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#62759 - 04/25/02 07:58 PM Re: I am seeking advice
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Karina
We sure as hell are mixed up, and it only becomes apparent as we start our recoveries.
Maybe I'm generalizing a bit there- I don't know, but during my recovery I've worked hard and read what I can, and talked to others. I've made a point of being active in order to find out what the hell goes on between my ears.
My personal experience was one of 31 years of denial and silence, not a word to anyone. And telling my wife just before our 25 wedding anniversary opened such a can of worms I can barely believe.
I nearly walked out, I nearly took the ultimate walk, but somehow I clung on.
I guess it was realising my wife was possibly my only hope. but with hindsight ( such a wonderful thing ! ) I realise it was mutual trust. About the only thing we had left somehow.
Since telling her I've needed space,and some days I just call in sick to work and spend the day inside my head, I walk, sit in the chair, cry, sing along to the stereo, anything- but I work things out that only I can work out, and when I feel it is right I share my thoughts with her.
I guess what I'm saying is keep offering love and support, be prepared for shocks, and if you can possibly do it stand by him even though the shocks might be bigger than you think.
My favourite songwriter Tom Waits wrote "We do crazy things when we're wounded"
And we do, I did. And that was the cause of my fear, a fear like I have never known, if she knew what I had done, not so much the abuse but my "acting out" as an adult, I believed everything I ever had would be gone in an instant. And that frightened me.
I took the gamble and won, maybe your husband is still weighing up the odds.
I was lucky with therapy, I found an excellent charity that provides therapy for adult victims of SA only, so I got someone who was dedicated to the cause, and fully understood my situation. But I do read some horror stories about crummy therapists, so beware.
Fenics suggestion of encouraging him to get reassurance is absolutely right, and if he feels like it then this forum is as good as it gets.

Stay in touch- stay cool
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62760 - 04/26/02 12:50 AM Re: I am seeking advice
Karina Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/08/02
Posts: 6
Loc: Melb, Australia
Dear Lloydy,
Thank you for your honesty and insight. I really do appreciate it right now.
I am trying incredibly hard to stay focused and positive for him. He is doing alot of reading too and some self help stuff, but he is seeing little progress, so is very negative and thinks he will never get better.
Hence why he thinks he can't be with me, for he thinks he will "hurt" me more or "hurt" me because he is mentally unstable.
I do not totally understand, for I would be like you and want that person to be around me. But I am trying so hard not to take it personally and so continue to support him.
I just wish he did not choose to be so far away. And I cannot make him understand that "his leaving me is not doing me a favour"....
It is very difficult to be objective.
He does not have a good counsellor. Where he is, it is very difficult for him to find one. I feel in a way that I have become his counsellor. (I too am an abuse survivor)....so I am trying to encourage him with the things that I did and have been through.
I just need insight from a man's viewpoint. So once again, thank you. I appreciate your insight.
Take care,
Karina


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#62761 - 04/26/02 09:36 PM Re: I am seeking advice
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Karina
Personally I found that self help was no help, not until I sought and found decent help from my therapist. For over 30 years I thought that I was smart enough to figure my way out of the torment, strong enough to stop acting out, but I was wrong. I needed my supporters, therapy ( and again I say how lucky I was to find a therapist who solely dealt with SA ) my wife and my best friend Steve.
The feelings of being able to deal with it myself were strongest after acting out or any other of the behaviours so many of us seem to have been left with,( there's a surprise ! ) but it didn't last long and soon decended into the cycle of "indulging a little fantasy" and feeling bad. Feeling bad and using stronger fantasy to feel better. Feeling worse and acting out..... the list goes on.
I know we're all different and I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to hand out advice, all I tell you here is my male perspective based on my experiences, but I guess you have to ask yourself how much can you do for someone so far away ?
My friend Steve and I "cheer" each other up some days, he tells me about his horrendous divorce from a mad alcoholic and I tell him about my SA, it usually ends in tears !!
But we do tell each other repeatedly that "sometimes you just have to be fucking selfish " and we don't mean being mean and nasty to others, just making sure that we look out for ourselves sometimes. Something everyone should think about- as often as it takes.
Take care, be cool
lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62762 - 04/27/02 01:51 AM Re: I am seeking advice
Karina Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/08/02
Posts: 6
Loc: Melb, Australia
Lloydy,
Once again, thank you for your candour. The ultimate question, is "how much can I help him from this distance?" But my hands are tied to do anything else.
It is almost impossible for him to find a counsellor.
I am torn between being selfish and telling him to "fuck off" and being selfless and "thinking that I am his wife, so I should stand by him".....it is a dilemma.
I'm tired and lonely and I need support.
But somehow I keep going.
Thanks again mate.
Karina
p.s Please take care......


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#62763 - 04/27/02 08:26 PM Re: I am seeking advice
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Karina
I guess you have to figure out where your support is, your friends and family, and ultimately your husband- and is it enough to keep you going ?
I do think of myself first now, it's up to me to keep my sanity. And if I do that then I hope I'm a better, or at least an easier person to live with as far as my family and friends are concerned. It might sound a perverse argument but I believe that to be the case.
Support is a two way deal, and I know my wife wouldn't be sat by me here if I didn't give something in return, if I didn't she would have crashed and burned a long time back. Or thrown me out on my arse !
I'v just re-read the earlier post from Babs, and I guess she says it all from a wife's perspective, I can see my wife there as well. As Bab's says, Goals, rules and frameworks need to be established- hey, we're going to break them alright- but they provide a kind of circle of protection for everyone involved, and when we break them and want to get back on track they're there, it doesn't matter what they are but for me our little rules are something to aim for, or something to cling to !!
Don't go under from sorting someone else out who ain't giving something worthwhile back, either to himself or you.
think hard- stay cool
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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