Dear TTH, oh I read your posting with great sadness in my heart. You may have come across my rantings & ravings in last months. My husband and I are now finalizing our divorce. My heart is shattered, but I'll put the pieces back together.
And so will you! I really feel that I have been in your 'space'. I so wanted my husband to take the journey inside (with a the guidance of an expert) and explore why he is confused about his sexual orientation. First he told me he thought he was gay, but then after we'd been 'together', and very passionately I might add ;-), he decided that he is bisexual because he really is attracted to me. I knew that, I felt the heat/energy between us - it is still there!
He never, never acknowledged that anything from his past might be playing a part in all his confusion. He now talks about his past in a very intellectual way - he is a smart man and right now, he has used his intellect to perpetuate his delusions about who he is (I know that sounds mean but it all still stings me terribly. I loved him with all my soul, I never held back, I would have done anything for him!)
So he leaves this week for San Francisco to start a new job, and a new life. I'm still here in Chicago trying to pick up my pieces and rebuild. It saddens me so much because I know in my heart it could have been different. I truly believe that we were soul mates (or at least we shared the same karma ;-)
I know how you feel - the daily 'bleedings', but I must also say.... That once we were apart, there was a certain relief that I felt, a relief/release I hadn't experienced in years. No longer did I have to fear coming home to learn that he had made his mind up and was going to leave me to live a gay life- the last 9 months of ambiguity were truly torture - though I couldn't see it at the time. My self-esteem was in the dumper
but now, slowly, I have rebuilt my belief in myself. I told a friend last night that I haven't felt this whole in a long time - not that I like being without him, I miss him terribly. But now it is just me - and I am living my life, each day.
I just couldn't take any longer the minute-by-minute pain of seeing him and not knowing if he would find a way through. He, too, resisted the therapy anyone would need to go back and look at their past. He went a handful of times over the past 9 months, but didn't really go deep.
It is the saddest thing to want to see someone heal, and to see them reject that for themselves. He is betraying himself by not 'doing his work' - he is going to find himself in a very sad place.
Please know that there are those of us on 'the other side' of this, and it isn't as bad as I thought. It is tragic that some of us are losing our husbands/partners, men we love, but they are crafting their worlds and there isn't a place for us to be with them in it, and not have our souls die.
There does come a point when we've sacrificed too much, too much of ourselves. Please know that the nights aren't as bad as I thought. I do keep a pillow under the covers with me sometimes, so I have the sense that something is next to me (if I had a stuffed teddy bear, that would be good too :-). The calm does come, as does dawn.
Get support for yourself right now. Find someone who can help you heal now, you need to heal the wounds of all this. You will, I am, others are.
I wish my husband peace, I'm just so sad for him.
You are in my thoughts and prayers,