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#62634 - 11/13/04 01:50 AM Re: WHAT TO DO?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jessica.
I guess you're doing most of the right things - whatever the 'right things' are?

What I mean is, recovery is something that we can't plan - it's not an exact science. At times I think I'm making it up as I go along, probably am if the truths known. :rolleyes:

As for your boyfriends behaviour, lying and cheating seems to be fairly common.
The early sexualization we recieved gave us all the wrong ideas about sex and power, and these ideas are deeply ingrained. We carry them into adulthood, and if left unchecked can create huge problems for us. We can turn to drink, drugs, sexual promiscuity, acting out sexually and many other problems. We can also suffer from depression, PTSD and a whole raft of clinical problems.

Is it any wonder we lie and cheat?
We know that we don't want to do these behaviours or feel the way we do, and something in the back of our minds tells us it's related to what happened to us as kids.
So we think in a circular and distorted manner.
"What happened to me as a boy has made me the man I am today. I hate that man, he's sick. How can I tell anyone?" So we dont. Instead we act our way through it, and lie.

The biggest lie is however to ourselves.

We're not easy people, and our healing can be long and difficult. Partners can often be treated very badly along the way.
My wife and I are still together, yes, we've had some tough times. But 'love' has overcome them.

Take care
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62635 - 11/13/04 02:46 PM Re: WHAT TO DO?
CFO Dave Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/14/04
Posts: 104
Loc: Millis MA
Jessica,

I would agree with most of what has been posted here. Dave's talk of circular thinking is particularlly on point. I would like to point out that for some the circle is slightly different. We don't like what we're doing but don't understand that it is a result of what happened to us as kids. We think what happened to us as kids was our fault because of who we are. It's still the circle just from a slightly different angle.

He needs to understand and accept the far reaching effects of what happened to him. Just knowing he was a victim of CSA is not enought. I know for me and for a lot of people here, we know what happened to us but we don't understand the effects.

Since he has shared some with you perhaps he would be open to exploring this site? It is amazing the feelings that come from knowing you're not alone.

I also recommend 2 wonderful books. Abused Boys by Mic Hunter and Victims No Longer by Mike Lew. You may find that he is afraid to buy them because he's to embarassed to walk into a bookstore and buy it but it is available on line or you could pick it up for him.

Make sure you take care of yourself first.

Dave

_________________________
"We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more."
-Madame Swetchine

"The soul that is within me no man can degrade."
-Frederick Douglas

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#62636 - 11/13/04 02:49 PM Re: WHAT TO DO?
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Jessica, First typing in ALL CAPITALS is called SHOUTING, please stop. I know you didn't know. Now you do.

About Advice, I would say keep taking him to different therapist until you find one he can talk to. I have never had therapy so I can not tell you how many, expect a lot.
About talking to you about it, I think part of the problem is all that macho shit we get drilled in to us, boys are supposed to protect girls. I was forced to tell my wife that I was raped, I told her that in 1992. I have never told her anything else about it. I thought it may have been easier to tell you a girl I don't care about. It is not. I have been trying for the last five hours and cannot say anything. In the last three days I have been able to tell the boy's here on the site, more than I have ever told anyone. My rape happened in 1968.
Hopefully, Jessica is not your real name, If that is true, then you can tell him about this wonderful site you found.
If Jessica is your real name then have the admin erase all your posts here. When that is done and not before, then tell him about this wonderful site you found. I think he will find us easier to talk to as we have all been in his shoes. The most important thing is to get him talking to someone, anyone!
About cheating, I have cheated three times. By cheating I mean anything from heavy petting and up. The first was before I felt I was totally committed to my wife we had lived together for two years but I had not committed yet, in her mind we had, so she calls it cheating. The second one was right after my father died, I went out and got wasted, I grouped a girl, It took the boys who saw me do this three days to convince me that I had done this. I thought they was pulling my leg. It took me a week to get up the nerve to apologizes to the girl, It had not bothered her at all like it had me. When I was first introduced to her I liked her personality, and had hoped that we could be friends, that did not happen as I was to ashamed about what I had done. The last one was the only one that had true sex. Me and my wife had a big fight four years before and she had cut me off from sex, I am sure that had a part to play in what happened, one of the other things I am trying to resolve is a fear of gay guys, There was a gay guy hanging around the gas station I was working at, it was freaking me out. I got up the nerve to ask him for help. This is the part I don't understand, somehow it lead to me getting attached to him and attracted to him. It ended with him taking advantage of me money wise, and the wife finding out. It took me over 9 months to recover emotionally. My wife said she forgave me, but we have still not had sex, and every time we fight about anything she throws the affairs up in my face. I love my wife dearly, but she is giving me hell every fight. If you do decide to forgive your husband for cheating on you, please do not do what my wife is doing to me!! My wife is much older than me, I think now, even if she were to change her mind we could not have sex. I stay with her because I love her deeply. The last time I had sex with my wife was in 1990, the last affair happened in 1994, it is now 2004 it has been a long time with no end in sight.
I think I will quit now.
I wish you and your man luck with your problems.

Edited to correct numbers, and improve readability.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#62637 - 11/13/04 10:21 PM Re: WHAT TO DO?
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
I apologize, I think I did what they call dumping on you. I should not have done that. Take care.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#62638 - 11/16/04 01:45 PM Re: WHAT TO DO?
jessica Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
Hi Guys I am going to say that this is a very warm and understanding site i see support is very important in a healing. I feel like a cloud has been lifted.Thank you for the information also about having my name erased and bringing him on board this site. It is not my real name but he knows it is part of my online handle...too close... ;-) and well once he reads the story the rest will be history. It was very interesting about how the woman can move in the house and feel she is getting closer to the man but he looks at it totally different. another painful reality. thanx to you all!


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#62639 - 11/30/04 10:31 PM Re: WHAT TO DO?
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi I thought I would make one last post, I finally found the book on rape that helped me understand some of the things that I was feeling. It is recovery by Helen Benedict http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/det...=glance&s=books While it is just a beginning book, it is a good starting point.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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