What do you do when fear overwhelms you for no apparent reason? My b/f and I had a nice weekend. It was raining, so nothing going on outside, but he worked on building a bar for the room we just renovated (itís almost done and looks fabulous) and I cleaned the house in preparation for a party weíre having this coming Saturday. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at all and in fact, everything was just normal. I got home a bit late last night and went straight to bed. I didnít sleep well at all, tossing, turning, up, down; it was awful. Well I must have fallen asleep at some point and I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamed that he was acting out again. That he was back with one woman in particular. In my dream, when I confronted him, he was sorry and crying, but she (this woman Iíve never met) was laughing at me for playing the fool. I woke up in such a state I almost didnít come to work.
I so want to shake this off, but I canít. I e-mailed my b/f a few hours ago, but didnít hear back from him right away, which is unusual. So my mind really started going crazy. What if heís out meeting her or someone else right now? I called him and he answered the phone right away. Theyíre having server problems at work. I felt silly.
My b/f has given me no reason to suspect that heís up to no good. Heís been going to therapy every week. Weíve been talking very openly and honestly with each other. If heís down, like over fatherís day weekend, heíll acknowledge it to me and to himself and talk it out with his T when he sees her. He doesnít shut me out, and he doesnít overwhelm me with stuff that he needs to work out with her.
Overall, things have been very peaceful, so whatís my problem? I think part of it may be that we have been living a very conventional life. That works for me. I love the security of usual, everyday things with some excitement thrown in for good measure. He, on the other hand, always lived a very unconventional life. He used to tease me years ago that he could never do what I do. Maybe Iím afraid that things are just too boring for him.
Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Iím just totally stressing for NO F***ING reason!
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.