Newest Members
tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom, JohnWC, KKumar
12423 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dphoenix1701 (37), jaywiz2009 (69), mato (57)
Who's Online
1 registered (Obi), 23 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12423 Members
74 Forums
63803 Topics
445536 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#62510 - 12/16/01 05:02 PM really need some advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


hello, i am new to the internet and really need some advice, opinions from some of you that have been there. I will explain the basics and then if you need more info to help with this i can fill you in.
my son age 11 came to us a few months ago with the facts of sexual/ abuse/ molestation by a cousin, that has went on for apx 5-6 years off and on the best we can put together everything.....has taken place. we went to counciling and he seems much better, although we are faced with the issue of how to we face/ deal with my husbands nephew that did all of these things to our son. some of the incident even at our home. his parents have taken him to counciling also but it is really tearing our family. the nephew is 4 years older and has always been immature for his age. so far we have had no contact with him. and our son says he dont want to see him. his parents are tring to have us all get together and discuss how we are going to handle this. i have went to counciling and read books but i really need some help from someone that may really know what will be the best for my son. if he says he doesnt want to see him we are ok to honor that, is that the best thing? should they ever talk? please any advice and if you need mre info id be glad to fill you in.

thanks in advance for your help i know i checked the right place for info.


Top
#62511 - 12/16/01 05:44 PM Re: really need some advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


this is an additional ? to my previous post.
what about christmas? do i buy gifts for all the other family members and exclude the perpetrator, we wont be having contact with them but i am close with his other brothers and sisters and usually buy alll the children a gift, we have very mixed emotion about all of this. we hate what he has done to our family but he is my husbands sisters child. please someone respond to help us deal with this. in counciling the councler said we would know if/when the time was right and im not sure if that is true. what do you think?

[ December 16, 2001: Message edited by: sunny ]


Top
#62512 - 12/16/01 08:24 PM Re: really need some advice
dvf445 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/10/01
Posts: 10
Loc: South Jersey
I am so sorry to hear about your sitution.

The first thing that I thought of is your son needs time to heal. I would let your son decide when it is best for him to make contact, if ever. I wouldn't think that you would even want to reward that type of behavior with a gift, but I would ask your son how he feels about it.

What your son does need to do is to release and forgive the other kid so it doesn't stay attached to your son. I'm not saying for him to say don't worry about what he did, but he needs to release the perpetrator because it will free him up to heal. If he doesn't forgive and he gets a bitter root in him, it is really hard to get rid of. Forgiveness is a process to. It took me many years to even want to forgive because it causes you to hate and hold that in. Encourage him to let out his anger and let him process it in a healthy way.

You son has to process a lot of information and emotions. It is a long process and he will need time and support. One book that is really good is the Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. It really helped me and shows the process by which healing takes place. It identifies areas to work on and what to expect through the process. It shows that damage that was done through the abuse and how to deal with it to heal.

I work with kids in a child assault prevention program and your son needs to know that you believe him no matter what and that it was in no way his fault. Let him openly discuss his feelings with you and don't judge him.

I'll be praying for you. I'm here if you need me.

Rich


Top
#62513 - 12/17/01 08:35 AM Re: really need some advice
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
Your son has started discussing that he has been used by his cousin.

Keep up with the counciling for both,
your son and for you as the parents,
and hopfully for the cousin and his parents.

Advice for your son in his healing process,
as parents would help a wounded child,
encourage while mindful of the wound.

As for the cousin and his parents they will heal on their own time. Expect a long process
and will need some time.

I'm one of six childern in my family,
Mom died of drinking and Dad doesn't care,
and only one of my sisters, of the others,
is supportive of me.
fmighell anc ak


Top
#62514 - 12/17/01 05:46 PM Re: really need some advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


since i am so new to all of this internet and "board stuff" i wasnt quite sure how to respond. I wrote each of you a note of heartfelt graditude for your comments and want to say that sharing these thoughts and ideas and knowing that others out there care does alot for us. THANKS IM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS SITE.


Top
#62515 - 12/19/01 01:25 PM Re: really need some advice
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Hi Sunny,

Welcome to the boards. It really sucks that you even have to be here, but it's one of the best places to be, if you have to deal with an issue as difficult as this.

I'm so sorry that your son had to suffer. I work with abused kids, and I have to say that an environment of unconditional love is going to make the biggest difference in your son's healing. Well, that really goes for everyone, not just victims of abuse.

And having said that, my thoughts go to the perpetrator, your nephew. If he did these things as a child, then most likely, he was abused himself. I do not say this to excuse his behavior in any way, but children who victimize are doing what they were taught. And that makes them less culpable for their actions, in my eyes, than an adult who has grown to learn the differences of right and wrong.

The healing of your nephew is going to be just as important as your son's; if he does not learn to control these impulses, your son will not be his only victim.

I would talk to your husband's sister about the gift issue. Let her know how awkward you feel "rewarding" him after what he did to your son, but be aware that your nephew is a child with feelings, too. It is very easy to think of child molesters simply as heartless monsters. The older they are, the easier that comparison is to make. But your nephew is still a child. You can play a part in his redemption. Maybe, instead of giving your nephews and nieces a tangible gift, you could make a donation to some charity in their names. In addition to sidestepping the gift-giving issue, you can also help to remind the kids what this holiday season is really about.

Whatever you choose, I hope that you and your family can salvage some joy from this season. Sometimes the best present is simply that: being present. After my cousin committed suicide 5 years ago, that first Christmas was very hard. It was very quiet; every laugh was given tentatively. But I valued the time I was able to spend with my other cousin, my aunt and uncle, my grandmother, and the rest of my immediate family.

Pain that is shared, is more easily borne.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
#62516 - 12/20/01 09:05 AM Re: really need some advice
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Dear Sunny,
I think that this matter sould be torn apart and looked at real good!!!!!!!!!!! I was 11 when raped by an older friend..about 4 years older..then his older brother..then their friends!!!! Why, because my parents didn't do anything to the first boy and the rest knew that they could get away with it! Why, because at 11..I was unable to tell my parents what really happened...said as little about the abuse as posible...if I had made it very clear that I had been RAPED maybe things would have turned out different for me!!!!!! Did you have the abuser BUSTED???????????????????????? Why not? If he gets away with a slap on the hand...who will be his next????? Who taught him this?????????????????...his father...older brother...there is always someone hidding at the top!!!!!! Let the police put these people through the ringer and get to the botton of this...and please try to get down to the real botton of the abuse that your son suffered!!!! Don't let your son turn 14 or 15 and buy a gun and take matters into his own hands like I had to!!!!!! This is not 1960...ripe this shit apart!!!!!

LOL,
Eddie


Top
#62517 - 12/21/01 06:40 PM Re: really need some advice
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
Sunny –
This is Babs, wife of Getteddie (for 22 years). Edmund's abuse started at the age your son is now (11 YO) and went on for several years. He told his father (sick SOB), but was told he had to deal with these older boys by himself. He repressed the memory of this period of horror for 40 years and only recovered the memories about a year plus ago when our daughter reached about the same age (11-12). Basically he is sometimes an 11 YO emotionally & a 53 YO physically. Our family life has been and still continues to be the EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER from HELL.

Here are a few insights from my experiences in dealing/healing.

*** CRITICAL TO YOUR SON'S WELL-BEING ***

1. You MUST believe him!!! Even if what he tells you about the SA seems so horrible & unacceptable. Don't add to his pain and lose because of your denial.

2. Provide your Son with his own place of SAFETY. The only way he will be able to heal from this trauma is to feel safe enough to allow himself to grieve for what was taken from him (his innocence) and vent the anger, violation & betrayal in a healthy fashion. Obviously your nephew never felt safe enough to even start the healing process. He vented his anger on your child.

3. Allow your son lots of CONTROL. I realize he is only 11, but he lost the most basic human need at the age of 5 – control over his own body. As long as his choices are basically in the healthy range go with them. PROTECT, but don't DICTATE. Again the only way your nephew felt in "control' was to rape your son. Rape is not a sex act, but an act of control and violence.

4. Don't underestimate the damage done. Just because he seems much better doesn't mean he has dealt with all the issues. Don't smooth over a nasty wound because it is painful to deal with it. This could result in your son continuing the cycle of violence.

5. Your baby is never going to go up & be like the other kids. He was sexually traumatized at a very early age. He will never have the opportunity to mature and learn about sex in a step-by-step progression. Most of us non-SA folks experimented with sex a bit at a time as we developed at puberty. MOST of the men on this forum have experience unwanted same sex attractions resulting, I think, from the fact that their first “pleasurable” sexual feelings occurred at the hands of male abusers. Your son has experienced powerful sexual feelings at an age that when he was mentally unprepared to cope. The average teenager has lots of difficulty handling these feelings. How could a 5 YO rationalize these events? What has been the impact on his self-image and self-esteem?

6. Don't try to force him to forgive his cousin. What was done to him is almost unforgivable for even the most mature & intelligent adult. Your son learning to accept what happened to him, that he cannot change past events and must move on with his life will be a big enough challenge. You need to do this also.

If your son no longer wants any contact with the perpetrator and his family, ABIDE by his wishes. Your son has probably never experienced a solid sense of SAFETY, ever (at least for the last 6 years). If you have to more far away & cut off contact with much of your husband's family, so be it.

I realize that this is devastating to you as a parent. Get therapy for yourself and your husband - deal with the denial, guilt, blame and feelings of failure. Therapy may help you keep your marriage intact also. Forgive yourself for what has happened because your child needs all your energy and strength NOW.

*** YOUR NEWPHEW'S WELL-BEING CANNOT BE YOUR CONCERN, KEEP FOCUSED ON YOUR SON ***

Yes, your nephew needs help!
LOTS of professional help !!!!
Kids don't think up this type of brutality by themselves.
They are victims first, perpetrators second.
The source of your nephew's behavior must be tracked done & stopped if still victimizing.
If child welfare has not been notified then they should be. This may be the only way to aid him in receiving the necessary treatment. Keeping this skeleton in the family closet would be costly, in terms of the destruction of human lives.

If your nephew cannot be made to understand that (1) his actions have caused tremendous pain and (2) he has overstepped his boundaries then your son will NOT be his last victim.

*** I WISH MY HUSBAND HAD BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO A PARENT LIKE YOU TO LOVE & PROTECT HIM ***

My Husband's Demons
1. Rage & anger that these monsters have destroyed his life, but have not been held accountable. I share some of this
2. Self-blame, the mistaken belief that he could have stopped the abuse alone. He was just a helpless little boy with nobody to love & protect him.
3. Self-shame because he experienced any sexual pleasure during years of abuse. Especially when under the influence of various drugs that they forced him to take in order to make him more compliant
4. That his sexual fantasies are not centered on heterosexual images, but are focused on being abused again.
5. That the sum of this trauma has caused major sexual dysfunction that makes him feel "like he wants to curl up in a ball and DIE”.

I'll continue to talk with you, offline if you wish. Excuse me if I seem a little rough on you, but I've seen my Eddie suffer so much and don't want your boy (or anyone's child) to have to be in this much pain.
Encircle your boy with love and safety,
babs


Top
#62518 - 12/21/01 07:16 PM Re: really need some advice
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Reading Babs' response, I am reminded that I made some false assumptions in my last post.

Since I work in the social service field, I assumed that a child abuse report was made, so that investigations, and some sort of treatment plan were in order. By the time the kids I work with get to me, there are people involved who are trying to help the kid, so my bleeding heart is in the right place.

But if your nephew's actions weren't reported, then Babs is right, and I'm just being too soft. I still hold to my belief that he was acting out his own abuse, rather than thinking through his actions. But that only means that there is ANOTHER abuser on the loose somewhere.

I don't ever advocate removing a child from the home, but I understand why it is neccessary. Every child needs to feel safe and loved. Take care of your son. He's got to be your priority right now. Find the number in your phone book for a Child Abuse Reporting hotline. A report NEEDS to be made.

Forgiveness of your nephew (by you, or your son), if it is going to happen, will come in its own time. Hopefully, your nephew will have healed a bit in that time, as well.

There has been a long history of sexual abuse in my family. It is understood, but not talked about. I don't remember enough about my experience to comment on it, but I know that my mom, grandma, and great-aunt were all abused by the same man, and his wife's refusal to accept the truth has made for some very strange family dynamics. Don't keep this silent. The cycle of abuse ends, when these things can be brought to light, and the abused make a choice to end such actions in their own lives.

Take care, Sunny.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
#62519 - 12/29/01 01:37 AM Re: really need some advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


Sunny - The problem is the kid that did that to your son. I will bet someone did the same to him. Not to give him an out because he is wrong. I suggest reading a book to give you better insight on what went on and what is probably still going on with the other child. Read Abused Boys by Mic Hunter. Any questions e mail me

hager111@aol.com. Good luck!


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.