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#62856 - 06/14/02 11:42 AM This has been a long haul
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Hello,
I am so tired of this journey. To make a long story short, been married to hubby for 14 years and been together 21 yrs (together as teens). Anyway, found out 4 years ago he was raped as a child (from 11-13 yrs of age)repeatedly. He told me because he thought someone would tell me first. 3 years ago, found out he was heavily into online porn which he lied about and denied until I came up with hard "evidence." We have been in marriage counseling for over a year now and little has changed in regards to his shedding his armour that protects his emotions. He denies that the abuse has had any impact on his marriage, but interestingly all my childhood issues (alcoholic household) have a profound impact on our marriage (according to him).. While I have been working on my issues with during marriage counseling, he refuses to acknowledge even to himself that there is a possibility that the abuse has profoundly impacted his life. He read the book "abused boys" did some work on his own for a few weeks and claims that he worked on it and it is behind him. After 11 months of therapy, I finally was at the end of my rope. The therapist had no idea about the abuse, the porn or his pot smoking. I said I am out of this marriage unless you go to therapy and address these issues (the elephant in the room). The therapist said she would keep these things in mind and call him on things when she felt it was an issue relating to these things, but not too much progress has been made. I believe that he has NO idea how this has impacted his life and his relationships, especially with me. I want out, but we have kids. ON the otherhand, I could stay (as separated) to raise the kids, but I don't know that that is a good idea. His dysfunction extends into hisparenting which causes great comflict in our marriage. While I try to be a good parent, he is most concerned with his children always liking him. He aims at being a best friend which I feel is VERY different from a good parent. Sometimes the consequences of doing what is best for them is that they temporarily hate you. That is the way it is. Anyway, I just can't stand this anymore. Would love to hear from you with advice, support, or similiar stories to share. His denial makes me feel like I am going nuts, but in my heart I know I am right.

Thanks for the ear (eyes) ;\)


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#62857 - 06/14/02 06:19 PM Re: This has been a long haul
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Dear AMiNUTS,
I went through the same thing at the same age and know how your husband feels. He wears his denial like armor...he feels that he has to...to stay alive. What he really needs is to open up to a good therapist who has experience with Male Childhood SA...he needs a good Pdoc-M.D. to give him some good meds...the meds will help stop this porno crap...worked for me...took two years though. He will always have part of him that is the abused little boy but he needs to learn to control that little boy...can't ever do this by himself...a little boy being raped for years...really gets screwed up..BIG TIME!!!! Most don't live as long as he...that's why they call us survivors...most kill themselves, go to jail or the nut house, or abuse kids themselfs! If he is alive, free, and not abusing...he is 80% there...just needs 20% more help to have a real life!!!! You are the most important person to him...you have to get him to a good therapist so he can open up and start the recovery. You will have to find your own therpist to help you put up with him...get one now!!!! You have to be strong to help him!!! If he won't go for help...you may have to split but he doesn't sound any stranger then me or lots of guys HERE... that are getting help and trying to recover and stay with their wives and family!!! Have him come here and do some reading...you should start at the begining and read "ALL" the Post yourself...will give you a good education about your husband and what you can do to try to get him started on the road to recovery...read your butt off...than ask questions!!! We will be glad to answer them! He may want to check us out...a few of our members say this is like a porno site...he may like it!!!!!!!!!! I hope "YOU".... All the luck in the world with him...you will need it...it's like a war that you will have to fight!

Eddie


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#62858 - 06/14/02 09:05 PM Re: This has been a long haul
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
AMiNUTS
Eddie's said it all..............
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62859 - 06/14/02 09:25 PM Re: This has been a long haul
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
You should meet my wife. You and she would get along great. Only advice from me, a survivor of clergy abuse from 8 years old, father of three boys, married for 12 years, is trust him. I am having a hard time moving along this road of healing without my wife's trust. Even though I've been monogamous for 14 years with her, she still remembers my acting out from before I committed to her. (committed is such a strong word...) I was / am in the same boat as your husband is, from what I can tell. My wife has no patience with me, thinks I have a "cold" and should be able to "get over it". If your husband had cancer (heaven forbid), you would be patient, and support him through everything, right? If he had to go to chemotherapy, you would go with him, make his appointments, and help him recover. IMHO, survival of sexual abuse by males needs the same kind of support from those who have been able to stay close. That's just my opinions, I wish my wife would listen to them, like you are now. Thanks.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#62860 - 06/15/02 03:46 AM Re: This has been a long haul
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
AMiNUTS -

My name is Babs. I'm Getteddie's wife. We've been married almost 23 years. We have a 13 YO daughter. Not that things were perfect before, but the last 2 years particularly have been "the roller coaster ride from HELL". My 21st wedding anniversary present was a 'broken heart'. I went into the computer history looking for an address of a site I'd been at earlier that day. Found many porn entries and a yahoo email account that he had set up secretly. Guessed the password, in some ways, I wish I hadn't tried. Found an email from my husband talking about a sexual experience with the receipient, another male, and how he was looking forward to their next session. Over the next few days, weeks and months I was introduced to Getteddie, a man I was married to, but did NOT KNOW. His childhood SA memories, repressed for 40 years, had returned as flashbacks.

We have been through alot in the past 2 years, he has made some "real" progress, but I've come VERY VERY close, especially recently, to calling it quits. The one thing that has kept me PUT is our daughter. A recent bit of light reading, DIVORCE BUSTING by Michele Weiner-Danis, has provided a few insights for me.

-->> "When children are involved, there is no such thing as divorce". It will only create an emptiness that never goes away.

-->> Countless divorced couples continue to battle over the very same issues they believed they were leaving behind when they walked out the door -- learning too late that the act of divorce does not free them from their ex-spouse's emotional grip.

-->> Battles over parenting issues don't end with divorce, they get played out even more vigorously with children as innocent bystanders or even pawns.

One thing that has helped me has been seeing a therapist. Not just in marriage counseling, but a therapist to provide me with insights to my own behavior and desires. I have tried WAY TOO MUCH to fix his behavior or make him happy ,known as co-dependency. As I have gained a healthier outlook I now realize that "He is the only person that can make him happy or change his behavior." I still backslide into my old habits and try to tell him what to do instead of looking out for my own mental health/and our daughter's mental health.

This struggle has had some very positive impacts. I KNOW that I love him very much. I KNOW that he loves me very much. We have developed a level of sharing and intimacy that did not exist before. Getteddie is an amazing man to have survived such brutality and still be such a good person. He is not always a nice person or good husband & father.

I believe that many of his bigger steps in recovery have been the result of my decisions not to tolerate certain aspects of his 'bad' behavior. About 6 months into our journey I found that he was back on the internet 'looking for love in all the wrong places.' He said he was just playing games with these people and was not seriously attempting to find other sexual partners, but at that point I had to make it very clear that I would not accept certain behaviors.

<<-- NO SEX OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE. I had not stated this obvious rule after the discovery of the infidelity. Accepting the 'acting out' as a symptom of his PTSD has been hard enough. The marriage WILL NOT SURVIVE another "breach of trust."

<<-- HE COULD NO LONGER VENT HIS ANGER ON THE FAMILY. No matter how I understand why he has so much anger and rage the destructive nature of verbal abuse was killing us.

The anger issue is still causing problems because old habits die hard. Long standing patterns of verbal abuse which I attributed to growing up with a 'piss poor' male role model have been fueled by the SA rage.

You need to get a good therapist who can offer some perspective to your situation. If you think you cannot afford this help consider that the alternative *of dissolving the marriage* will cost a hell of a lot more. You MUST get and stay mentally healthy for your children and husband.

Take Care,
Babs


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#62861 - 06/17/02 09:58 AM Re: This has been a long haul
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Thanks SOOOOO much for your replies!
These responses of shared experiences is amazing. It helps reinforce that I am not nuts and that this is really happening. A few great points were made. 1) regarding trust. I feel I cannot trust him and I can't get over that. As far as I am concerned (which he obviously denies) is that the extensive porn use WAS a breach of trust and fidelity as far as I am concerned. I know he can't stand that I don't trust him but there is a continuous cycle that revolves around his behaviors of not being open which I translate into being secretive. THen I feel extreme distrust. 2) The issue of support through cancer. I had breast cancer twice. First time at 24 then again at 32. THe porn stuff after that was deeply hurtful given that I have had a two mastectomies. His further denial of it not being a big deal to me is just unacceptable.To this day, he still cannot FEEL that it wasn't ok. He doesn't seem to genuininely feel that he is sorry. While he says he is sorry, I think he is sorry to have been caught. When he says he is sorry, it is more like "get off my back" instead of sorry. He doesn't seem to genuinely feel many things and I can see very clearly that there is a huge difference between the words he speaks and the absent emotions.
As for therapy. I do go on my own to our therapist and last week was one in which I was alone. I discussed this issue and asked if I was on track with my beliefs about the aftermath of his abuse. Well, you all know the answer. I talked with him about it and again he denies the impact. I made it very clear that I am so unhappy in this marriage and one of the reasons that I hang on is because I feel sorry for him. I know the abuse has profoundly impacted him in ways that he does not realize. About six months ago, when I informed the therapist (with him there) that I want these issues addressed. I said if he didn't go into therapy, I was out of here. Well, he didn't go (the therpist said she would address these issues) and here I am..still unhappy, distressed and staying in it for the kids.
Eddie- you make a very important point...He too never thought he'ld live past 30...now past 40. That was something I didn't understand. How could anyone say that...especially with a wife who had cancer who could die. Now I understand. Thanks!
Babs-You point out all the reasons why I am still in the marriage (physically-not emotionally) I know that it would impact the children in ways that I can't even realize at this time. I also know that the problems will not go away. While I could parent as a partner (together or apart) he would continue the passive agrressive behaviors that would not allow for a good relationship in raising the children. What kills me though, is that I have become codependant because of this. That really burns me. I suggested this weekend that we legally seperate. Split the finances, live in the same home (in different bedrooms) come up with some kind of formal agreement and see if we can raise the kids as a team (but not married). Well, needless to say that doesn't go over well. "How will that look to the kids." Is his response.
Orondo-does your wife come to this board? I am sorry that you think she doesn't listen. She may just be so tired with all the behaviors that results from abust that she can't deal with it herself. Thinking you have a "cold" is easier to deal with than the abuse. The impact goes way beyond what most of us can even imagine. If she is not already visiting here, maybe you can suggest it to her. I would love to talk to her as well. I think we probably share alot of similar feelings and struggles as Babs pointed out. I will do the same for my husband-suggest he come here. Maybe it will be a first step to get him to therapy on his own. He claims that therapy isn't "his cup of tea." But as my therapist pointed out, its probably way to frightening for him to look at. At this point, I see no other way.

Thanks for all your posts. I appreciate the openness in all you have said. Openness is something that I am not use to having been in this relationship for 21 years. He thinks sharing feelings is telling me he tried yogurt and didn't like it. He claims to share everything with me...but I know he doesn't fully understand what that means. Thanks again.


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#62862 - 06/17/02 04:51 PM Re: This has been a long haul
concerned Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/17/02
Posts: 7
I am in desperate need of help. I've searched the web for 4 hours for help and found you and thought that being survivors, maybe you can give me some insight.

I believe my nephew is being abused by his step father.

There are many small incidences that I have questioned over 9 years and a couple of days ago my 9 year old nephew has been accussed of sexually molesting kids his own age on his new street.

My problem is my sister thinks I'm crazy and has now cut me off from the family because I have no proof. She is unconcerned with the neighborhood kids accusation because she feels that it was an accident when they were wrestling. 1 child said that my nephew did this to 3 boys in the neighborhood but the other two denied it.

I am one of five children and my other sister and brother just feel that our brother-in-law is just "creepy", "too perfect"

My own son (age 4) has acted differently around this man and does not want to be with him unless I am there. When asked, my son's response "I don't want to talk about it" after my persistant questions to my own child, my son lied to me, said he broke something and got in trouble. When I confronted my brother-in-law he said that my son had peed on his door and he yelled at him kiddingly. There are many "little" things that just don't add up.

About two years ago, I expressed my concerns to my brother-in-law and have kept my children away from him and have never left him alone with them. My brother has done the same with his children.

Everytime I have brought this up, I am outcasted by my family for accusing such a "great" guy of such horrible things.

My concern is my sister is ignoring this. I have seen this man hit my nephew very hard across the face for calling me by my first name and not starting it with "aunt XXX" My nephew begged me not to tell my sister, because he said she would make him go away, but I did, and her response was to leave ALONE!! and leave her children with him! I don't get it.

I know that my brother-in-law can be very good to my nephew, my parents think he is great.

I just have this bad gut feeling that something is not right. I don't know what to do.

No one in my family is taking the accusations from the neighborhood boys seriously.

I wish she would just take him to counseling.

I also wanted to mention that my brother-in-law was abused as a child. He was removed from the home and lived in many foster homes. I am aware of the severe physical abuse he has suffered but not sure if he was ever sexually abused. My sister has even questioned if I thought he was gay about a year ago.

I don't know where to go or what to do now, any suggestions would be great.

Now I feel that I brought this up to her again, she told my nephew that I was trying to take him away from them. And my brother-in-law says that I am putting ideas in my nephews head. I feel like I just gave them an "out" and even if my nephew does come forward they will just say it was because of my craziness.

Now what should I do? How can I protect my nephews or find out if they DO need protecting?


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#62863 - 06/17/02 07:45 PM Re: This has been a long haul
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Concerned
It's a hell of a problem, and only those concerned will find the answers.
I had a concern over some kids a while back and asked for help on the "MALE SURVIVORS" forum, it's still there under "LIAR LIAR" maybe there's some help there, have a read.
What I did was quietly alert the right people, the schools welfare people etc, these people have ways of keeping an eye out for the warning signs that most people don't recognize.
When it's family and your concerns have already been voiced it's going to be hard, but never feel guilty about trying to protect a child.
Have a look at the posts on this site, this is the result of abuse.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62864 - 06/17/02 09:58 PM Re: This has been a long haul
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
No my wife won't come here. It's not her issue to work out. She didn't sign up for this when we got married...

This is a tough situation to be in about the nephew and the step father...I am speechless...

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#62865 - 06/18/02 03:50 PM Re: This has been a long haul
AMiNUTS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Orondo,

I appreciate your statement that its your issue to work out and yours alone and that she didn't sign on for it. I just told him (as a reply to his request "what else can I do" to help our marriage). I said that I 'insist" that you go to couseling on your own.

I think he takes the position what I don't really know as his wife, isn't really happening in his head and heart. I can just FEEL its not right and hasn't been for a very long time.

Thanks much!


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