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#62641 - 11/13/04 04:23 PM Help Please
Pink Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3
My husband told me few nights ago that he was raped repeatedly by his elder sister. His elder sister passed away nearly 10 years ago and we've been together for 10 years. He hasn't much about it but that it happened, it was a sick thing, and he was glad she's dead.

My problem is that he hasn't come home since he's told me. I've cried and begged him to come home. He is staying with some people he just met. He said he is raging all the time and it's better done there than at home....

Why? Why is he doing this? I accept him as he is. Why can't he talk to me? Why strangers? Why won't he come home and let me in to help? My mom knows he hasn't been home but not why. She just says sit and be patient. It hurts too much and I don't think I can do it anymore.


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#62642 - 11/13/04 08:10 PM Re: Help Please
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Pink,
please be patient with him, he will come back certainly.
I know that you are accepting him; the problem is that sometimes it is the hardest thing for a survivor to share pain with someone who loves him so much.
We are extremely weak and fragile, remember that.

The bed thing is that he is at the moment overwhelmed with his pain and rage so he cannot see how much are you hurt by his acting.

On long term hi should go on some kind of a counseling.

The best thing for you is to be patient, he is starting to share this crap with you, this is incredibly hard step toward recovery; you also have to be very strong and wise.
Try to not be afraid.

I am deeply sorry that you also have to go through this hell.
Take care,
Ivo


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#62643 - 11/13/04 09:39 PM Re: Help Please
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
He doesn't want you to see just how ugly it has made a part of him. He doesn't want it to hurt you. It has come to a boiling point that he can no longer hide from. When my brother died, I didn't know whether to be happy / glad, or sad. Then there is the guilt over being glad that the person is dead, the shame over having such feelings, etc. There are all kinds of things.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#62644 - 11/14/04 01:20 AM Re: Help Please
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Pink,

It is unbelievable to those who've never felt loved and accepted, that you could be doing and feeling what you are.

It will help him, more than you know, when he sees what you are doing for him-- waiting for him, believing him, wanting to listen even though he's hurt you too.

hang in there-- but don't *just* hang around waiting for him to show up, try to get your mind off for a while. He knows where you are, if he wants your tears and proclamations of love, let him come to you.

I'm sorry this hurts so much.
SAR


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#62645 - 11/15/04 06:53 AM Re: Help Please
Pink Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3
Thank you for your words of support. It's just so hard to do. You're right, I need to be busy. If not, time passes too slowly for me. It's the logical thing to do but I have such a hard time reconciling my emotions to facts.

I feel so selfish that I'm talking about me when I should be focused on him. It's just I don't understand why can he say he's glad that she's dead and then say he misses her at the same time.


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#62646 - 11/15/04 04:37 PM Re: Help Please
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Pink, I may be able to help you to understand that because I went through it. Please send me a PM if you want me to talk about it in detail. He is also using something called "False Logic" right now. That logic is hurting both of you. You are doing the right thing by looking for help. I hope that he will try to get help too.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#62647 - 11/15/04 06:43 PM Re: Help Please
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Pink,

I'm sorry for the situation you are in and the experiences your husband went through.

Shame is a terrible feeling and can be destructive. Especially in this case where he is most likely carrying his sister's shame and misdirecting the blame.

When he comes home, be supportive. Listen to him when he wants to talk, don't pressure him to. Suggest he get conselling, but don't force it. Conselling is a good idea for him, for you, and for you two together.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#62648 - 11/16/04 01:33 AM Re: Help Please
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Pink
Quote:
Why? Why is he doing this? I accept him as he is. Why can't he talk to me? Why strangers? Why won't he come home and let me in to help?
What a mess? I hope he returns soon.

As to why he's gone? then my opinion would be that he's suddenly got all the guilt and shame in the world on his back at the moment.
We carry this with us for so long, I carried mine for 31 years, it's a heavy load.
But it's one we can shed, and place firmly on the shoulders of those that SHOULD carry it - our abusers.

I was so frightened that if I told anyone what happened to me as a boy they would reject me, call me a 'pervert', think that I was sick and leave me.
Telling my wife, the first person I ever told, after 25 years of marriage was the hardest thin I ever did in my whole life.

If he's talking with anyone at the moment, then that's good news. It will unburden some of that load. If you have contact with him just let him know you love him, tell him you BELIEVE him.

It's not going to be easy, for either of you. But things can, and generally do, work out.
Stick around ang get all the support and help you want.

Take care
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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