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#62893 - 11/20/04 07:25 AM What to do?
Kiara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 6
Loc: Australia
Hi I'm new and i just needed some advice,
My boyfriend recently told me that he was abused at the age of 7 and it cintinued for two years.
His perpetrator made him do things to him, he gambles, drinks and takes drugs,what's a good way to bring it up to him, he has said that he wants to move forward and I want to help as much as I can how can I talk to him about the therapy side of things?
I don't know what to do please help!
Thanx


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#62894 - 11/20/04 02:47 PM Re: What to do?
FastForward Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/04
Posts: 188
Loc: US
Kiara - For him, therapy with someone qualified in this issue is definitely a good way to go. Also, getting help with the drinking and drugs. But you also have to take care of yourself and know your boundaries. It is difficult but rewarding to stand by someone who has been through this. But you have to be careful not to lose yourself. Best wishes.

_________________________
FastForward

L&P - always.

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#62895 - 11/20/04 11:32 PM Re: What to do?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kiara
Thanks for caring for another Survivor, we need support.
We might not always appreciate it at the time, and we might not thank 'you' for it either.
But if we get support and help, and love, then we heal much faster.

Its often said that we wont be pushed into therapy or accepting any kind of help, we were abused by force and coercion so we react against any king pushing.
It seems as though we only get help when WE decide it's time to get it.

But if he's talking about it, seize the moment and support him in his decision.
If he's a bit reluctant to talk, then gently ask him if he will talk a bit. If he wont, then I would say leave him until he's ready. Just let him know that you believe him, and trust him.

Sometimes we do need a bit of a push, but I think it's got to be finely judged by you guys. We can retreat into our hole in the ground very rapidly.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62896 - 11/21/04 07:18 AM Re: What to do?
Kiara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 6
Loc: Australia
Thanks for replying, it's hard and sometimes I don't know what to do, I just cry and wonder how these people can rob a child of their innocence. All i want to do is hold him all the time and not let go!
Ringing around for places here in australia I have found that there are not many resources for male survivors, which makes it harder! But I'll keep trying I've told him that we'll get there together!
I hope we do!


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#62897 - 11/21/04 11:21 PM Re: What to do?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi Kiara,

Quote:
he has said that he wants to move forward
I heard this from my boyfriend right after he disclosed to me too-- and it meant two different things.

First it meant that he realized he was not in a good place, that he needed to make some changes in his behavior and thoughts, and even if he wasn't sure how all the pieces fit together, he thought that the place he was stuck in had something to do with his CSA. He describes it as something just "clicking" in his head-- all of the sudden he didn't WANT to drive dangerously, or tell lies, or neglect his health. He did need some encouragement, but not in the form of being reminded or nagged-- mostly he just wanted me to notice when he did it for himself.

The second thing it meant was, he wanted to stop thinking about his abuse and get on with life as usual. After he disclosed to me, I could think of little else at first-- but he'd already been thinking and worrying about it for weeks! He was relieved and worn out after talking to me, and also worried that my view of him would change. It was very important to him that we spend a lot of time away from heavy conversation. Probably the best and most important support I gave him during this time was just being the same loving, fun person I'd been before.

It took him quite a while to get into therapy, but he did it by himself, for himself-- with a few kicks in the butt from me ;\) But really, he has done a lot of healing very quickly, and I'm convinced that it's because his healing has been self-directed.

Take care of yourself, Kiara, it's normal for you to have some strong emotions of your own. This board is a good place to work those out.

SAR


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#62898 - 11/21/04 11:22 PM Re: What to do?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
But I'll keep trying I've told him that we'll get there together!
:) \:\) \:\) \:\) \:\) \:\) \:\)

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62899 - 11/24/04 07:29 AM Re: What to do?
Kiara Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 6
Loc: Australia
Thankyou to those who have replied it's helped me just knowing that there is support out there and this site is an amazing support network for everybody, and it is very beneficial to me and I'm sure it will continue to be \:o )


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