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#62667 - 11/13/04 05:52 PM In so much pain
Enchantedlady Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 35
My H and i have been doing lots of talking the past few weeks and we've gotten closer together but at the same time things are spinning out of control. My h's thoughts seem to get worse and worse. My X father in law sent me a joke and it had a naked pic of a transgendered person, it really triggered my hubby big time. He admitted to me that he was going to try to save the picture and hide it from me. The sad thing is I had a feeling he would try to do it \:\(

Then last night we were talking again and it started about my feelings of being neglected and other things but then he ended up talking about all kinds of different fantasies he's had and Oh my gosh I don't think it's a very healthy way of thinkig:(

Then he dropped the bomb, that 5 yrs ago when he met up with a guy that something did happen, he was just too afraid to tell me. He said that it was oral for both of them, when he finished he lost all desire to be penetrated. He says there are days that he wants sex with a male so bad and there is a guy that comes into his work that he's been tempted to say something to. I asked him if he feel he is gay and he said yes because he wants sex with a male.

I don't know what in the world to think, say or do. How do I help him?
He started saying how he doesn't deserve me, I deserve to be treated better. He goes really deep with the self pity, he feels terrible that he's putting me through this stuff. He has such a low self image of himself and I noticed that when he feels that he's no good, the thoughts of being with a male come up. Is that his trigger? I don't know

I'm sorry I'm not making sense but I just don't know what to do anymore. I love him with all my heart and I'm scared to death that he might leave.

What to do what to do?

_________________________
Namaste
The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you'

Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you

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#62668 - 11/13/04 08:52 PM Re: In so much pain
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Enhnchantedlady,
Your husband is really lucky to have you and I think that he knows that.

He is very open with you, this is very good thing.
Yes, we tend to have all kind of abnormalities in relation to our sexuality. Mess with the sexual orientation is very common thing along with the acting out, sexual addiction, promiscuity and many other bad things.

Feeling of pure sexual desire toward males is not good answer on your question about his gayness.
Male survivor can have sex with bunch of males and still to not be a gay. It seems that he doesn’t want anything more than sex from males. It looks to me like ordinary acting out. Especially if he told you that he lost desire after that blo*j*b incident.

Our confusion can really be huge.
I hope that he has a therapist (he should have!).

You are making a lot of sense in this madness, more than you are aware. I admire how caring and loving person you are.

I am wishing you all the best.
Ivo


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#62669 - 11/13/04 09:16 PM Re: In so much pain
Enchantedlady Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 35
Thanks Ivo,

We have been seeing a counselor but I don't think she is really helping us. I think we need to find H someone new. What is it that we should look for when finding a therapist?

This morning we were talking again and sex started on his mind again. I told him no that I wasn't going to be used as a cum bucket. I'm sick of my needs constantly going unmet. He made a comment that he'll get his way I told him I meant NO, he started to wrestle with me and I was thinking to myself that I'm going to get raped by my own husband. I sure wasn't going to let it happen without a huge fight. I don't know what stopped him but when he looked into my eyes and I told him NO I don't want to and I mean it. He backed down. He's never done this before


I see that his views of sex is very unhealthy. I'm very sad, I feel very lost. I don't know how much more I can take? I'm thankful that he is open and honest with me. Maybe now that all secrets (I hope that's all) are out maybe we can heal and move on. I know he's got plenty of work to do about his past. sigh***

_________________________
Namaste
The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you'

Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you

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#62670 - 11/13/04 09:51 PM Re: In so much pain
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
He needs a therapist that works with CSA stuff. Unfortunately, no, all of the secrets are probably not out. There are strong chances that uncovering one memory only leads to another, and another. For me, when I finally found help and started to work with things, a huge domino effect occurred. My emotions went completely out of control for a few months. I was a complete mess. The more that I uncovered and understood, the more that new things came back and made more sense until most of the puzzle was filled in. As for his sexual orientation, I don't know what to tell you. I can speculate. I speculate that he is not gay from what you have said. When he has these desires when he is feeling low and bad about himself. He has these desires when he is under heightened emotions of stress and anxiety, etc. It has to do with how emotions became mixed during his abuse. It has to do with something called self-defeating behavior and self-full filling profecy. This is only my opinion. I'm reading between the lines some but it appears that you are saying that since you became closer with talking about this and continuing to talk about it that things reach high levels untill they basically erupt. IT is not uncommon for a survivor to basically panick when somone gets closer to them and then they push them farther away from them, sometimes until things calm down, other times forever. It all depends on where the person is in their recovery.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#62671 - 11/13/04 10:02 PM Re: In so much pain
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
I am afraid that you have to be very sharp and clear when it comes to your personal boundaries. Do not let him manipulate with you; you are not an object!
The last thing that you definitely do not need is that you become survivor.

Here is the guide for finding a good therapist: http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/consumer.htm
Maybe Mr. Ken Singer also could help you. He knows a lot of other experts, possible in your area also. Send him PM if you want to check (he has post on: Sexual Identity Issues, section of MS)

I am more than sure that you are doing all that you can to help to your H. The question is how much is he really committed to help himself. You cannot heal instead of him; remember that.

Also do not forget your own needs. Think about yourself.

Take care.
Ivo


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#62672 - 11/14/04 01:13 AM Re: In so much pain
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Enchanted Lady,

I wrote something about the feelings you're expressing not long ago, I will try to bump up the thread. I know it is hard not to jump the gun and feel that now that things are happening with your husband and his recovery, it will finally be time for YOU to be heard. It is so hard to have given up hope that things will get better, and then have that hope again, and then get no support or validation when you start talking about how you've been hurting too-- instead you just get him self-blaming and triggering. And THAT looks suspiciously like the distance and irresponsibility that you just started to believe was going away...

He is probably stuck, puzzled and ashamed by his acting out, and unable to separate the feelings of shame and confusion that he feels now from the feelings that drove him to act out in the first place. Confronting the acting out, bringing it front and center, is hard because it means confronting the difficult feelings that up to this point have only been controlled and coped with BY acting out. Until he can find himself and how he really feels/wants to feel, you are not going to get any kind of feedback or support that makes sense to you, and there's no way to rush this.

I am going to make an honest suggestion that may not work for you and your husband, but worked for me and my boyfriend, so please take it from where it comes.

From your first post here, it seems that there is a lot of anxiety for both of you centered around your marriage-- will he leave, will you leave, should you leave if you don't deserve this, should he leave if he is gay, etc.

When I had those fears, I looked very hard into my heart and came up with this-- I love my boyfriend, he is my best friend, I want to see him happy in his life and I want to help him recover. If that means that he grows out of/ away from our relationship, I would rather see him happy and away from me than partially healed in a way that suits our relationship.

I would not have told him that unless I meant it 100%. It would devastate me to see him go but not as much as always wondering if he'd lost the person he could have been, not once when he was abused, but again when he chose me over himself.

We talked about this and he feels very much the same way about me, and my feelings about the relationship. We have each other's permission to go, if it comes to that. I guess what I am trying to say is that instead of both of us committing to healing him and the relationship, each of us has committed to healing individually, and helping our best friend to heal.

Can you see the difference? I can, and it takes a lot of pressure and fear away from our relationship. We can now have bad personal days that are good days for us as a couple-- before, we couldn't do that. I understand that this might not be for everyone though, I don't think everyone can do the "if you love something, let it go" thing, and as I said, I wouldn't have said it if it weren't the truth.

SAR


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#62673 - 11/14/04 01:56 AM Re: In so much pain
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Yes. Make and stick to your boundaries. Do not let him do, or manipulate you into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable. If necessary, get help from the outside, even the police if it becomes needed.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#62674 - 11/17/04 09:01 PM Re: In so much pain
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
hi Enhnchantedlady, you said, (I don't know what stopped him but when he looked into my eyes and I told him NO I don't want to and I mean it. He backed down.)
I think he saw that he was about to do to you what had been done to him, and that's why he stopped.
I think you need to bring it up at the next session with his therapist.

You said (I told him no that I wasn't going to be used as a cum bucket. I'm sick of my needs constantly going unmet.)
It sounds like you are unhappy with the amount of sex and the manner of sex that he is giving you.

A lot of guys are taught at a young age that masturbation is bad for them, does he masturbate? If he can learn to do it, he won't feel the need to have sex with you so often, and hopefully you won't feel like a cum bucket. you also feel that your needs are being unmet. He has likely been taught only one way to have sex, (wham/bamm, think you ). It is plain that this is not what you want, but he does not know any other way. It will not work to just talk to him, you have to show him how. Try this the next time you have a desire for sex ask him to let you take charge and you do to him, sex in the way you want him to do to you, I am guessing slow and romantic.

You said (he some times desires to be penetrated by a man), it may be just a desire to be penetrated, a guy can have a big orgasm that way. He may feel that the only way he can experience that big orgasm is with another guy. This is not true. I have had desires to be penetrated, the way I would do it is with some type of sex toy. He could masturbate in this manner or, you could add this to the way you make love to him, in a slow and romantic way, be sure to use k/y jelly. He has probably only had it in a wham/bham manner.

PS: Before trying any of this you, him and the therapist, should sit down and talk this over. I could easily be wrong!

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#62675 - 11/18/04 01:18 AM Re: In so much pain
Enchantedlady Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 35
Lostcowboy,
Yes my husband masterbates,in fact that is a possible trigger for him, he did it alot growing up (3-5x aday) he would do it watching porno flicks (straight sex) so I'm thinking that also messed with his view of sex. Trust me I have no problem with the frequency it's just the lack of attention/intimacy/foreplay. I understand that alot of what his happening is because of what happened.

So I think by me telling him what to do might help. That is a good suggestion, thank you

We have used toys and for the most part he does ok but when he's already having urges to be with a man it's made it worse I think it was one time.

_________________________
Namaste
The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you'

Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you

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