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#62879 - 11/19/04 12:33 AM Very Long.. Please Read
wifenmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/18/04
Posts: 1
The Story:
My husband and I have been married for three 1/2 years, together for four 1/2. I am 7 months pregnant. I just found a bunch of empty liquor bottles and porn that he had hidden and I'm really at my wits end.
My husband suffered extensive abuse as a child. His father was an alcoholic, both parents used drugs and were into all kinds of occult practices. His mother committed suicide and he found her on two of her attempts. People were brought into the home that abused him in every way possible. I just don't have enough time or space here to list all of the horrible things that were done to him, what he was told about himself, how he was not fed, left for a week at a time before he was not even yet a teen to care for his younger sister and hunt for their food.
When he first met I, of course, had no idea about all of this. I knew some basics before we were married, but half of his memories didn't come back up until after we had been married for a year or so.
Sex with him, if I let it go his way, was always dark. He would wet the bed. He drank way too much and would become mean and hurtful. He was using drugs behind my back and drinking even more than I knew. Eventually I got him to open up to me (about 2 1/2 yrs ago) and things have been much better: no bed wetting, more honesty, less drinking, kinder, etc. It wasn't all at once, but sort of happened over time. Anyway, here's where we are today:

Since we found out that we have a child coming (a son) he has been strong enough to stand up to his family regarding all of this - including his father. I know that he wants so badly for things to be healthy and normal with us.
He went through a bad withdrawl when he stopped drinking entirely (a very recent thing) so I really want to believe him when he says that these bottles were just left behind. We hardly ever have sex now b/c he says that he has a hard time keeping it bright and loving. We have never been able to have a normal sex life, but I have been okay with that b/c I knew that things were slowly getting better. My fear is for my child now. Is my husband drinking again? How do I trust him when he has given me so many reasons not to.. this is not the first time I've found bottles, but it is the first time since I actually watched him suffer the withdrawl.
and what is the deal with the porn? I have no real problem with pornography w/in a happy, healthy relationship, but when it is instead of that relationship I get worried. Am I overreacting? and how do I convince him that I can be trusted with the truth when I don't trust him 100%?


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#62880 - 11/19/04 01:52 AM Re: Very Long.. Please Read
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
wifenmom,

Wow, there is a lot in your post, I don't know if I can address it all at the moment, but I will say a few things:
Quote:
I know that he wants so badly for things to be healthy and normal with us.
He went through a bad withdrawl when he stopped drinking entirely (a very recent thing) so I really want to believe him when he says that these bottles were just left behind.
Honestly, that does not sound to me like you DO believe him... just that you want to believe.

Lots of people in the world want to believe the best of their spouses, brothers, sisters, educators, religious leaders... but it really takes courage to stand up and insist on the truth, even when it is not what we'd like to believe. Convincing ourselves that what we'd like to be the truth IS the truth takes a lot of energy and ends up hurting people.

None of us knows if your husband is drinking again. You and he are in the best position to know. What does it mean for him to be drinking, or to stop drinking? Is his drinking a deal breaker for you? Is his lying about his drinking a deal breaker? You don't have to answer me, I just think that if you are worried about this as an ongoing problem, you should consider what it means to you.

Quote:
how do I convince him that I can be trusted with the truth when I don't trust him 100%?
It might help to be honest with him-- even about your not trusting him 100%. You certainly have a better shot at getting him to trust you this way than if you tell him you trust him and he senses that you are lying.

Pregnancy is hard on everyone involved, including dads to be. I don't know where you are or what kind of prenatal care you're getting, but many midwives and even pediatricians will be happy to help you or your husband work out any fears you have about parenting or your relationship after baby-- just find someone you trust. It was my pediatrician that first got my mother into rehab when we were kids.

Take care of yourself and your precious cargo,
SAR


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#62881 - 11/19/04 04:06 AM Re: Very Long.. Please Read
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Honesty is important. Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Try to honestly relay what is actually bothering you. Remember, feelings about specific things change under different circumstance. Both your and his feelings will vary at any given time. SAR is right. Tell him that finding the bottles is bothering you. Make him want to come to you with things rather than hide them (if he is). I know that I wouldn't want to be in a relationsheip where I have to hide things from the person who I love and loves me. That is just false logic to me. Sex varies for everyone. I don't know what you mean by dark. I don't know what you mean by normal either. It is what you consider acceptable to you. It has to do with boundaries. There are many types of sex including making love. I don't know very many people who always make love. Actually, I can't think of any.

Make sure that you take care of yourself. Set your boundaries. Hold to them. If his behavior is unacceptable, let him know, but also explain why.

Good luck.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#62882 - 11/20/04 11:52 PM Re: Very Long.. Please Read
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
I know that I wouldn't want to be in a relationsheip where I have to hide things from the person who I love and loves me.
Mike's absolutely right, living a life of lying and cheating, of hiding our dysfunctional behaviours ISN'T what we really want to do.

But it's something we can do all to easily.
Why? well for me it was a lack of trust. Even after 25 years of marriage I thought that I didn't have the trust of my wife.

The reality was that I didn't trust myself, and neither did I trust my perception of how my wife trusted ( and loved ) me.
Since I was a boy, from the abuse onwards, I lost my sense of trust. I had suffered the biggest betrayal imaginable so it's no wonder I ( we ) grew up doubting everyone.

When I disclosed I found that my wife did actually trust me, and as I disclosed more and worked my through my problems with therapy she was still there trusting and loving me. That was an unkown experience to me, and took some getting used to.
Of course there were boundaries set between us along the way, and that was a product of the two way trust that developed.

Create a trusting environment, even if has to be one-way at this stage for the sole purpose of getting things started. That way there will be something for him to build on as he learns what benefits trust can give him.
Make him trust you, or rather 'allow' him to trust you, and this will surely follow.

Quote:
Make him want to come to you with things rather than hide them (if he is).
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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