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#6231 - 09/18/02 12:59 AM Would You Go?
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
It has been a while since I posted on here. I am in quite a situation. Last October I was sexually assualted by two men at gun point. It took me ten months to get back to work. Now almost a year later the detective calls me and says that they believe they have found the guys. They are involved in some drug thing too. At any time in the next 2-3 weeks the police are going to get them and bring them in. At that point they want me to come back ( I moved out of the state where it happened) and identify them in a line up. Of course I was told there is a chance these might not be the right guys. Because in I was the one who saw them face to face...sort of speak.

Ok, so my family is worried about safety. What if these guys get out? What if they try something else? What about if it goes to trial?
This has hit me right out of the blue. I am not sleeping. I have become nervous again in public. I am on edge. I am having nitemares on and on. I told my wife that if I go do this (by the way she is supporting whatever I decide) I go alone to the station. My reason being..#1) I think it would give me some control over this and #2) No one would see anyone but me other words not another single member of my family would be seen of course I know there is a third reason.....#3) shame I am so a shamed that this happened to me.

I have lived through the time wondering if I got infected....(I'm not) and getting into a routine of working again. (though my boss is supportive of me going in I decide...I did not give him the details) It's just this shit never ends.....I feel like I am going to have to deal with this forever. This phone call about this had made me have flashback of other abuse. It's just amazing.

On one hand I am better. On the other hand this is one time that someone who actually DID something to me MIGHT be punished! Plus I would feel bad if I didn't do this and they did it to others. Well, from what I was told they did do this to others. That month alone there were 15 rapes....two other victims besides me were men.

I am feeling very overwhelmed. What would any of you do? Would you go? Any insite would help.

Terry


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#6232 - 09/18/02 01:31 AM Re: Would You Go?
BoyNoMore Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/13/02
Posts: 5
Loc: KS
Terry,

I can't say that I went through the same thing, but my abuser was arrested for molesting a boy some thirty years after he abused me. I went home for the trial and testified against him. I too dealt with flash backs,fear, etc. I found it to be very healing and freeing.

I know that ours are different stories though. I will be praying that you will know what it is that you are to do and that you have the strength and courage to do it. I would suggest you talk to a trusted friend, counselor or pastor. The next few weeks are really going to be hard for you. Please know that there are those who are praying for you!

Dave


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#6233 - 09/18/02 01:40 AM Re: Would You Go?
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Deal with it now or re-live it for ever. You might keep them from hurting someone else, but more importantly you can stop them from hurting you anymore. Knowing you did something about it is a greater force than the fear of it happening again. Keeping our silence has been to the advantage of our abusers-not ours.
Thats easy to say when its not me in the situation. The abused me would let slide. The recovering me would be torn--just like you.
Devon

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#6234 - 09/18/02 03:24 AM Re: Would You Go?
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Hi Terry, nice to have you back. Long time no read. (ha ha). Wow, thats pretty incredible they caught these guys. I guess I forgot you had reported this to the police. That took major balls right there, so I'm sure you have what it takes to go back there and see this through. Besides you've already been through the worst of it. And yes, I guess it does go on forever to some degree. I mean, here I am 7 years later after being raped and while I don't feel obliterated anymore, it is still an unfortunate presence in my life. One I am gaining power over.

As far as the assault and subsequent healing that may result, I think following through with this to the bitter end is the only course of action. But you presented the important consideration of your safety if you testify or it is known you are the one who identifies them. Its hard for me to speak to that because the guy who did it to me did not use a weapon (except his mind and his dick), nor was he connected to anyone else. I would love to confront this guy and have it all out in the open now but that will never happen. And God knows, I'm sure he is spreading the damage to other young men. Given the nature of what happened to you, of course you are even more extra reluctant to pursue things. You need to get more information from the police about the case against these guys. One good thing is that you moved pretty far away from them. Another is that it will probably never reach the trial stage, usually these things are settled in a plea agreement. It sure would be scary and empowering to face these guys in open court, though.

As far as the shame thing goes, I can sure relate to you there. For the first two years afterward, that part of it just devastated me. Nowadays I'm doing pretty well with that adn the more I talk about it, in appropriate settings, the better it gets. I strongly urge you to directly deal with and address that issue head on with a therapist if you are not already doing so. I will just state this for the record: you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! Sure, if you could go back in time and do things differently you might make all sorts of changes. You do not have that luxury, however, and did not know then what you know now. Also, in the split second that it happened you are taken completely offguard and overwhelmed. Its not like you had time and clarity to think "hmmm, what should I do now?". You know? I have replayed my rape over and over in my head billions of times but I know now that nothing could be different in that instant. Sure I would have place myself in a different location that night, but being raped was nowhere near the list of possible outcomes I have considered at the time. Never saw it coming, never ever even thought something like that could happen to me. So start fighting back at the shame issue. Shame will eat you alive if you don't do something to consciously fight it and deal with it.

I am behind you one million percent and if I could afford it, would walk side by side with you to the police station and the courthouse as another man who was raped, survived, and is learning to thrive.

Your ally,
Roy


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#6235 - 09/18/02 12:38 PM Re: Would You Go?
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Redsongbird
It is an hard spot you are in but I think you should go back if needed. These guys are super bad and must be stopped but maybe you don,t have to be the only one. You said that there are many more victims. I would talk with the police about who else will be coming forward. Maybe the others will be able to ID them and you could go back later.
I know that it wopuld be great thing for your mind to see them in jail. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#6236 - 09/18/02 06:17 PM Re: Would You Go?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Redsongbird
I'm with the rest of the guys, no matter how tough - and it will be tough - it has to be done.

New to this summed it up in a sentence
Quote:
Deal with it now or re-live it for ever.
He also says it's easy for us to say, we aint doing it. And he's right.
Most of us dont have the chance or the courage.
I'd like to think I would if the chance arises.

My friends daughter has just seen her ex "boyfriend" jailed for 12 years for beating and raping her. She was 19 at the time and is the mother of his baby.
But it was her testimony that jailed him, just hers. An incredibly brave girl, she has problems and needs help and therapy, but it's there.
And she has protection from the rapists brothers by the police.
i know we have different laws and policing, but I dont doubt that a level of anonimity will be maintained if at all possible.
These people lose a lot of influence over their accomplices once jailed, and a long sentence cools their thoughts of revenge.

The only way to get these people behind bars for a long time is evidence, and that coes from extremly brave people who believe in themselves and the rights of others to live without fear.

Be strong.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#6237 - 09/18/02 09:20 PM Re: Would You Go?
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
First of all thank-you guys for answering this post. Well, I thought I had more time to think things over but it is now "do or die" time. I got another call today while at work. I need to be at the police station at 10am on Friday. Tomorrow my wife and I take off for the ten hour drive to get there. I am going to go. I am feeling somewhat overwhelmed right now. But I just wanted to let you all know that it is happening. I will not beable to be back on here till sometime Monday. I so hope this is the right people they have. Thanks for your comments they have given me strength to do this even more.

Terry


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#6238 - 09/18/02 10:44 PM Re: Would You Go?
BoyNoMore Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/13/02
Posts: 5
Loc: KS
Terry,

You are a man of integrity! Please know that if we could, many of us would go with you. We will be with you spirit.

Where in Michigan are you? I used to live there and could give you some thoughts on where to go for support. There are some really great people there.

My Prayers are with you!

Dave


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#6239 - 09/18/02 11:14 PM Re: Would You Go?
asher Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/17/02
Posts: 19
Loc: St. Louis
I'm proud and I've never even met you. It is a very brave thing that you are doing. Hopefully it will save someone else from going through the same thing.

asher


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#6240 - 09/19/02 05:23 AM Re: Would You Go?
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
Terry,

Good for you!!! I will say a prayer for you. we are all proud of you!

God Bless,

Brian


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