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#62691 - 12/19/01 05:38 AM Needing some light as mate of survival
Maria Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/19/01
Posts: 2
Loc: US
I'm new here and needing some help. I'm mate of a man survival of molestation as teenager. After 46 years, his life and his way to face things couldn't be more unhappy. An ended marriage of 34 years moved at appearances and addiction, a son neglected and involved with drugs, several health problems, a lost career, and a sistematic refusal to seek help. I have done my best but my efforts of love and understanding seem be nothing. And even our life in common becomes an abusive relationship.
What to do?
Please, help me.


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#62692 - 12/20/01 09:26 AM Re: Needing some light as mate of survival
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Dear Maria,
It never fails to amaze me how girl get raped and boys get molestated! It was like that when I was a kid and was raped for years! Maybe he was only molestated..fooled around with but with all his problems and death wish...I do think so!
First: Talk to him about it...get to the bottom! Try to get him to open up!!!!!!
Second: Get him to a therapist who deals with men who have been sexually abused while a child...If the therapist is any good at all ...he will take it from there!!!!
Third: Get the son to Therapy!
Forth: Get yourself to Therapy...you will need it, if not now...plus will help you to understand him!!!!!!!
Now, if you can't do 1 through 3...do #4 anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL,
Eddie


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#62693 - 12/20/01 12:20 PM Re: Needing some light as mate of survival
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Hi Maria,

I hope that you find this forum to be a helpful place to you. I know it's been amazing for me.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mate. Until HE is ready to face down his past demons, you won't see a whole lot of improvement. Keep in mind that this is very scary stuff to admit has happened to you, so don't be too hard on him for refusing to deal with it.

But if you're going to be a support to him, I have back up Eddie in saying that #4, seeking a therapist for yourself, is the most important thing. Because the only person you can actually help, is yourself. Your husband has to make his own choices for himself. You can be the support behind him, for when things get rough though (and they will get rough), and maybe seeking help for yourself will provide some role-modeling to encourage him to help himself.

I know for myself, as much as I want to heal from my past, it is incredibly scary when I get closer to actually sitting down to do it. I talk a good talk, but I walk a very shaky walk. Having someone beside me, offering unconditional love, and understanding when I do things I don't understand myself is a blessing, and a great help. I know that my past is no excuse to treat my SO like dirt. I am mindful of that, and do not throw my abuse around like a bludgeon, to excuse my behavior; I'm still responsible for my choices. It is usually that I do things unintentionally, and in retrospect, tie it into past events.

From what I have read from other spouses in here, after you have your own therapist, you may want to do joint counseling, as well. If your man is resistant to going for himself, maybe he'll be willing to go every so often to yours. But please read the "Understanding Spouse" topic to see some of the pitfalls, so you can avoid them.

I hope that you'll come back again. There are a lot of great people here. I wish you and your man the best of luck, in the healing of him, you, and your relationship.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#62694 - 12/20/01 03:03 PM Re: Needing some light as mate of survival
lovemyhusband Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/19/01
Posts: 23
Hello Maria,

My husband too was sexually abused and he has had a rough time dealing with it. I STRONGLY agree with Jeremy. When I first started coming to this site others encouraged me to find a GOOD therapist, one that specialized in Childhood sexual abuse. Even though you yourself were not physically abused, you are nonetheless a victim of this terrible event. We became a victim when we fell in love with the men that have carried this around with them for their entire lives. I have been married for over ten years and while I have always known about my husbands abuse it was not until just this past year that I FULLY realized the extent of his trauma. He always seemed to be OK and said he had worked things through. But that was just a line that he fed me and wanted to believe himself. If I believed he was ok then maybe he was, so he thought. But this terrible life changing event does not get better on its own and eventually it rears its ugly head to once again bring forth the pain that it inflicted so many years ago, and now you too are caught in the middle of it. For the past year I have researched exactly what my husband may be feeling, what he may have gone through, why he thinks the way he does and while I became more knowledgeable, I also became more afraid because I finally realized that this was ALOT more serious than I had EVER thought or given reason to believe. Of course with my new knowledge it now drove me crazy to think that he had all of this STUFF going on inside of him but I could not help him come to terms with it and he was not moving in a direction to help himself. So of course I slowly became more and more depressed with what I knew and he was afraid to admit. We all have a breaking point and mine was not long ago, my husband became very depressed (a cyclical depression) and started talking suicide. It was at that moment that I knew I HAD to do something. No I could not get him to a therapist so i started searching the net for help and thank god I came upon this wonderful site. Everyone here was so supportive and encouraged me to get help for MYSELF!!!!. I kept thinking, but Im not the one with the problem but they were so right, getting help for me was the BEST think I could have done for myself and my husband. I found someone who dealt specially with this issue and I started to see them. They knew just how to get my husband to come in and sure enough he followed me to a session one day at the request of my therapist, "TO HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEM". That one session has opened doors that were once closed to us. My husband has gone with me a few times and talked with the therapist about some of his issues, not much talk but the ball is rolling. He has now agreed to start seeing him individually to discuss his OWN therapy and for the first time I feel the clouds lifting. I dont know if I would have sought help if I had not came to this site looking for answers as you have. By your attendance here you have shown that you have reached the BREAKING POINT and you are ready to make the next critical step to assist your husband in his recovery and that is, get help for yourself. Believe me when I say it will do wonders for you and may be just the ticket your husband needs to help him finally come to terms with this. Either way, God bless you and your husband, my prayers are with you.
LoveMyHusband (more every day)


How do you find a good one? ASK ASK ASK, get referrals from crisis centers. I made the mistake of not getting a referral on my first visit to a councelor and I was very disappointed. S


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