.

Please, take care of yourself,
SAR


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#62957 - 11/23/04 09:16 PM Re: can anyone explain?
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
I want to express sympathy for your situation. It sounds very creepy and suspicious. When our partners do things that are inappropriate and cause us to have doubts about what their sexual intentions are it is extremely frustrating. My husband has some creepy family members that I used to just excuse or try to ignore the fact that I knew they had done some very sexually inappropriate and illegal things in the past (sounds like this older gay man has committed statutory rape? sex with minors?) but after 5 and a half years of marriage and my eyes finally opening up to the whole picture I have put my foot down and decided that I do not need to have sleaze in my life. I will not associate with humans who are slime. I'm still in a place where I don't feel I can associate with my husband if he has that slime in his life. He has agreed to cut a couple people out for the next 6 months while we go to therapy, etc., but I'm already nervous and freaking out about what happens at the end of the 6 months? He says he wants to just be nice to his dad because he thinks his dad's company is going to be making the big big bucks in the next couple years and "I'll be kicking myself" then when we aren't cut in. YUCK! I think his dad has led him on his entire life with material rewards. enough of my story, I'm just trying to say I think you have every right in the world to not want to associate with sleaze, slime, criminals, and to not want your husband to associate as well, ESPECIALLY when it looks like there are sexual intentions all over the place. Women are NOT STUPID. We KNOW when a situation is just wrong.


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#62958 - 11/30/04 12:08 AM Re: can anyone explain?
reesersgrl Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Wow! Thanks for your input guys. It just confirms that everything I've been thinking is NOT crazy. All the excuses about WHY he is there are just that--excuses.I've been letting inappropriate behavior slide, because "he's going thru so much". I'm really tired of living this abnormal life. I'm tired of living for my Fiance. Every damn thing is ALL ABOUT HIM!! On top of dealing with all this abuse stuff, he's rude, he's insecure, he's jealous, antisocial, disassociated and he's so UNTRUSTING and suspicious.ARRRGGHHH!!! I KNOW thats all part of it. It's just so frustrating. I'm sick of feeling guilty because I want something NORMAL!!!! I want to get out, but at the same time, I don't want to.....


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