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#62624 - 11/11/04 08:04 PM WHAT TO DO?
jessica Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
HI ALL,

NEW HERE AND WONDERING IF MY BOTFRIEND OF FIVE YEARS WILL EVER STOP CHEATING & LYING. AM I A DOOR MAT? BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY... I KNOW OF HIS PAIN SOMEWHAT, HE HAS SHARED SOME OF HIS STORY AND IT HAS SENT ME HERE. I HAD NO IDEA HOW THESE EXPERIENCES AFFECT MEN. I KNOW HE THINKS I WILL LEAVE HIM IF HE TELLS ME THE WHOLE STORY AND ALL THE SIDE EFFECTS. HE HAS TOLD ME THAT, BUT I ALSO THINK HE IS JUST A AFRAID OF GETTING CLOSER. I FELT A CONNECTION WITH HIM FROM THE BEGINING AND SO DID HE BUT STARTED TO PUSH ME AWAY SOON AFTER. AT ANY RATE THAT WAS YEARS AGO AND WE HAVE GOTTEN SOMEWHAT CLOSER BUT NO WHERE NEAR WHAT A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE. AM I JUST A SUPPORT PERSON I CAN BE THAT TOO BUT IF THAT IS ALL I AM NEEDED FOR MAYBE I SHOULD MOVE ON. IT HAS BEEN VERY PAINFUL WHEN WE TRY TO BREAKUP FOR THE BOTH OF US WE BOTH CRY AND COME RUNNING BACK TO EACH OTHER BUT SOON AFTER I START TO FEEL THE DISTANCE AGAIN SO I ASK WHAT DOES HE REALLY HAVE ME IN HIS LIFE FOR. HI


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#62625 - 11/12/04 12:40 AM Re: WHAT TO DO?
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Hi Jessica. I've been with my husband 6 and a half years. I didn't learn about his abuse until 6 weeks ago. I felt lied to about that too, that he could have married me and had a baby with me and not tell me something so significant about his past. I found out he lied to me about his use of pornography and masturbation repeatedly and about gambling. Maybe your boyfriend is a sex addict too like my husband. When people have addictions, they lie. All junkies lie to cover their tracks and so they don't have to give up whatever it is they do that makes them feel better. Survivors of abuse often have these things that make them lie. I was so naive I didn't realize my husband was a liar until just recently. To answer your question will he ever stop lying to you I would say no, he won't if he doesn't seek help and truly want to change. I can't imagine being a liar myself since I was brought up to hold truth as one of the highest values there is, so I don't really know too much about it. But right now my husband's started therapy, going to church, reading dr. phil even, and he swears to me he wants to change and that he is changing, through prayer and meditation, and he's even going to 12-step groups and taking karate to help keep him disciplined and focused. I have to try to believe him that he will be a new man because I feel like I'm seeing changes and I have to give him that chance since we have a little girl together. I guess I'll keep you posted and let you know if it really is true that a man can change and become truthful, supportive, intimate, and loyal because I have very high standards and will settle for nothing less for myself and my daughter.


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#62626 - 11/12/04 02:08 AM Re: WHAT TO DO?
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Hi Jessica. I've been with my husband 6 and a half years. I didn't learn about his abuse until 6 weeks ago. I felt lied to about that too, that he could have married me and had a baby with me and not tell me something so significant about his past. I found out he lied to me about his use of pornography and masturbation repeatedly and about gambling. Maybe your boyfriend is a sex addict too like my husband. When people have addictions, they lie. All junkies lie to cover their tracks and so they don't have to give up whatever it is they do that makes them feel better. Survivors of abuse often have these things that make them lie. I was so naive I didn't realize my husband was a liar until just recently. To answer your question will he ever stop lying to you I would say no, he won't if he doesn't seek help and truly want to change. I can't imagine being a liar myself since I was brought up to hold truth as one of the highest values there is, so I don't really know too much about it. But right now my husband's started therapy, going to church, reading dr. phil even, and he swears to me he wants to change and that he is changing, through prayer and meditation, and he's even going to 12-step groups and taking karate to help keep him disciplined and focused. I have to try to believe him that he will be a new man because I feel like I'm seeing changes and I have to give him that chance since we have a little girl together. I guess I'll keep you posted and let you know if it really is true that a man can change and become truthful, supportive, intimate, and loyal because I have very high standards and will settle for nothing less for myself and my daughter.


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#62627 - 11/12/04 02:53 AM Re: WHAT TO DO?
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Is he actively getting help with it? Is he actually actively doing things to make himself healthier?


EDIT:

This song came to my mind after reading your post.


Evanescence - My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#62628 - 11/12/04 03:50 AM Re: WHAT TO DO?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi Jessica,
Quote:
HE THINKS I WILL LEAVE HIM IF HE TELLS ME THE WHOLE STORY AND ALL THE SIDE EFFECTS. HE HAS TOLD ME THAT, BUT I ALSO THINK HE IS JUST A AFRAID OF GETTING CLOSER.
There is no one way to disclose. It is beyond difficult for these guys to start letting go of their secrets; they've been keeping them for such a long time. I don't know the "whole story" of my boyfriend's abuse, a year after he told me he'd been abused as a boy I don't think he has it in him to sit down and tell me the whole thing, and honestly I don't feel he needs to. All I really ask or feel a need to know is how his abuse affects him in the present-- if something has triggered him, for example, or if he's having a bad day. I think it's best to listen without expectations. As for the side effects, we're both figuring out what they are as we go along.

It's up to each of us to figure out what we need and what we're able to give in our relationships. Being there for someone who needs so much and has been hurt, and taught so many bizarre things about love and relationships, is not easy and not always rewarding. Being with my boyfriend, who is a survivor, works for me. But I understand why it might not work for many other people. Especially if you feel taken for granted, being asked to provide a great deal of support.

And I think it goes without saying that you have a right to keep unacceptable behavior (cheating, lying, abuse) out of your life and relationships. If someone has a problem with that, then it's time to end the relationship with that person.

SAR


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#62629 - 11/12/04 12:34 PM Re: WHAT TO DO?
jessica Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
you guys are something else. what a support group and for free \:\) I hear what all have said and because i am a Christian i feel GOD has put me in his life for a reason. He told me he has tried to kill himself a few time before i came along. we dated for years even before he told me that, let alone why. he is so very private i feel i am betraying him by even speaking on it but i love him and feel i may be able to assist him in much needed strength. right now he doesn't know that i know as much as i do, i think he feels this is part of his healing, it may be, we seem to be lasting longer than his past relationships and they all knew near the begining of their relationship. we have gotten closer but only in the name of a business venture and not love so he says, i think he knows it is love but afraid to admit it to himself. i wouldn't even know what i do if i had not been searching for the truth. the heart breaking part is while i was looking for the truth i came across the affairs they don't last long and at the end they can be very painful for him but i am always there pretending he is just having a bad day (what is wrong with me?)i have not told him what i know for obvious reasons, please pray for me


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#62630 - 11/12/04 05:26 PM Re: WHAT TO DO?
jessica Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
Thank you Mike NY
The poem very emotional. and yes he has sought help and been hospitialized as well as drugged i think all these things including his best friend (me) are helping also


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#62631 - 11/12/04 08:33 PM Re: WHAT TO DO?
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
You are welcome. It is a song by the group Evanescence.

It's great news that he is trying to help himself. You still need to create and keep boundaries.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#62632 - 11/12/04 09:12 PM Re: WHAT TO DO?
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Jessica its good to feel that God put you in this person's life for a reason... but its also important to remember that you too are also a gift from God - that God created YOU as well and considers YOU important and He did not intend for you to be treated badly by ANYONE.... Its one thing to understand what your partner is going through but its another thing to continue to allow it to happen to your own detriment.

Sometiems the kindest things we can do for the people we love is "tough love".. let them know by us telling or showing them their behaviour is hurtful to others. Covering it up and excusing it just allows them to go about their lives hurting others and that behaviour continued too long will eventually hurt them in the end.


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#62633 - 11/13/04 01:09 AM Re: WHAT TO DO?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Jessica,

I agree with PAS, you are not helping yourself or treating yourself well by allowing him to lie to you about his affairs.

But you are not helping him either. If you want this man to trust you and tell you the truth, if you want him to depend on you for support and friendship, then your relationship has to be a trusting, truthful, stable ground.

My boyfriend did not cheat on me in person, but he chatted and exchanged emails and phone calls with a girl who thought he was single for about 18 months of our relationship. And a BIG way that he justified this behavior was convincing himself that I already knew what he was doing, and did not care enough about him or our relationship to intervene. And I didn't know, at all. For him to find out that I knew and didn't do anything, would have sent the message that I really didn't care.

Just my experience.
Sar


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