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#62702 - 11/16/04 05:26 AM MIA - update
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
All,
spent a week in the crayola wing after trying to kill myself. Ends up in a lawsuit with hospital for mistreatment of me and 2 other in patients. Blatant abuse of patients, documented by docs -- first meetings begin the first 2 weeks of December -- they did not know I am personal friends with Director of Hospital and several Board members.
Husband asked me to move into home again but not as man and wife, only because he found out how exactly dangerous situation I have been living in for 3 years. Apartment broke into, attacked and Life threatened. His motivation total guilt -- I refused to accept false offer.
Day released from crayola wing, found out my dad that abused me for so many years had less than 20 % chance of survival of heart surgery -- he had aortic pump placed, then 2 days later an ICD/ DEFIB -- he's home and will again out live me.
My health down hill again -- am going in for lumbar steroid tommorrow as insurance is so fucking stupid -- Bad heart Echo, now have same as my adoptive dad calcification around aortic valve (maybe slim chance for pump myself?) - tricuspid leak, mitral valve leak worse....Doc wont give results of CT scan of legs and Illiacs over phone so is bad -- both carotids again blocked over 90%, dont know where or how Cardio will attempt any if any repairs? (this is throat slit ear to ear #2)
Husband went to attny found out that he would have to pay big bucks due to my disability, wants divorce still but says "maybe in 3 - 4 months will change mind" -- stopped him cold said end it now its been 3 years apart. Wont fight him for anything -- only want stuff I brought to marriage to go to my girls (basically everything except new fridge).... Daughters have both left him.

Last thing he says to me "I will make sure your ashes get spread where you want them." -- I had remained calm until that, then informed him will was being changed as we spoke, he was not to attend even my memorial -- will assure guns there to enforce my wishes and my ashes will now be spread some where even better ---
Pray to God I die this time for permanent cannot handle anymore -- he has begun a sex change process ?????? ---- all supported by his therapist and his sex addict group -- I knew eventually it was coming....

"As for you my galvanized friend, you want a heart! You dont know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. I could have been a world figure, a power among men, a - a a successful wizard, had I not be obstructed by a heart."

Wizard
From the Wizard of Oz and Sammy
May you all find Peace


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#62703 - 11/16/04 04:36 PM Re: MIA - update
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Sammy,

First of all, know how glad I am that you're still with us. I've been fighting the urges as well, and believe me when I say, no matter WHAT the COA and the world throws at us, it isn't worth throwing away that which WE can't create. Preachy? Hoky? Yep, but there's truth in it.

Reading what you've been through in such a short time, well, I can understand how unbearable it feels. I hope you return to read this because I'm going to tell you something. Perhaps something very important. I think so, anyway.

I wonder if you know how many lives you've touched for the better. I wonder if you know how good a person you are, and how thoroughly undeserving of the s**t you've gotten. I wonder still if you realize how important you are to people like me, who've gotten another dose of wind to get through another day from you.

Sammy, I can't rightly say why things happen as they do. I go from cursing God for bringing me into this thoroughly f**ked up world (I'm cleaning this up a little for everyone else - I KNOW you appreciate my salty language!) to praising Him for giving me the strength to help other people. We, all of us, certainly don't deserve the abuse, the hurt, the utter unfairness we've received. But, and this is probably a sadomasochistic view of looking at it, I believe our character is shown for what comes out of the crucible life is. That's all that life is, you know. A crucible. A tempering furnace for the soul we have. And it isn't God that stokes the fire that hurts us. That's Satan, the nature of evil, whatever you want to call it. And God is the tools that can be used to shape that which is being scorched. Yes, we can choose to focus on the pain, but we can also look at what can come out. Evil HATES when we do this.

So, where does that leave us, if we're stuck between these two forces? I believe that we are the will that guides the tools over the scorched surface. We choose what we do with the difficulties and the opportunities life hands us. We can allow ourselves to be dissolved into a pool of molten material, give up and never realize all we can be. Or, we can choose to will those gifts over ourselves to compensate for the fire. We can forge our souls out of pain into something truly beautiful, then seize those tools to haul ourselves out of the fire and harden into what we WISH to be.

Sammy, you have to believe me when I say to you that you have done that so many times. I've seen what you are in spite of, and BECAUSE of, your struggles. I know your heart. I know YOU. And th world is so much better for having you in it. The lives you've affected are numerous. I can only speak for mine right now. You mean SO much to me.

I know this has gone long, and I hope you read it, because I'm not preaching some rah-rah bullcrap. This is something I have to learn to do. It ain't easy, asn the struggle will go on for a long time. I wish it was a one-off thing. But I also know that it's getting easier, ever so slowly, and I'm beginning to see how wonderful the world can be, and how much of an effect I have on it. It's the fight that drives people like you and me, and while the fight may not end for a long time, it does get easier, especially when we know that there are others out there who understand and care.

I understand, Sammy, and I care.

Love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#62704 - 11/16/04 05:14 PM Re: MIA - update
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
(((((((((((((Sammy)))))))))))))

Just feel like hugging you.

Love,
Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Anne Lamott

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#62705 - 11/16/04 07:11 PM Re: MIA - update
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Scot, Lynn & Kolisha and All,
Scot and all you''re so right to keep hammering at me to not give up -- I fight everyday to keep those nasty suicide thoughts pusshed away -- thats why I called and put myself in the crayola wing
Because deep down I DO WANT to live!! Or I wouldnt still be fighting for MY LIFE -- I will always Love Hubby, but as someone here posted once, we just might not like the outcome -- It will get better --
Hell just being able to hear my dad finally after all these years say the words back to me that I have wanted forever -- I Love You Too -- 4 times now in my life and the last 3 have been in the past couple weeks since his surgery ...

I'll be back more to give more details of how Hubby is changing, I need some very pointed opinions about how to survive thru all of what is before me -- and without having this support group I am not so sure I would have done as well and learned so very much without each and everyone you...
My steroid injection went great this AM am just a tad stoned from the meds -- but the feeling of walking without pain and my cane -- brought me to tears before I left that office....
In the crayola wing I truly met a young man who had no legs
There must be a parable or something I cant quite remember with this ditty of the phrase and it was so appropriatee given my situation at the time "AND THEN I MET A MAN WITH NO LEGS" --

And I did -- when I can I hope to be able to share how hubby has changed so drastically over the last couple months and my own realizations about my role and actions --
May Peace fill Us All
Love, Sammy


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#62706 - 11/16/04 09:13 PM Re: MIA - update
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Hey - we aren't hammering: you ain't broke & we ain't trying to "fix" you!

You are one of the strongest people ALIVE!!!!

Hugs!!!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#62707 - 11/16/04 09:39 PM Re: MIA - update
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Sammy,

I do believe the parable goes something like, "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

Aye, there are always worse things. I say this not to compare miseries, but I struggle to keep things in perspective myself.

You need me, sister, I'm here. I'll always be so. And I'll always care.

Love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#62708 - 11/16/04 10:15 PM Re: MIA - update
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
every time I see "Wifey 1" at the top of the page it cheers me up.

It doesn't matter how much chaos, doom and gloom is in your post, YOU have the wondeful ability to shove it into perspective and let your towering spirit shine through.

If you were up to your arse in crocodiles, I know who my money would be on!

Stick to YOUR principles girl, 'cause if you don't; it won't be Sammy's way of doing things.

Take care
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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