This is probably the hardest note I have ever written. I have decided that me and my feelings are more important than anything else in the world. What this is all leading up to is basically to say that I cant take the bullshit that I am being given on a daily basis lately. I dont think he has any idea of how unhappy I am at this point in our relationship because he is so wrapped up in caring about no one but himself. He makes phone calls on a daily basis to god knows who trying to be very sneaky about them and going in other rooms and talking very quietly. I cant understand why he is being this way, he used to share everything with me. The only thing he is concerned about is himself and he makes me feel like a bother to him except when he wants to have sex. My feelings, concerns, and opionions dont seem to matter at all. I know he has to work on making himself better but now is the time for me to work on making myself better now too. I need to be number one in a relationship I cant accept number two anymore. He seems to want to hang out with his friends more and more and the time he spends with me has been cut down to such a minimum that I am lucky if we spend twelve hours together in a whole week. This hurts, I am not used to this and it seems to have snuck up on me so quickly that my head is spinning and my heart is aching. I am angry and when I try to talk to him about it he just says that he needs to make himself happy before he can make anyone else happy. It seems to me that his therapy is doing the opposite of what it is supposed to be doing because he is becoming mean. I am looking at this as my declaration of independance, my turning of the tables to make me happy which is something I deserve. I love him but I am mad at him. I want so badly for him to be happy, but I also want myself to be happy and if I cant be happy with him so be it. People here have been telling me all along that my happiness counts too but the thing that hurts is it doesnt seem to matter to him. I thought I ment so much more to him than he is recently making me feel. No more number two for me. I am sorry if I am rambling on and on but I need to vent. I feel as though I am nothing to him except like I said earlier between the sheets. I am done with this. The thing that is going to be the hardest for me is I have tried pulling away from him before but that seems to be when he pulls me in close and shares with me for a little while but then as soon as I feel comfortable with the relationship that is when he pushes away hard again. The cycle needs to end and I see it clearer than I have ever seen it before. He has no idea that I have been posting here and he probably never will. I originally came here because I thought this would lend me some insight into the way his mind is working a little and I must admit that it has but not the way I had hoped. I have followed the advise and been patient, just sat and listened when he wanted to talk, and thought I was taking steps to make me happy within the relationship but it just is not working. I have cried to many nights over this. Been on the roller coaster to many times. I am tired right down to my bones. I hope I am not making a mistake and missing out on the great love of my life (which I thougt he was), but I guess that is the chance I need to take. They say there is someone out there for everyone I truely thought it was him and I am sad to say right now in his life the way he is, he is not the one for me I guess. He is deep down a very nice person, a caring person, a loving person, which by the way he doesnt see in himself. Is that yet another side effect of SA? How long does this cycle of pushing away and pulling back right before it falls off the edge go on? How long is a woman in love with a man with the history of abuse that men who have been abused have expected to sit by and wait? I think 2 years is a very long time and who knows how much longer I will be willing to take the reactions to everything he has been through but right at this very moment I am not willing to take it anymore. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Dear TTH,

It sounds as though you have been getting the short end of the stick for a long time, now, and I applaud you for taking a stand for yourself. I think it is the right one for now, painful as it may seem.

Someone once told me, "You can't want more for somebody than they want for themself." Clearly, you are in a position where you feel that you are doing all of the giving - and waiting - and you're getting little in return.

It's hard to change people...they have to do this themselves. If we love someone and want to be in their life we really only have two choices....live with it the way it is...or change ourselves. It sounds to me as though you are now ready to choose the latter.

My suggestion (and this is maybe something you'll want to think about) is that you print our your post and put it in an envelope and hand it to your boyfriend as you are leaving. You could then follow it up with a statement (in as even a voice as you can muster), "I need to take care of me and get my own stuff together. You have some work to do on yourself as well. Call me in six months." And then walk out and keep walking, head held high.

Don

Dear TTH, oh I read your posting with great sadness in my heart. You may have come across my rantings & ravings in last months. My husband and I are now finalizing our divorce. My heart is shattered, but I'll put the pieces back together.

And so will you! I really feel that I have been in your 'space'. I so wanted my husband to take the journey inside (with a the guidance of an expert) and explore why he is confused about his sexual orientation. First he told me he thought he was gay, but then after we'd been 'together', and very passionately I might add ;-), he decided that he is bisexual because he really is attracted to me. I knew that, I felt the heat/energy between us - it is still there!

He never, never acknowledged that anything from his past might be playing a part in all his confusion. He now talks about his past in a very intellectual way - he is a smart man and right now, he has used his intellect to perpetuate his delusions about who he is (I know that sounds mean but it all still stings me terribly. I loved him with all my soul, I never held back, I would have done anything for him!)

So he leaves this week for San Francisco to start a new job, and a new life. I'm still here in Chicago trying to pick up my pieces and rebuild. It saddens me so much because I know in my heart it could have been different. I truly believe that we were soul mates (or at least we shared the same karma ;-)

I know how you feel - the daily 'bleedings', but I must also say.... That once we were apart, there was a certain relief that I felt, a relief/release I hadn't experienced in years. No longer did I have to fear coming home to learn that he had made his mind up and was going to leave me to live a gay life- the last 9 months of ambiguity were truly torture - though I couldn't see it at the time. My self-esteem was in the dumper but now, slowly, I have rebuilt my belief in myself. I told a friend last night that I haven't felt this whole in a long time - not that I like being without him, I miss him terribly. But now it is just me - and I am living my life, each day.

I just couldn't take any longer the minute-by-minute pain of seeing him and not knowing if he would find a way through. He, too, resisted the therapy anyone would need to go back and look at their past. He went a handful of times over the past 9 months, but didn't really go deep.

It is the saddest thing to want to see someone heal, and to see them reject that for themselves. He is betraying himself by not 'doing his work' - he is going to find himself in a very sad place.

Please know that there are those of us on 'the other side' of this, and it isn't as bad as I thought. It is tragic that some of us are losing our husbands/partners, men we love, but they are crafting their worlds and there isn't a place for us to be with them in it, and not have our souls die.

There does come a point when we've sacrificed too much, too much of ourselves. Please know that the nights aren't as bad as I thought. I do keep a pillow under the covers with me sometimes, so I have the sense that something is next to me (if I had a stuffed teddy bear, that would be good too :-). The calm does come, as does dawn.

Get support for yourself right now. Find someone who can help you heal now, you need to heal the wounds of all this. You will, I am, others are.

I wish my husband peace, I'm just so sad for him.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,

Stephanie

Stephanie,

Wow...what a letter! Sounds to me as though you have made the fire walk and that you are doing a great job taking care of you. Yours is a powerful story - and you have expressed it well.

Blessings to you as you begin this new phase of the rest of your life. You're going to make it...

Don

Hello Don, thank you for your kind words. Though, I don't always feel like I'm going to make it. I miss my husband terribly, it is so hard to watch him walk away. What we had as a couple was really magic; he was my great love.

I'm especially sad because next week, Oct 3, would have been our 9 year anniversary. His birthday is Monday, he'll be 35. I believe he is enroute to Palo Alto today, it hurts to think of him choosing this path.

Anyway, your kind words have made a difference to me today - thanks so much!

- Stephanie

[ September 25, 2001: Message edited by: sas ]

Stephanie,
I agree with Don "wow" what a letter. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. I am hoping someday I will feel as strong as you sound. I know I have a long hard road ahead of me as do you but some way we will all make it.
Thank you again.

Trying to help. Thanks for your post. I saw my husband on Tuesday (he hadn't left yet) and we said good-bye. I prayed beforehand that I could stay centered and not break apart or try to rescue him. Well, he cried a lot - that was hard to see.

I saw more of the 'husband that I married' but still a man who sees himself as a victim of life. He talked about having a lot of anger as a teen, etc., but he still hasn't taken any steps to get help, or question why he is so angry....

It is so hard to see him this way, he is a good man, he has a beautiful soul but he has to want to heal, and I can't do it for him - I pray for him but I can't do it.

Parts of me still have a sliver of hope that maybe he'll wake up one day and get a counselor, do 'his work' and then realize that he made a terrible mistake and come back to me. But I can't live my life waiting for him... we don't know what the future will bring.

But I can echo my prior comments that now that I have some space and shelter from seeing him in pain and being a victim, it is better. It was good to come home and not to have to live that awful limbo-life any more. I lit a candle and thanked Spirit for keeping me whole, and I prayed that Spirit will keep me clear and on my path.

I hate being alone. I am scared that maybe Dan was my 'great love' and I won't have another. That really scares many parts of me. Life is nicer with someone but only if that someone is whole, or at least working on being whole - it really does take too much of my energy to care for someone who doesn't want to heal.

Ugh, so that's that. Please know that I am not any stronger than you or any other woman. We all just have to believe in ourselves and that we aren't meant to sacrifice our souls - our souls are our life-force and we should never have to give that away. With that in mind, you'll make the right decisions for you.

Take care of yourself, light a candle and thank the universe for being there. Our relationships with our husbands do teach us a lot about ourselves - what we really feel we are worth, what our essence is. I don't know if I would have learned that via any other path.... My heart will mend, as will yours - we just have to trust and surrender to some 'force' to guide us.

Happy Friday!

- Stephanie

Ladies,

I have drawn such strength from your posts. I know that you both have had to slog your way through the muck and mire. And it tears one apart when you have to let go of someone you love. Such courage you both have!

Don

PS

As a songwriter (when I'm not at my day job), the Universe "sends" me messages from time to time. Somehow, the words to this song just may be appropriate here.

-----

"It’s Always Hard to Say Goodbye"

It’s always hard to say goodbye;
It’s always hard to leave a friend.
It’s always hard to even think
That sometimes good things end.

It’s always hard to say goodbye,
It’s always hard when friends must part.
It’s always hard to understand,
To mend an aching heart.

Chorus:

And as the days go passing by,
I wish the best for you, I hope you fly.
Don’t ask me why...
It’s always hard to say goodbye.

Just know that I will think of you
And you know where I will be.
A part of you lives in my heart,
And you have part of me.

Chorus:

And as the days go passing by,
I wish the best for you, I hope you fly.
Don’t ask me why...
It’s always hard to say goodbye.
It’s always hard to say goodbye.

Don, I'm crying right now. You have such a gift! I don't have words right now, but I hope you can feel my soul's energy come through the ether - thank you for your gift to me.

You are a very special man, very.

-- Stephanie

Don,
Thank you for those beautiful words of strength and wisdom. Its like you have read my mind. It is so hard to say goodbye but I know it has to be done.
Samantha.